Teh Encyclopaedia de Tchadwick [archived]

Ten Million Miles Away From The Sun

2009-06-29T14:50:00.000-07:00

A Talk regarding the current conflict in Darfur, T'Chad, Africa,
and the passing of Micheal Jackson.

I am sometimes harsh and seemingly insensitive to what others
around me believe to be the truth.

This is because my own ideas of truth are generally far departed
from any consensus, and I have a difficult time expressing my
self, beyond these words and the conversations I may have.

So let me attempt to clarify what I have recently said.

I remember in the late 80's the popularity of Micheal Jackson.
I can clearly recall the huge color TV in the living room of
my house in NY. Whatever was on TV, would easily be interrupted
by the new song by him. I remember Bad, Thriller, and a few
other videos being put on irregardless of what was on; the
president could have been speaking, and, awp, Micheal has
released a new video, and we have to cut to that.

I really enjoyed the music; before I was a teenager I was
not very interested in music, but the vibe of Micheal and
his music was very inspiring, and I may have even danced
a little bit.

On facebook I made a comment in a thread regarding his
passing. I stated, quote, "I could give a damn about one
celebrity passing, when possibly hundreds of Indigenous
people carrying spears were slaughtered by police from
helicopters with absolutely *no* coverage."

I do not wish to disrespect his passing, or state that I
do not like him. However in the grand scheme I do not think
that it has as much relevance as the recent events in
Devils Curve, Peru, or even the conflict in Darfur.

I attended a party at the Full Circle Farm last night, and
they were asking for donations to send to the children in
Sudan, who were being taken from their families and sold
into Slavery.

My understanding is that in Sudan, hundreds of years ago,
there existed *no* problems on the scale that we see today.

It is my belief that the Way Of Life and the level of
Privilage that most Americans have experienced is directly
due to the exploitation and lack of human empathy that began
on a large scale with the subjugation and control of the African
continent.

So when I first came to the party here, surrounded by, excuse me,
caucasians, I felt extremely out of place. I felt that the fund
raising was in jest, in some ways it is conscious, and an aware
movement, but on the *grand scheme* it would be all but impossible
to explain my view on why all of these people have been able to
enjoy such privilages as having time to be aware of domestic and
governmental conflicts abroad.

So I did not feel well. I felt angry in some ways. I still feel
this way, disconnected from the consensus, because I find it very
hard to say "this computer I am typing on is filled with precious
metals from third world countries" and "everything that is imported
into America is shipped using large amounts of natural gas, which
is ultimately taken from places like Nigeria, and South America".

As I found these things out it made me want to simply leave this
place. No matter how aware they get, it will take them quite some
time to understand that any importation of goods, any interaction
with so called Third World Nations, amounts to agreeing to this
slavery, agreeing to this seperation of natural peoples from their
original ways of life.

No matter how low the gas consumption of my car, no matter if it is
a hybrid, or a tiny electric vehicle, the machine behind it that
creates these goods, is ultimately evil.

No matter how organic the food I eat, there is always going to be
Ecco-Aparteid, people who really need health, but will never be
able to afford it.

As long as we are in a culture that cannot exist on its own, and
"requires" goods and importation from other nations, we will all
be perpetuating the slavery and destruction of foreign lands and
people.

No amount of donations to them will stop it. Someone said, that
in Sudan, there *is* no currency. Do you know why? Because there
has *never* been one except for that which was imposed by
colonialism.

One point I have. I do not ask questions. I create solutions.
So it is difficult for me to learn from others. But I do listen
intently to everyone. And I would like to hear all view points.

--

I finished the last paragraph of this writing in the company of
the people who sponsored the party. They said that at least $1000
was donated for the cause of slavery in Sudan. They had pledged to
match each dollar donated and send it off to the Sudan.

With so much cultural pressure present I had no inclination to
discuss my views of what was going on. Each person there seemed
to be very well off, very set in their ways, and very aware that
their way of life would end. They were just enjoying it while it
lasted.

An Indigenous Woman in the 50's - You supported it!

2009-06-24T13:59:00.000-07:00

In the 50's a woman was diagnosed as having
had nervous breakdowns after a move from
(then only a territory) Alaska to Texas.

She was prescribed Thorazine, and perpetually
kept in a state of complete sedation; when not
going in and out of mental hospitals.

I talked with the womans daughter for quite
some time. She told me that she thought her
mom was just really tired all of the time,
but learned later in her life that Thorazine
was a very heavy sedative.

Her mother had married a Caucasian man,
from which three children were born.
She told me that while in school, it was
forbidden to speak her native "Indian"
language.

As the spanish had come to america and
decimated the indigenous population and
integrated the remainders, her mothers
last name had been changed to "M******",
and from her father the name H********
was attached.

We slowly drove through the mountains of Santa
Barbara having this discourse.

I came to the conclusion that if you had, for
many generations, spoken a language, had various
customs, various leaders, a history, healers, etc...

And they were taken away. Systematically destroyed.
And then *laughed at*. Invalidated. Would you choose
to integrate, adopt your enslavers ways? Language?
History?

A history that told you that the people that you came
from, the "darkies", were basically some form of
unevolved, uncivilized people, and that all of their
history was wrong?

My first impulse would be to kill every fucking one that
looked like my enslaver. But we all know that its deeper
than that.

As the enslaver has sat and thought, at great length,
about the subjugation and destruction of the planet that
he was trapped on, I will say that the problem has been
extended into the realm of language, so that the people
of subjugation will begin to subjugate themselves.

She told me about an experiment where young african slave
descendants were shown two dolls, one white and one black.
They were asked which doll was the "good" doll, and, each
one invariably pointed at the white one.

They were then asked which doll 'they' were, and, again,
they pointed at the white doll.

Well, I digress, this story has been played out and told
over and over again, to the point where most don't even
really care, understand, nor have any sympathy. Most have
simply integrated, as it is easier, dissolved their ancient
identities, and accepted the reality that their enslavers
has presented as true.

I have not, will not, and will never, and I will die with
the knowledge of my past, no matter how distorted it is,
no matter how much of it has been destroyed, this is not
my home and I will never accept it. There.

So systematic destruction has been common place. In fact,
so many people cry about the Jews and the Holocaust, but,
please, please, eugenics was a program of destroying all
races that were thought to be "lesser" than the 'civilized'
white man (who could not even value human life... right)
and the Holocaust was the 'largest' of such persecutions -
but before that *many* races were experimented on and
tortured.

So, to me, making a big point of the Holocaust being so
damaging to the human race is actually a way of distorting
the truth of what the program of Eugenics was about.

Destroying all people non-white - and Hitler was not the
only one taking part in this belief system.

Location: Devils Curve, Peru.
Date: June 5th, 2009

Indigenous Weapons: Spears, Bows & Arrows
Police Weapons: Machine Guns, Tear Gas, Armored Vehicles

While there is very little news coverage, very few pictures,
but a lot of internet press, it is said that the people were
protesting the sale of some 200,000 sq. miles of their territory
to be transformed into mining properties and deforestation
projects.

The police began to fire their automatic weapons and tear gas
directly into the crowd, and while it is simply ludacris to
believe these killers and thieves, they say somewhere around 20
police were killed, and 70 indigenous.

This is very recent news, it is very covered up,
and it is directly related to every single Affluent persons
support for their comfort and way of life.

My belief is that this level of industrialization has only
been sustained for two to three generations at most, and
will only be able to sustain for two or three more generations,
at most.

It is fine to be caught up in the new release of cell phones and
fancy cars so that you can't see reality, and only run from
appointment to appointment. But know that you are a sheep, a sheep
pulling a boat of proportions grander than you can even see, which
carries the carcasses and blood of every murdered and enslaved
indigenous person from every part of the globe.

Remember, you support it.

Wikipedia: Emotional Expressions & Cultures

2009-06-16T20:48:00.000-07:00

Bases of cultural differences

Self construal
The way a person perceives her/himself in relation to the surrounding human environment affects one’s emotional world. Collectivistic cultures emphasize the fundamental relatedness of individuals to each other, for example by valuing attending to others, fitting in, and harmonious interdependence with them. Thus the self in collectivistic cultures is interdependent, and the individual is focused predominantly on his or her relationship with ingroup members or with the ingroup as a whole. In individualistic cultures, on the other hand, individuals hold an independent view of the self and seek to maintain their independence from others by attending to the self and by discovering and expressing their unique inner attributes.[3]

Subjective vs. objective emotions
The view of the self as independent in individualistic cultures leads to the perception of emotions as a unique personal experience. The emotional reality is therefore taken as subjective: different people are expected to have different emotional worlds, and to react in different ways to the same experiences. On the contrary, in collectivistic cultures, emotions are experienced out of relationships. They reflect the outer, rather than the inner world and are therefore taken as objective: it is assumed that all people experience the same emotion in a given social situation.

Self and emotions
The construal of the self affect the personal emotional experienced. The need to enhance the self and its independence in individualistic cultures leads to prevalence of emotions that stress the uniqueness and separation of the individual. In collectivistic cultures emotion relate more to the relationships with others and to the fitness of the individual to its social environment. Hence, the same situation might lead to different emotions in collectivistic and in individualistic cultures. In a research held by Mesquita (2001) it was found that achievements related to higher education in Turkey (a collectivistic culture) led to pride as a result of the honor brought to the family, while in Holland (an individualistic culture) similar achievements led to self satisfaction and content.

Cultural norms for emotions
Social norms exist for various aspects of emotions.

General emotional norms: what emotions are considered to be good or bad? Which should be more prevalent?
Feeling rules: how should one feel when encountering certain event (does being criticized lead to anger or embarrassment?)
Display rules: how should one act when experiencing certain emotion (does anger manifest as aggression or withdrawal?)
While individualistic cultures are loose regarding to the display rules (one can express one's feelings as preferred at the moment), norms for positive feeling rules in individualistic cultures are very tight. According to those norms, one should be happy and strive for happiness, and if one is not happy, that means one has failed to achieve life’s goals[4]. In collectivistic cultures such as China, the feeling rules are rather loose: there are no strict expectations about how one should generally feel. However, the display rules are much tighter: there are certain expectations about the way one should show one's feelings in a given context. For example, Confucian cultures consider expression of emotions (both positive and negative) as a possible threat to the social order. Hence, the norms are of not-showing personal emotions. One may feel as one pleases, as long as one doesn’t express it.

Between You And Me ...

2009-06-15T11:34:00.000-07:00

The "idea" is that in between you and me, in between your perception of
my energies and my expression of them, is various constructs of thought.

Each human has an area of their mind that is prepared to interpret the
signals and impulses that it receives, and control if this 'place' is
sought after by everyone and everything.

Of course its different for everyone, this "place", but the commonalities
can be found described in books that none of us will likely ever see.

Gaining control of this place is my own conquest, my own sovereignty, and
my own home.

At some point these maps begin to make themselves, fueled by the initial
momentum of the original programs. Its the kind of thing that makes people
wonder "why did I do that? ... or think that?" - because no, none of us is
under our own control and volition, there are just many people who play on
that fact in various ways.

You see, the truth is a fire, and I will now hold it.

"I'm from where their too pussy to come film survivor ..." Immortal Technique

devils curve, peru

2009-06-13T15:08:00.000-07:00

peril, peril ye who walk here, for this is not real, not one bit of it,
only the strings holding it all together are, and even then, they are
just strings ... [so watch how you walk. don't fall. all is sacred.]

I cannot believe that in 2009 there is still such serious devaluation
of life propagated all the way to ... well folks, I believe it goes all
the way to the buttons and screens you are pushing now, this unsustainable
technology that we are all becoming so comfortable with, these global products
that we consume and take advantage of and "need", though there is "no way"
to get away from it ...

well, thats in the box, but I'll tell you, I don't even got a box no more,
its just a fuckin dot. Try and get out of that. [they dodge, but thay cannot hide]

The fact of the matter is that at the age of 30, I feel awed and afraid and
*prepared* to walk up a long mountain road, to the utmost top, and receive a
vision from .. the elders .. the gods ..

The fact of the matter is that in 2009 most people find drugs by accident or
as a seeming escape, but 5000 years ago indigenous tribes *most likely*
routinely introduced the world of the 'real' and the humility of the
psychedelic experience to their young through ancient (then!) ritual,
when they were *teens* - 13? 14?

So as a culture we are immature. Knowing that now reject everything you
think you know or have been told and go crazy for a while, its *OK*, and
now try and integrate all of this "stuff" you feel with all of these things
you "suddenly" seem to know.

It is no mistake, there is no "god", there is no difference between science and
religion, there is no alternation between right-wing and left-wing, globalism
is capitalism is imperialism is slavery is right now is going on is tomorrow is
next year is ten years from now is your childrens future is their childrens future.

If you fucks don't all wake up and microscope on these Rothchild lunatics, or gods,
whichever it may be, pay attention to the fine points and government reactions to
the 9/11 farce, respond by accepting that the 'truth' will require a jarring to
your consciousness, unless you 'want' it to be 'gradual' - in which case you are
personally choosing to limit your awareness of truth and slowing down your trott
on the road to self realization.

I denounce all things popular, everything not chewed on and understood by my own
eyes ears hands and mind, even much of 'new age' and spiritual explanations for
the state of the world, (and I only say that because I'm *surrounded* by these nuts)

I can only add up that probably eighty-five percent of ya'll are in necklace, and
you can do the rest of the math.

I reject everything but my own intuition, and even then, I take turns fully rejecting
that.

Follow me.

For a moment, and then forge your own path. There are millions of unpaved roads
in this universe.

The only thing being utterly controlled has taught me is .. that I can utterly
control. It is a method, and those intuitive can decipher anything they see and
regurgitate it back with high likeness.

I shall only begin to work on what I must send to the future in absence of my
life, as these are going to be the only things that will last to possibly tell
the future of what has happened and that it may happen again.

www.adapt2.us

2009-05-16T17:44:00.000-07:00

Please visit www.adapt2.us for further updates.

Thank you for reading.

I Am, Is, Were, Are, and Will Be .....

2009-05-05T14:58:00.000-07:00

Some modifications.

I am convinced that I have an idea
that many others do not have or
do not dwell on and recognize its
importance and relevance and utilization.

Dealing with this information is incredibly stressful, as is attempting to create a monument to reflect on this situation,

and either dispel the delusions of grandiosity or to put forth positive purpose and action into the world.

[Idiocracy]


A destiny is sketched out onto the backdrop chosen by a character.

A character is set of routines and 'policies' that are dictated by habits.

Habits are automated responses that are controlled by daily rhythmic actions.

Actions are manifestations that are created due to the power of thought and intention.

To quickly put reality into perspective, the idea that we all
inhabit an 'illusory' world as described by the hindus and even plato, is the momentum of thoughts which were put into place

long before we ever did, and which are the initial 'shell' into which a human being emerges into.

These thoughts, these cultures, these beliefs, these customs,
along with genetic tendancies, when left unknown, create a self-projecting illusion world, which
in nearly every way will synchronize with what is both actual and consensus, but depending on the level of immersion into the

illusion, will always lead to ... living life again in the shell. better luck next time.


From his eyes I could tell his thoughts.

From his thoughts I could tell his destiny.

So, to contextualize this all, I ran into a youtube video about HPPD: Hallucinogenic Perception Persistent Disorder.

If you don't know by now I do not categorize things as 'disordered' when I cannot
understand them -- especially when the body of knowledge that I am drawing on is
cultural and not objective -- when the body of knowledge that I am
drawing on is in its infancy (25 years ago this was the realm of shock treatment
and lobotomies, ya'll).

So I do not plant in my head that I have been experiencing HPPD for the past 10 years.
Because as the map above explains, (which is not complete - thought discrimination?),
what you think creates an expectation for what you think is possible - i.e.
your destiny.

So I put forth that a majority of "mental illness", "anti-social behavior", and other
selfish, destructive acts and modes of life, are a result of improper thoughts, on
whatever foundation, which is gained during childhood usually from genetic/environmental contact.

That is, your parents could have some pretty poor thought process for some fundamental
thing, either regarding self awareness, social awareness, productivity,
decision making,dealing with
emotions, self importance, mating, or any combination, which when given attention and
focused on can cause great disaster, as anyone in this world can see, having drastic
measures with bad plans results in ... having plans that don't really make sense ...
are just a result of momentum ...

What are some old trains of thought?

I believe religion is a great one.

In some ways it is a good thing, but overall I feel it to be a cultural legacy
which has outgrown its overall effectiveness and usefulness, though still serves
as a foundation for many things in this society, and world, through our societies
beliefs on its relation and potentials in the world.

Well, don't let it get to your head.

Who needs a creative, non-rational thinker in todays world? I do ..
society doesn't.

So, to drive the nail in further, the quest of the psychedelic
knowledge here has been drowned out by pleasure seekers, know-it-alls,
feel-instead-of-think hippies who have some of the ideas ... LOL!

I think the psychedelic experience is the key to gaining true insight
into the nature of reality and the distinction between what we percieve
and project and what is *actually* existing .. that amongst a lot of things - and I don't think people have to "do" the

drugs, either.

Medical marijuana is cool and all that ... but I think psychedelic
research is much more important, on a grand scale. Besides, drugs
being illegal is another faulty, useless, relic from the past that
needs to be 'updated' with better information and handeling.

So, relevance? These are all of my struggles at attempting to
stay sane in this insane world. Or, put properly, I had to go
insane to stay sane here.

Put another way .. freedom is great.
But with that freedom you have to create your own boundaries,
and somehow I forgot a lot of fundamental things that most people
are passed down and or know inherantly.

So this is my creating of a universe.

So tiring. Lots of stuff to fill in.

The Daily Diagnosis

2009-05-03T22:17:00.000-07:00

Why? Why is it so unique? Why is it so off base?

So I haven't written here in a long time.

Truth is, I haven't published any of my thoughts,
besides on facebook and a few other things.

My thoughts need to be highly documented.

I am convinced that I have an idea that many other people do not have.

Dealing with this information is incredibly stressful.

So, here are some random snippets:

"I'm tellin ya, if you put water on the crops, it might actually......
No, it will, [make the crops grow]!!!"

Ok so.

The main hypothesis here is as follows:


The human mind works in a sort of binary / hierarchal / relational way.
That is, from its initiation into consciousness and memory/expectation,
it equates things such as "this source gives life (breasts) and I will
search for similar forms when I mate" and "this form does these things,
they must be right" [in reference to the parent].... etc ... it builds
information based on "this means that, so this must mean that" and also
(matts input) also (based on these things) random "fuzzy" matching,
illogical and "jump" matches, but overall, based on these things ...

As Einstein said, (paraphrased) "what you perceive is a cumulation of what
you know and have experienced" - from the nonlocality talk, what you see
as possible and will attempt, is a 'reflection' of what you know. So this
was my supposition.

If what you know is hierarchal, and builds on what "was true" -- as culture
advances, as knowledge 'increases' - how do such "fundamental" ideas change
the knowing of later acquired information?

In the computer world, the analogy would be: the kernel/framework/foundation
changes, and all modules, and programs, need a 'slight' update to work
properly - that is, all programs that were properly planned in the first place.

So how does this equate to culture?

I believe culture to be a 'legacy' - that is, all popular culture, all consensus
reality, is a uniformly accepted 'transmission' of information, that essentially
is a past reflection and exaggeration of events that were not transmitted as they
happened objectively - a 'caricature' of what was 'now' and 'reality' at some point.

So, the supposition is as follows:

If we build our knowledge in a hierarchal nature - and one of the quite fundamental
relations changes state - how do we update the consequentially related information?

What is the 'apt-get dist-upgrade' to culture??

I will put forth that as man ages, the nature of his consciousness changes, and also how he acquires and equates information, which heavily effects his perspective
on the world and _also_ his expectations of what he is capable of, which ultimately adds up to there being a current cognitive dissonance which is widely accept as being "ok" in popular culture, which is greatly aged and stagnant, and needs to be updated.

Hot stuff ya'll. This is where we are. Religion and history as a self-reflective
record of where our thought and energy has been focused.

What do you spend most of your mental energy on?

As we think, connections are reinforced, other connections are way-sided,
and solutions are increased.

So what happens as we age? To our memory? And our ability to learn?
And our ability to concentrate and choose what to focus on? And our perspective?

And the ability to judge new information, and integrate it into our
entire world-view?

tcsh one liner foreach and while loops

2008-11-19T12:38:00.000-08:00

Just figured it out. Simpler than I could have imagined.

bash -c 'for a in X; do echo $a; done'.

That works perfectly for me because my main concern was
retaining the history of my commands, and not having to
delve into a script or vi window to do this repetitive
work. Funny, can't get the history of a function thats
supposed to make repetitive work easier. Hmm.

Five Point One Percent

2008-09-20T02:28:00.000-07:00

"we blindly searchin for answers ..." Thawfor - Savor the Moment

man. i'm fucked up. one of those fucked ups i've been working on
for a few weeks. i've decided to become an acoholic, but it isn't
going very well ... right now i'm seeing double and typing onto
a tv with bad resolution sitting in a chair at a bad angle.

and im drunk.

i've been drinking for weeks, five gallon steel reserves et al, but either i get really drunk quickly and have a good time momentarily or i just dont have a positive effect from the cause and drink with
the thought that i will get drunk motivating me.

either way, i'm drunk, i can get a ... no, noncoherent, lots of
forgots, like 500, but there is a point to this post, be it
entertaining or interesting, prophetic and delusional or imaginative
and blessed, there is a point.

from my research on psychedelics, both subjective and objective,
a majority of its ingestants exhibit subtle to extreme changes
in personality. of these ingestants, a small percentage of them
have horribly negative reactions. this is according to speculation
and perusing the abbie hoffman collection. personally i've lost my
mind, and control and regularity of my senses and memories, but i've
watched a close friend lose his entire personality and cognition,
partially due to inherited bad genes, partially due to too much
psychedelics.

i put the number of people who have bad trips that last a genetic
lifetime at five percent. these people have so called unstable
minds - are predisposed to having mental problems and issues. there
is no clearly defined classification of what these predispositions
are, but being a big head and watching lots of people, you can tell
them more times than not. lots of people take time to exhibit truely
psychotic tell-tale signs but you can see it in their eyes most often.

jake, jakes in that five percent, he's talking to himself, taking odd amounts of time to respond to verbal interaction, loosing pace
of what hes currently doing, and generally being absent, comotose,
being entertained by his "voices" and such. making weird faces
and arm gestures; grinning and smiling and laughing to the aethers.

my eyes are starting to cross. maybe food would help ... but oh
the kitchen is a mess.

the point of this story is that i am very optimistic in hoping
that i can be five point one percent. [smoke brek]

man, documentation is so useful. in various forms, varying
perspectives. incalculable.

the most certain joy in life is change

2008-08-07T15:34:00.000-07:00

i'm sitting here thinking of something to change
all of these ideas of advancement filling my mind
grand ol delusions taking my attention

buy something invent something change friends change
living situation change lifestyle change something

something, bursting point, over it, been there done that

fragments from where

2008-08-04T22:46:00.000-07:00

so i'm just having lots of thoughts
at one point in my life it seemed
natural, my thoughts

the albert hoffman collection is available at
http://www.erowid.org/references/hofmann_collection.php
and seems to be an incredible place for current
neurological and psychological students to go.
1138 is on. lots of good samples.

i didn't mean to do this to my self..
i can see sometime in the future, 20 years, 50 years,
100 years, the psyche and its physical/chemical nature
being much better understood. thats not all though,
the social side of humans may need re-examining ...

$950 a month to live in southern california. who is
kidding who? Assuming some miracle place for less than
$700 .. lifes kinda hard. whats the use of the skills
now? cannot concentrate, prioritize, socialize.

whatever you want in this world you will get it.

the nature of perception - you will find something
that matches your idea of what you wanted, while
ignoring all that does not match.

a book needs to be written about perception.
if its already been, i wouldn't even know how to
craft a google packet for it.

[gatorade&beer]

so many days go by .. so what did you do?

after all you did what did it matter when
you saw me?

lots of why no how.

a hodge podge meal of scraps left by our
overseers, ourselves, not to be confused
with I, that which manipulates.

drugs that alter focus:

which could be the foundation of the human consciousness -
focusing on a problem, and keeping that problem in mind
while evaluating related solutions ..
a lesser being doesn't know what to focus on, instinct and
survival use much of the time spent in thought.

i was told that %70 of all inner thought is negative.

i've realized that i am paralyzed in fear, and wonder
about all of the "other" parts of me that i don't
acknowledge, those negative parts stuck in painful
thought loops ..

blogspot.com exclusive!

got a room for a week with a friend.

jake is like a little kid.
you can't trust him to do anything correctly,
pay attention to anything, or even communicate
with him effectively.

he doesn't seem to notice, and gets upset when
you point out that he stopped focusing on what
he was doing and came up with an incredibly
unpredictable result, like putting a cigarette
out in the coffee or borrowing a phone to make
a call, and returning it powered off ..

now thats hip hop.

theres enough for everybody.

You Have Five Seconds To Remember This Sentance
You Have Five Seconds To Remember This Sentance
You Have Five Seconds To Remember This Sentance (you'd remember after the third time)
(it stops repeating but you still are under its effect)

my mind is no longer a tool and is more of a means for
entertainment, on my behalf, everyone gets to laugh at me,
and my stunted progress, my apparent high functionality,
with the dismal results.

family that encourages the dysfunctional behavior,
unconsciously, who am I?

watching a 12 and 9 year old mimic their parents responses
on *certain* subjects, but word for word, with a similar
tone .. do they rehash these utterances and decide what
is compatible with "them"?

death seems like the shortcut to all of these experiences
I am due for, all of these struggles and successes, but
reincarnation and karma have got me thinking ...

i only got here because earlier versions of me struggled
and succeeded. i inherit their essences.

wanna drink?
*wanna smoke a rock?*
?wanna shootup?

that easy

up to you to decide

you and all of the billions of connections that you will make throughout
time, past and future, and all of the influence your sentience will exert ..

if i could just focus.

im watching jake travel through his mind, and take notice of the
world occasionally, clumsily, as an afterthought ...

i'm apt-get dist-upgrading and watching hundreds of packages be held back,
and installing scratchbox and maemo 4.1 for the nogate ..

i'm confused ...

straight to the presses, if we had time to edit the revisions would have
been much better ..

but we're in this room with an hourly rate. so no time to dilly dally,
must sleep now.

i tell you

i swear!!

when i was young i wanted to compile an openbsd box from source
then compile it again after booting the results.

wish i could do the same with my mind! that outside place,
that room with that chair and that monitor and keyboard that
connect to such a system, that room is destroyed, in permanent
hurricane territory, tornadoes and sharks and terrorists and
hippies all inhabit this room, all with weapons of mass confusion,
dealing their death of distraction, loud noises sounding,
lights flashing ...

a twist of the tongue and a twiddle of the pen

who am i telling this to? obviously not you.

"if you are not properly sedated, please dial ..."

the effect and the side effect

the now and the then

just need some inspiration!
ok, got tonnes.

too much, actually.

this would have been great after lots of positive conditioning
but not after hardship after hardship

how did this happen .. i remember, being a child, making these
decisions, with this *feeling* guiding me the whole way ......

fear. forgetting everything but it.

though we live moment to moment attention extends and makes
us indefinitally immortal ...

though knowing that is a fatal fact.

hum.

[kiss the apple]

almost the sleep .. at least body knows how to talk to body
sometimes

me and jake seem to have the same problems, maybe thats why
we are friends despite having totally different outlooks on
the world ...

watching them screw up their minds then ask for help,
be consumed by various entities and forces while
knowingly seeking more ..

i mean really, these thoughts come hours after ingesting,
who couldn't deny that in this position they would repeat
the same actions over and over .. but no one has been in this
position before, exactly, to the degree, so who is to say?

not i.

struggles and successes. struggles and successes. cut and paste.

rest oncoming. but is it really rest?
i type with my eyes closed, does that mean i am asleep?

i wake up mid sentence

Marble Measurements

2008-07-18T13:30:00.000-07:00

We measured the speed
not by velocity
but by the absence of movement amongst other anomolies
stationary objects in focus
with blur stating only the obvious:
shifting shadows
lights going off tracked how we spotted em

Barely periphial and changing patterns
known by their accomplices
standing one by one behind each other
telling time for the audience
personal and intimate

the display was applauded
as it conformed to ISO 9666:
a standard party trick

doubled in intensity by the prism
exponentially mirrored in holographic bouncing bits
collected and reflected upon
then navigated to the resting spot

we took custody of the secrets left in plain sight
then ran to count and added

it was incredible math
as we reverse engineered their wrath
all the while stumbling and laughing

because the method through which we gained access
was by an unpublished exploit
fresh to your mind
but old in the circles we ran into
i tell you, i split in two
the hilarity was overwhelming
and discredited any positivity in their control
see you dont always need a compass
to tell which way ya goes . . .

So i was lost again
the dog was dead and burried
so i had to defend myself
from these crossing winds

six miles north
i could smell the rotting scent
of a lifestyle named something or other
where you treated everyone as your brother
no sleep but coughing fits

stock traded by homeless real estate agents
i could almost feel vagrant
if it wasnt for this fire and memories of my mother

no matter the parralax some things never changed
so i lit my arrows and went out hunting

might die in ignorance
but never in self defense
breaking the chain was my first offence
and the absence of comfort, my only sins . . .
and the absence of comfort, my only sins . . .

See?
Its right there in front of you!
I would say as I kept walking
And the ground breaking sialence kept me aware
as in the background some random idiot was talking
And his owned voice was mine [His voice was my own]
Onward and stronger then every step became monument
as I crept close to a home that was labeled anonymous

The talking horse had passed
and was burried to
He said this road we walked
Of course it was inevitable
And lack of expansion until that moment
was highly negligable
Anything but illegible
I'd never thought to hear such wisdom
from a mammal with so many appendiges

Quick before it diminishes
Turn around and spin with it
Dont sit with it
Express the emminent unlimited

I Can Create Synchronicity

2008-06-19T15:09:00.000-07:00

If I can create synchronicity in my life and perception,
does that decrease its signifigance?

Many people see synchronicity as a heavenly message, a
sign that things are going the right way, that there is
more to what is being percieved.

Through various forms of sense-deprivation, and perceptual
aggrivation through psychotropic chemicals, synchronicity
can become common place.

I have experienced days and more full of synchronicity.

I still am open as to what this means.

Dedication - Nelly Josiris Sanches (Isaleau)

2008-06-19T15:06:00.000-07:00

would you rather have a selection of suitable men that you could fall in love
with and have children with when you are ready

or would you rather have one dedicated man who is ready at any time and would give his all to you?

both must be ready at similar intervals, but being placed on a queue is not the greatest feeling

lots of learning to do about female interaction, i admit, and i'm going
to do it

to you friends are like lovers without sex - but I can't agree fully,
sharing sexuality, even at an intellectual level, causes disruption
in my view. in the past having female friends was not a regular
occurance - now sexuality is so open and easily exchanged. that
may be a good thing but it must have restrictions.

i know i'll be thinking of you on my death bed ...

Green Juice / Apple Grape Juice / Almond Milk

2008-06-19T15:05:00.000-07:00

Trader Joes Green Juice - with a peach flavour.
Almond milk with cane sugar (??) which makes it
nice and sweet. Apple grape juice which lessens
the thickness of the green juice.

Reminds me greatly of orange creme drinks/ice pops,
which are a favorite taste of mine.

A drink with fruit, vegetables, green nutrients,
and protein. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm........

pep love - relief lyrics (from 'ascension side c' 2003)

2008-06-19T13:29:00.001-07:00

pep love - relief

i want it

uh huh ... uh huh ...
yea, yea

i need it

thats right

i got to have it ..

no

all around the world

not a stone left unturned in the search for bliss
and retribution under the urban mist
you might swerve and miss your call
in the midst of all this confusion
i've learned the risk involved with quick fixes
crutches but cruxes
supplements for justice and it just isn't enough for us
case in point: my little cousin jason is facin ten
cuz he cased a joint

of his former place of employment - burger king
but flippin patties, got him ready to murder things
listen to the words i sing
and still niggas on the turf that slang

chemical substances to the men and women who just
can't get enough of this .. now

jack and jill ran up the hill, popped a pill, got credit
and ran up the bill, a dealer got hot headed and ran up
the blocks ready to set it and spread it like chicken pox

put the needle to the vein forget about the pain
put a dolla to your nostril blow a hole in your brain

i knew a cat named james who never been on a plane
but he wanted to fly so he tooted cocaine
claimed to be a true student of the game
but its plain to see his juice is startin to drain

once again its on on a saturday
i'm ready to activate, sit with the gat actin straight
ridiculous, stolen vehicle us niggas just rollin
till we crashed and hit a bus

whats relief? i want it
whats relief? i need it
whats relief? i got to have it

lets release or at least turn over a new leaf

give me an aspirin, whenever my head hurts
give me viagra, when my dick won't work
give me a cigarette, when i'm stressed and after sex
and make the euphoria last past a second
an orgasmic blast is released when i ejaculate
conception is not immaculate
they had to wait, for the next pay cuz life is hectic
pleasure and pain quite connected

mass consumption of instant gratification
pass the medication, ask for nothing, but relief
i need an inoculation, doctor, even though i know your occupation's
really indoctrination, take two of these, it'll put you at ease
but won't, heal the disease, religion and television'll give you a
health condition of bein pidgin holed, its hot in hells kitchin

males cookin the finest slot in the diner it'll make your heart stop
but your taste buds find it appealing

jump up touch the ceiling, master the healing feeling
while i'm revealing the real things, 'stead of a antihistimine
and a pistol, i got a pad and a pencil
give me a remedy free of any inhibiting things
limiting my life and liberty

whats relief? i want it
whats relief? i need it
whats relief? i got to have it

lets release or at least turn over a new leaf

i think they need a hit, send 'em a savior,
to extract the venom within 'em and maybe then they would see the light
and get a grip on the key to life, you'll never find freedom
walking the street at night, in a bottle of wine, a syringe or a pipe,
or up in the night, club dressed in sumtin tight, with just the right
curves and dimensions, muscles tight with fake curls and extensions - or -
muscle bound with his hustle down, packed and scrilla stacked,
but he just a clown

you'll never get it from the money, or get it from the drugs,
you only get it from living your life givin your love
transcended and splendid, but dance with the devil and you're bound
to find a fast ending
comatose from an overdose of the corrosive potion they float to us
coast to coast

whats relief? i want it
whats relief? i need it
whats relief? i got to have it

breath in ... breath out ..
release

breath in ... breath out ..
release

My Nokia N800: "There is no gate on this house. We will live here!"

2008-06-19T05:36:00.000-07:00

(posted to the las vegas linux users group mailing list)

So my eyes opened wide when I saw my first EEE at the last meeting.
But I was offered a good deal on an n800 by someone who couldn't use
it to its full potential, so I had to get it.

"Linux? Whats linux? I want to play music on my phone ..."

http://linuxdevices.com/articles/AT8033409446.html

I began by playing around with the default install of 2007 for a bit.
My first impulse was to configure video chat and send it to a relative,
but soon I saw that gTalk on the PC didn't support video calls, while
the client on the n800 did ...

http://maemo.org/community/wiki/HOWTO_FlashLatestNokiaImageWithLinux

So I had to update to 2008. The first problem I ran into was the
error "To flash the bootloader, you have to supply the X-Loader..."
after downloading the earlier version of 2008. Using the latest version
worked very well. The interface was nicer, but took up more of the screen.

Overall it was faster as it clocked the CPU to 400mhz instead of the 2007's
speed of 333mhz. I have been using the device a lot since I got it; I charge
it at night and when I am near a plug, and haven't noticed a big difference
in the battery life.

My second task was to get shell access - luckily ossi-xterm was included in
2008. Typing wasn't very fun at first, using the stylus and smaller keyboard,
until I discovered the full-screen keyboard, which you can essentially thumb.

Fully debian underneath, apt-get works and there is even a trick to get root:
"sudo gainroot". After setting a root password sudo will still ask for a
password, but I don't use sudo normally so I haven't gotten to making that work.
I set a user password also; (the default user is "user"). Then I went about
happily installing many, many applications.

http://www.gronmayer.com/it/

This page contains a collection of n800 repositories. Navigable from the
devices built in browser, it is very easy to add them. I am still not sure
as to which are worthy and which cause confusion - my application manager is
full of various similarly named categories, and viewing the entire list is
tedious, as the column for version numbers overrides the column for names ..
making most of the names unreadable. I just ran through it by category.

The first program installed was SSH, and off to my desktop I went, looking
through the filesystem with greater ease..

I have to go, but first I will tell of my experience with video chat. Using
gizmo5 which is linked from the default menu, the compression seems to cause
lots of artifacts. The audio is good, and the incoming video is good, but the
video the n800 produces is sub-par. There may be other possibilities and I
will try them out soon enough.

A word about the camera - it seems to produce lots of staticy artifacts. I have
noticed that when it is turning on, at one point while it is brightening up, it
produces a very good picture. Maybe it allows in too much light? Neither the
supplied camera application or the downloaded Knips allow any tuning of the
camera which is a shame.

I am now in #maemo as well as #lvlug and will share any more information I
gain in due time.

Chad

running on fumes

2008-06-16T02:41:00.000-07:00

how can a mind create a visual and rational (seemingly) imagination with no energy ...

"its like running on fumes, but it behaving like nitrous ..."

"your subconcious mind doesn't need energy, the conscious mind runs on energy"

after having had respectable amount of sleep for several days, barely being able to form coherent, focused thought streams, passing out into slumber produces dreams with such strength that i feel as if i were almost awake.

perhaps, awake in another way.

the extent of psychosomatic conditioning

2008-06-16T02:05:00.000-07:00

as a child your mother heavily scolds you for doing something wrong.

found under the cabinet drinking tide, you are jerked out of the kitchen
and beaten first with a shoe, then a belt, and then punched and kicked.

the intention was to show you that such behavior was unacceptable.
how many of you agree that the punishment was correct, if a bit harsh?

you are now thirty years old. you have been eating take out and fast food
since that event. let us assume that the tide was just about to touch your
lips and it was not responsible for any brain damage.

you have never felt comfortable in a kitchen. you cannot cook, you have
very weird eating habits and diets. whenever you sit too close to the
kitchen in a resturaunt you begin to break out in hives.

in your day to day life to persuade people to eat various things, tell
them to eat out and not cook. you have many rationalizations on the
dangers of cooking for ones self.

third eye schizm

2008-06-01T03:07:00.000-07:00

(to boom bip - seed to sun - 02 third stream)

i got a third eye schizm in vision my jizzm hitsem in rhythms and misses simply hit re
when meters began matter mainly, my patterns make he, and fractured rappers thank me
consolidating space gee, pick himself up and run hastly, through clouds of hazy
im done chasing and back tracing appear adjacent to allow non-complacent racin thinkin
slowin down is maintainin no complainin latent defacin the whole galaxy rakin those falacies
collect masons build faces my feces be splatterin thesis in peices host poetry placin posts and defining foundations and floetry you know its me when grounds shakin and heads bakin makin minds crazy and eyes lazy
they can't see

so they head underground - dont you agree?
a place to sit comfortably
amongst the roots of a tree
and run for free
i stopped looking for the perfect beat
when it found me
twas like

theres never enough time in reality!

i need a break

i need a break!

can't ford admission for the mission attention is missin stand up and start dissin hissin spittin kisses and makin commisions
the line is fixing my pen is empty the ink sent me to say nothing and start bustin and wrestlin these rascales who take concerts and turn into objects of mass destruction my book is jumpin connection to somethin slong as its open im scopin for fake crushin and rushin these munchkins flakin in dysfunction ... i'm hopin ..

in vast castles of glass we glance attem and cast arcs battle amass calmly and blast atoms in chanted anthems
if you can grasp fathom the last random act of man then mandate madmen to run fashion

Testable decimal infitessimle
Messible Misserable sack of lyin specimen
interestin crustin pesants

You messin with the decimal infitessimle
Math cannon rhymer
Old timer with a camera picture black and blue
your crew when they get led by you
But they ate lead by me
Thats the stream you see
drainin to the gutters
Whats the matter you mutter your blood splattered your mother
You buster
Your starvation makes me fatter
I live to roast your ass in the batter
Dip your butt in butter
The crazy hatted mad gatter
Boston cut and gutter
Shoot and smother
Take a nap I'll wake you after

You fuckin with a natural disaster
Minds meld when my tricks presence is felt
Your soul in slavery is heald

I snatched you from your maker
The breath taker
Last man you'll meet
But permanent unlike concrete

Composure Lost

2008-05-17T13:49:00.000-07:00

Composure lost

I don't know how to do it.
I don't know how to keep my composure right now.

Internally there are fires and revolutions and wars and constant bloodshed
the land of the rational vs the land of the children

I'm watching my self jump up and down, throwing a tantrum, pointing at the invisible
to you, but tangible to me, source of all of this pain

I am not lost though every sense in my body tells me so

This document serves as a marker, as home, as my future, and as my past.

A decision must be made immediatly regarding where I will live from now on.

I have never made this decision before. If I have, it is not currently apparent.

You see, even though I may laugh I am very depressed.

Even though I may smile there is not enough joy in my heart to produce such a response.

I don't know where it comes from.

I am mad, I am insane, I am not under my own volition

Control has been subjugated to various unknown entities acting under the guise of me.

An inquiry

As I sit here in wonderment of my own faculties and principles
I ponder the things that so many consider simple and take for granted.

Only through this inquiry will I find out where you stand.

When I am at the top of my cycle, full of energy, exuberant, interesting,
and magnetic, are you attracted to those qualities that I exhibit?

Because without a doubt I can tell you that my psyche will visit places
with terrain so unfamiliar as to require an entirely different set of
survival skills.

When I am lethargic, slow, angry, reclusive, and depressed,
will you recognize who I am?

What is said of my character, of a personality which changes in a
predictable but unknowable cycle?

As I can visualize some of you already walking away, I can understand.
We have not built up a bond strong enough to withstand these stresses.
Stresses of logic and comfort, distortions of perceptions already built
and accustomed to seeing things in one way and one way only.

After so long I guess I am not quite sure how to do it; either that, or I do,
but I have never focused all of my energy into doing it.

Such is life, no one can save you, you must save your self.

Thanks for reading this, at least, friend, and I know that one day
some part of me will come out of you, somewhere, at some time, for
some reason ...

Ahh. The reason.

Keywords: Chad Bertrand Terry, terbospeed, suicide, madness, possibilities,
possibly psychomatic, psychedelics, power, providence, psychosis, april fools,
attention, awareness, perception, poetry, writing, art, long drawn out jokes, life
pain suffering, on camera, dramatization, questioning fundamental personal ideas and
assumptions, identity, foundations, commorbidity, myopia

An Exchange Regarding Relationships (m4w craigslist strictly platonic)

2008-05-08T16:52:00.000-07:00

An exchange regarding relationships - m4w (las vegas baby)
Date: 2008-05-08, 4:52PM PDT

Having the desire to know everything about someone,
spend copious amounts of time with them, trust them,
please and sacrifice for them, is not the only pre-
requisite for being able to have that type of
relationship.

How do I know? I'm 28 have had no romantic life to
speak of, dating back to childhood. I am attuned to
psychological interpretations of how humans behave;
possibly to the point of inhibiting any normal connections
being made. Its also severely difficult to just maintain
friendships with women when I've felt the need for a deep
relationship all of my life, and I often become infatuated
or obsessed over any female that shows me attention or casual
affection.

Such is life, I have posted here looking for mates but I've
concluded that if you don't know who you are, you don't know
who you will be compatible with.

So now I am simply interested in conversing on the complicated
topic of interpersonal relationships. I figure a lot of people
have similar problems, I have seen too many beautiful women who
never seemed to have good relationships.

This discourse can be conducted over e-mail, instant messaging,
or irc. Your story gets mine, or vice versa. (g) I've also been
reading "Toward a Lasting Romantic Relationship" by Edith Packer,
which brought me to this conclusion. (capitalism.net)

Take care.

i died in a blogging accident

2008-01-13T03:13:00.000-08:00

im running down the streets of new york now ... damn this thumbrd!
im trying to upload the photos right now, but the %&@( thing wont
multitask!! let me move them to the card .... aagggggghhhhhh!!!!!

Buck 65 - Spooked Lyrics

2007-11-21T12:22:00.000-08:00

calling all cons, all the overlooked
time is running out, world is overcooked
fire in the sky, evil in the street
blood is everywhere, haven't been to sleep
teeth are falling out, eyes are turning red
curled up in a ball, on a burning bed
beaten to a pulp, stronger than a horse
reality is cruel, so we're men of course

war is being waged, bridges being built
forests being cut, truth is being killed
someone better pay, sharpen all the knives
swallow all the swords, don't apologize
teach a man to fish, take away his rights
you can run away, you can stay and fight
helicopter blades, ordinary god
artificial limbs, ignored and very odd
written on a wall, hidden in a book
television screams, but i didn't look
put it in your mouth, paint it black and white
everything is wrong, thats exactly right
whats the bottom line?

demolish all the clocks, smash the telephone
try to call the cops, free the prisoners
get your money back, break it into bits
they'll come running back

tell them all to go to hell, stay in bed
turn the tables over, no more playing dead
every move you make, being monitored
not a place to hide, nothing not a word
thoughts are on the loose, slowly going blind
bombs are being dropped, only blowing minds
pages filling up, tremors all around
spells are being cast, men are falling down

scary scary thoughts, very very bad,
very very bad, very very bad
someones at the door, shouldn't let them in
make a better plan, take your medicine
do the dirty work, do your duty first
music in the world, all the beauty hurts
rearrange the room, dead at 28
wish it wasnt so, gone at any rate
what you looking at? reflection in the spoon
say the magic words, your turn is coming soon
torture chamber walls, cemetary song
body slowing down, mind is very strong
all i need is books, kisses on my face
use to have the touch, this is gone to waste
eyes and ears and hands, tangled in the wire
pushed over the ledge, strangled in the fire
flowers in the trash, sleepin on the floor
looking for a place, no ones gone before
air conditioner, waiting for a train
focus on the source, can't ignore the pain
can't describe the sound, sick of being asked

living in a hole, now i'm free at last
this is what its like, try it on for size
walk around the block, limited supplies
dishes in the sink, kittens in the lake
start your praying when, bow begins to break
not a chance in hell, cows are coming home
set the woods on fire, borrow someones phone
borrow someones phone, call the number now

miracles are done, and i wonder how,
and i wonder where, and i wonder what,
and i wonder when, and i wonder who

[chorus]

why can't i do right, and will i die to night
step out in my sleep, slept out in the street
dogs and guns and stars, gods and funds and stars,

tell tell, it it, like like, tell it like it is ..

the path to enlightenment is unpaved and discontinuous - and has no survival value for society

2007-09-19T04:17:00.000-07:00

I just finished the book by George Jaidar.
After that I began reading U.G. Krishnamurti's views on spirituality and enlightenment, in Mind as Myth.
(Its funny, jct was my original username on escape.com in the mid 90's).

The Soul is basically an exposition on spiritual enlightenment from
a cultural conditioning standpoint; it makes the argument that
religion is more a method of control, which Krishnamurti says is likened
to police control, one being internal, one being external. It gives ideas
on how conditioning effects a being, (the mind being the conditioning and
memories and dreams and a born talker), and that this conditioning is for
surviving in society.

Looking back at Buddhism it seems a lot of it is conditioning, and paired
with Krishnamurti's cynical yet clear views of enlightenment, it seems that
it doesn't even exist. (Yes, a panacea for existence, sounds like a form of
desire.)

So I contemplated becoming a materialist; that is, all that exists is the body.
You cannot see anything really, all that you can see is thought, for thought is
the determining factor that judges and controls and wishes to forever stay
continuous, and for everything to be knowable; though reality is discontinuous
and unknowable.

Though thought is already dead, it asserts that life goes on forever, and creates
entire worlds in which to immerse in, validifying (at least to itself) that there
is a reason to live.

But what about the body? The body knows no difference between pain and pleasure,
good and bad, all it does is live and recreate.

Thought is the method through which it lives; conditioning is neccesary for survival in society..

So why are there so many apparent problems in society? There aren't, actually.
As long as we are all surviving and feeding the machine nothing needs to change,
it will in due time and some of us have interests in bringing about that change,
while others will simply be able to use the system to seemingly satisfy themselves.

So all of this seems fine. I had no interest in these things until I was 19, indeed
I didn't think at all about the future (despair), and lived in a world created by
excess fear. That changed and now I live in a world influenced by fear but mainly
shaped by hope and desire.

Desire which doesn't exist and which removes my own power.
Hmm .. what do I want with power anyway?

This was great for me, I always had something to chase, and always something to
run from, all the while thinking that I simply wanted to stand still. But I was
standing still ..

--

I woke up at 4am for no apparent reason; from no memorable dream. I hopped on IRC
and found inhahe unable to sleep also, and jokingly remarked "wow suuuch a funny
coincidence!!". An hour later though, the old man who lives with my Grandma was
up at 5am .. making food, and being pretty loud, something I've never seen before.
Coincidence or not? Does it really matter? (It seems he was going somewhere, and
the wireless being down and me being on the modem at the time stopped some call
from coming in for a ride he was waiting for.)

There are definitally many things beyond the limited vehicle of thought. We can
make that up into many myths and explain many experiences in many ways. If they
are true or not we will probably never know until science "proves" it.

I'm compelled to inquire about all of this, as there is something about my
experience and physiology that seems .. different. Oh and I want attention.

Perception is reality. We see what we expect to see. And [our] language is woefully
inadaquate at actually describing reality. None of these things matter in the grand
picture, for if something doesn't have survival value for society it never really
comes about in sanctioned ways.

While we may want things to change they may or may not; desire has the common
factor of always being stronger as the hope of something that will make you better
and stronger, but as it is recieved you realize that it wasn't really what you
wanted; reinforcing the desire to get the one thing that you thought you did want.

Past and future.

Who is here now?
What is there to do in the now?

Probably just enjoy it.
But even that is something the body doesn't need.
Seems like a desire.

Sounds like I don't want to survive in society, thanks though.
Malenculturation takes its tolls ..

Signing off, your tripped out investigator from the fringes of humanity and
the edges of sanity, the mad-capped mental scientist determined to prove
that life exists

- Chad

this very moment is the only moment that there is

2007-09-18T08:38:00.000-07:00

you cannot desire it
you can just be in it.

you can just enjoy it.

- Osho

young people

2007-09-18T08:30:00.000-07:00

There was once a young girl
Who went by a name unknown
Though her body was young
It was her mind that had grown

She would dream of a world
Far away but so close
And would seek out the souls
Who would show what she knows

Though her beauty was complete
She could live as if it were not so
And strive for these dreams
And where they would go

She had hair made of gold
And diamonds for eyes
A highly contageous smile
Expensive and spry

Though no one could tell her
She held her own soul
And would search endlessly
For aeons untold

Fingers quick filled with energy
They would pen down the day
She could release her own self
From the whims of dismay

From the whims of dismay
Came the blood of her life
That would set her soul free
And relieve all the strife

To relive the times passed
Was a thought often held
And a lover of worth
For their two minds to meld

She was noticed by many
Though appreciated by few
And the end of this story
I shall leave up to you.

--

There was once a young man
That had traveled alone
For a time so long
That the world seemed his own

Though he knew it untrue
His mind saw only him
He would go place to place
And keep moving on whim

He lacked the simple touch
Of his life to a pen
And would write feverously
To free his self from this sin

And at night he would arrive
To a house warm and full of light
But would leave in the morn
Feeling worn and disliked

Though no one soul could tell him
He wandered in ways of old
Down roads unnamed and unpaved
and a temperature so cold

He would smile happily
And the sun would be jealous
But when the moon took its place
His dreams would be hellish

And he walks to this day
Searching for that place better
And for you to end this story
is the point of this letter.

bring magic to the world

2007-09-13T07:55:00.000-07:00

this life seemed to offer 3 paths to take

1, of being a normal, slightly creative and intelligent, but otherwise socially inept, repressed, human.
3, of being a raving, conspiracy driven, highly delusional guy in and out of institutions and reality,
constantly medicated and/or doped up, doomed to die in some alley way in some small city ...

2, of being a magic maker.
nope, there are few schools that teach this profession, except for the magical world itself,
and though no one around me quite understands the implications of this path, i steadily trod
it hoping for great reward .. though i may spend my entire life traveling.

my purpose is perfection
perfection through infinite possibilities

the internet is down

2007-09-13T03:27:00.000-07:00

the internet has gone out, which is something that happens regularly
when you rely on someone elses apparent carelessness. it seems to
happen here pretty often, and it only comes back on when they go
and reset their modem ...

i had a dream i was on some island this afternoon. i barely remember
most of it. the other day i had a dream that my great grandmother was
a sort of opera singer, but the way she used her voice was dreamlike,
nothing like i've ever heard. i was there talking to someone about
making techno and he didn't seem to like my suggestions.

i had a dream about this girl. we were in some dark city, but i remember
talking to her. before that i had a dream where my grade school class
was in some sort of room, eating chicken, and i gave her my laptop.
she disappeared, and everyone left, except for my friend, and i told
him something regarding that she was going to be my girlfriend.

my desire seems to increase exponentially when a female is the subject.
i don't understand why. i've been without the appreciation of a woman
for so long that it doesn't even seem possible now; i was in love when
i was 22, with a very nice woman, but we were mainly connected physically,
which then became an emotional connection, which eventually ended up in
fighting. at least i got to know what it feels like, but even in retrospect
it didn't seem quite right.

looking back it probaly failed because we were both inexperienced and
didn't talk about what we actually needed, though she was several years
older than me. looking at her life now she is still alone, and seems to
work with children out of a need to nurture others.

well i have those same needs but conditioning and confusion have complicated
their attainment. it would be nice if humans were perfect ..

i've watched my karma repeat and unfold in mysterious but predictable ways.
i'm good at watching it but not so good at changing it. maybe i'm not as
interested in changing it as i am in eradicating it all. being an ascetic.

the hunch that this world was an illusion was uncovered when i was pretty
young. i have magic. but it more has me as i'm not able to control it very
well. people without magic attempt to devalue mine, or people who have it
and don't know or understand it do the same. look me over.

my ideas on the nature of reality, many of which i developed in seclusion,
were seen mirrored in ancient texts. i know i'm not that crazy at least.

but to share this life is always a goal. it just might be a false desire
though. i need to work on my self and the extents to which my mind travels
scares the shit out of anyone who is not used to it, or has not seen it
before. which makes doing this alone seem all the more plausable. i'm not
attached to any certain way of this working itself out, i'm just floating ..

i'm ultra-creative. my muse is just shy. i've attempted to honour her and
found ways to do that, but its hard, fasting, praying, coming down and being
more aware of my consciousness. no one knows what those things are for, they
think that being surrounded by stimulation constantly will set them free.

maybe for them. but i have bigger dreams ...

so the internet went down so i started writing. hmm.

from stoner to loner

2007-09-13T02:22:00.000-07:00

Drugs drugs drugs .. I've done a lot of them, and sometimes the experience was
good, sometimes it was bad; sometimes I saw my self change from it, others
I just wanted more.

A big part of the drug scene is the social aspect. Some people have problems
socializing with others out of context; that is to say, if they are not in a
school, not working a job, not in any groups or programmes, then there is nothing
that connects them to the people around them. Or if the people that they do have
a chance to socialize with are just radically different ...

So the times that I have stopped using drugs were times when I had to find new
social groups. My best friend is a pothead, and I can only take so much tempting
from him. A lot of my friends are brought together by pot, by acid, by the search
and the relaxation and the persecution, and often when either of us begins to see
a negative effect on our lives because of this usage, we are immediatly out of the
group.

"Hey man, I quit smoking" is a common phrase heard as you pass someone who you used
to hang out with, usually on the way to find some more.

Often times though, you find solace in the experience, that you share visions with
someone, that they have similar thoughts on philosophy, religion, and morales, and
also that there is often an urge to express, through music, through writing, through
drawing. Some of them were quite good at what they did, but had no motivation to go
through with this coming out of expressionism, often they sobered up and just became
workaholics.

Some people went crazy. Some people just wanted to escape from themselves. Some just
wanted life to be interesting because normally it didn't seem so. Some were lonely
and appreciated the added dimensions the drugs showed them. Some were just addicted.

I was all of these and none of them at the same time. I do very well sober and can
even take some company that is intoxicated. I'm different from a lot of druggies though;
before I first began to use any types of drugs I read a *lot* about it. Surely you can't
learn something solely from reading about it, but as I saw more and more blatent
discrimination and misinformation being expressed by people who seemed to be operating
out of fear and were afraid to lose control, I decided to give them a try, and its
lead my life since then.

Kundalini began to arouse.

A few weeks after I began to smoke pot at 18, I felt an odd, but not unpleasant, burning
sensation at the end of my tailbone. Later that day I had my first vision, after which
I passed out for more than 20 hours. A year later I was connected with the first woman I
ever got to know, again because of pot, and we both lost our minds that year, but they
came back, at least for ME, but I got to experience the Oakland Rave Scene, and psychedelics,
and exctasy ..

Anyhow after my mind began to stop working like it had normally worked I noticed that I had
never enquired as to why my mind was doing what it did. Why I was who I was. I was mainly
depressed and repressed and antisocial and unconfident with low self-esteem. Until the point
that I lost my mind .. I got to look at how I was, and made a decision to change it.

I found little information about my experience, and how the mind was actually
composed, in modern psychiatry. I found lots of information on this in spiritual
information, the kind weaved in and out of all things religious. Desire kept us
alive.

Nowadays I just have lots of anxiety. I've found that my diet is my drug of choice, that I
eat to satisfy transitory emotions, and that it has profound effects on my mood and energy
level. Though with desires as strong as mine are its hard to choose a diet of light food,
vegetables, fruits, regular cleansing.

A lot of the problems I have are symbolic. Some of them disappear with the
slightest of approaches. The constant changing though ...

Well, I'm still pretty delusional. I get to look at things from varying perspectives, I'd
say. I have poor control of the excess amounts of creative energy I possess. I donno what
to do. I live the life of someone in a movie. I've met the directors and discussed various
plot changes, so all is not as bad as it seems. They keep giving me hints of what to say.
Everyone else has a script but I have the privilage of being able to improvise.
Constantly.

Some day I'll write a book about all of the things I've read and experienced.
Then I'll probaly write another.
5 pages a day. 5 days a week. 3 months. 300 pages. Could I use some editing skill?

Lots of material to draw upon.

So this isn't all about drugs and social groups but drugs played a big part in me seeing
through the illusions that were shown to me regarding life in the "real" world. For instance,
I've met two people who say they were able to remove their need for glasses. But a doctor
would never tell you about that, he just has to give you a prescription and increase it over
time, guaranteeing him money. I might not get my vision back 20/20, but I might not have to
wear these damned things ever again ...

So through all of this I've learned to trust in signs and visions more than anything
else. And to look at the stars when I was uncertain as to which way to go.

I still remember the sign I saw on the day I asked if I should retreat to the mountains and
vision quest, or try and have a relationship with a woman. It was clear as day though the
night was dark. It didn't tell me which woman I should be with though; only that she would
be shorter and probably plumper than I was. :D

Oh, none of my time in the past was wasted, and through all of the confusion
I have some good ideas. I could stop thinking now and just live off of pure
inspiration. Or I could keep thinking and just stay in the atmosphere.

Creativity is definitally divine.

why i write

2007-09-13T02:14:00.000-07:00

It all began on a cold night in a hotel room in Oakland.
I was sedated and out of my mind.
I was seeing visions, closing my eyes and holding my hands
in front of my eyes, and seeing the bones in my hands, and
that image not fading.

I was working on a C1XS picurebook named yesbook.

I passed out that fateful night, and when I awoke that morning
I found four lines of poetry beginning with "in the valley of awareness" ..

The memory of writing those lines has eluded me; and except for someone
coming into my room and knowing my password and leaving it there, I assume
something in me wrote it.

It was the first creative writing I had done in over a year, and its the only writing
from that period of time that I still have; nay, remember in my head.

----

I speculate that I began to write in this manner to remember where I was
and to express it to those around me.
My memory is very strange; I feel compartmentalized in what are called
my mood swings.

----

Almost two years later I began to get the urge again, to write. The first writing
was on a crystal voyage with my companion Terry. It began 'while meticously
maneuvering amongst unnacompanied metamorphosis' ... typed into a cell phone.
It seemed to be more a message to my self, than any form of art to share. I look
back at the pieces from my other lives and still find new ways to interpret them.

Others seem to be able to utilize certain parts of my expression though. Some
have made livings from these pains and misunderstandings, but the prospect
of being prosperous from my poetry drives my desire even wilder ..

----

I wrote a few more things after that, culminating on the day of the Annointment.
I'm still convinced, by circumstance, that these writings are not so much to be
shared as they are for me to look over and study; kind of bringing information
down from hypnosis, but I have a hard time looking back at my self.

But in the sharing I often see things through others eyes that I couldn't see
with my own.

On the day of the Annointment I had recieved an Apple Newton. It lacks a
keyboard and input was done with a stylus and onboard keypad. Walking
down the bike path in Ojai something came to mind; I realised that there was
always something in my mind to be written but I had never had a way to record
it at the time. Oh if I were happy with just writing on paper .. which I'm not.

So I began to write "I have been feeling very cold" and had finished a paragraph
by the time I had reached a group of fellow indigents at 1913. After talking
and hanging out for a bit more came to my mind; it was different though; it was
so interesting that I found my self writing faster and faster to keep up with the
thoughts.

That night I began to write more and more. Soon I was lost in this transcription.
It was if a muse had awaken, and was giving this little child candy in increasing
amounts. I was sitting on the bench down from Rainbow Bridge at 9pm and
wrote something that I haven't looked back on yet; "somehow I wrote down the
perfect buzz"...

That night I went home and began a ritual whose origins I am unaware of. I filled
the small garage-turned-room I was living in with Jano into an incense filled landing
signal. Six sticks burning, in 3 directions -- and I was the fourth.

That night I wrote all night. I was on some private net, in the schizophrenia channel
and began to write so much they were convinced I was simply pasting paragraphs.
I have never, in my life, been in an altered state like that. It may have been related
to the food and sleep deprivation caused by the intense depression I had
experienced weeks before ...

So anyway since that night my muse has had little trouble showing itself. It seems
to be integrating into me, and I can be inspired by the smallest of occurances. My
only fault is of not having focus, but there are times when that can even be a bonus.

---

So I write to remember for my self. Its all diary writing.

I also write to express to others what is happening to me.

When it first began in 1999 I feverously used Google to
find the odd word combinations that would arrise in my mind;
and would find few results, but one of those results would be
powerful and effect my world-view and questioning mind for the
better .. so now I leave those same marks that I once was fueled by.

A lot of the things that I experience are not fully understood by our
current culture; a lot of the things I experience I read about and formulate
my own ideas; a lot of the things I experience need further articulation
and I believe one day I will be able to provide this articulation.

Theres something really wrong but theres something really right,
in this experience. The lonlieness will be overcome.

One day someone, maybe me, will understand and utilize this.
That day will be spectacular; the sun will stand still
on this day.

(looking back ... let there be light)

i asked my self a dangerous question, and the love died

2007-09-12T10:15:00.000-07:00

the love died

i tell my self, when i am having dreams of her,
that it is just me, attaching to desire, false
desire.

the dreams are not wholly pleasurable, they
are mysterious and forgotten easily, and
they seem to be of me reliving a childhood
fantasy, than of an actual event.

when i am thinking of her, i tell myself that
they are because i want to know that she is happy,
not always that she accepts me and knows how
to deal with me.

i guess it will pass, all of this energy i've built
up in my self, with a little of her help, her not
watching where her energy goes effeciently.

i wanted to take a picture of a set of watermelons,
descending in size, but at the right time, when
the sunlight hit them perfectly, but i waited too
long and the picture was gone. i am ok with missing
the picture, there are always other pictures waiting
to be captured and shared.

i wonder why so much of my life is caught up in my
childhood. what of those experiences has been under
my radar for so long, and is being resurfaced in my
self work.

learning about sexuality before most people did, and
not learning about female interaction way after the
others, i wonder why i'm so self-centered and childish
to this day..

a silly childhood dream to love and be loved by a woman.
just dreams, they say, just my imagination that it might
happen, just a coincidence that we would lock eyes and
begin to fantasize ..

just me picking at open wounds in feverish attempts to
heal them.

putting on a song that 9 months ago made me awefully sad,
as I had connected it with a woman, but now it makes me happy.
i listened to it thousands of times on repeat, for what reason?
now i know it by heart. days on end, windows i'm changing, silent
hands, like its a virtue, holding on to damaged truth, like its
a weapon, meant to hurt you ..

having dreams about prior lives, looking at the Grand Cross in
the sky, wondering when saturn will stop affecting me as it has
been this entire time.

why does nothing fit into these categories i'm provided .. will
i have to go out and make my own categories!?

---

so I asked my self a dangerous question. it lead to insanity. I was quite
comfortable in this insanity though I kept thinking that I was alone,
the spirits and voices told me that I should look elsewhere for companionship.

Ok no thats not what this is about. Its about flowers dying, the kind that grow
from cracks in buildings, from cement fields, that survive though they are
trampled upon by hordes of worker ants ...

I asked my self this question: What if this woman who was the
object of my desire, who I attributed so much good to, who I spent so
much energy trying to connect with, was not as such?

What if I was deluding myself? What if there was no goal such as to find
someone actually appreciated the little things they could do to make you
happy, and that you could make someone else happy and enjoy their laughter
and smiles so much. If nothing I did intrigued her, and if she thought my life was
not going anywhere and that we really didn't see eye-to-eye on critical issues ..

So its all true. I'm looked down upon and criticized and viewed with detached
emotion. Ho hum. Living in a city that I don't like too much, though travel was the
plan, I can drive across the country every month if it were fun enough, and as to
the city .. just too much noise and dirt and ugly unhappy people. I prefer small
towns where you can actually smile at people and befriend
them if you want. Where everyone knows everyone :)

Easier to succeed in those places, I believe. The alternative is to go back to Ojai
and bide my time. Cleanse my self first, as this has had the most drastic effects on
my mental and physical health I have ever seen. Possibly get a place if I can find
one with lots of privacy and outdoor space, but its possible since I know almost
half the town. Get a simple job to maintain a schedule, maybe tutoring ESL :)
Maybe something simple that wouldn't require much effort, and of course cash
is preferred.

Pay more attention to my dream life, keep a stricter diet. Start to organize my
writing, and of course go to more poetry readings. Learn more about astrology.
Everyone seems to be so interested in it, but doesn't take the simple steps to
learn about it. :) So simple really. I'm honest about it though, and even some
people who say they are honest have filters through which this truth has to be
seen.

I donno, I asked my self a dangerous question, and it drove me insane.

I'm watching a kid write poetry on IRC. I think its good, I often tell him he should
use it to heal himself. Speak the poetry, but since he is usually improvising it he
could just get on stage and see where his mind went. I want to do the same, in
fact its a higher goal, rip the script, perform meditation then grab ears and
proceed to unleash and without hesitation ..

wish she wanted the same. oh well. :)

Its funny I have quite a few ways to make money right now. I'm just not that
interested in pursing them. What would I do if I had lots of money? Buy a big
rig and travel the country? Buy a lot of electronic gear? I already have lots
of things .. all I'm missing is a video camera and some focus. You can't
buy focus and love. Hum. Well money isn't the only reason I will pursue
one of the things initially. Underground hip hop is fun, so is freestyling,
but I'm sure I am pinpointing the things that hold me back.

Women. The flow of energy in me imbalanced, internalized. Discipline and
commitment, but when things change so often, how can you commit to any
one thing?

the soulstice song [poem 3 - 12.2003] Current mood: retrospective

2007-09-11T09:40:00.000-07:00

On this summer solstice I was hopeless
very homeless
and with no destination
But beyond my wildest dream lies the explanation
right or wrong
And this last winter solstice I was thrust into a
large magnetic
electronic field
and my calculations had too much energy
overriding my imagination
reminding me of my dissatisfaction with stimulation
i wasnt alone but lived in solitude
with no clue but to follow through with this information

But then on the first spring solstice I was born
left with no,
mother to mourn
and I guess never did
so I write a song

to be
bottled and sank,
for fishes to drink,
but never fully digested
my attention span is invested in the entire world
and its origin
I didnt go to look
but It found me
tryed to drown me, in
the senseless rational of an infant
oh so beautiful
never made a sound
just stared back at me
with concentration fueled by an amazing energy
like I was the glitch
the anomoly
born from seperation
a wild imagination
is all i've had
to navigate
designated mad computer hacker number one
i feel as if my work in this place will never be done
nomad

meticously manuevering [poem 2 - 12.2003] expansion

2007-09-11T09:29:00.000-07:00

"
While meticously manuevering amongst unnacompanied metamorphosis

Voices sad and strong sulk, in a space not far away
Sounds subtly suggesting, you are not alone

Emminate, originate
From, requirements repeatedly presented
And perversly propositioned.
Rejected projections of fantasies perfected

Prepare for permanent delusions
Quietly concealing clarity

If you should just, whisper thy name
until death
Before and after every breath.
"

The rapid change I began at 19, the metamorphosis.

Hallucinations, but mainly affirmations from the good spirits around me.

My biggest desire/dream is to be with my mother, and
to reconcile my ability to be with other women in
fulfilling relationships

There definitally is a logic to this irrational experience.

Meditation on Om. Conscious breathing.

in the valley of awareness [poem 1 - 2002/3] expansion

2007-09-11T08:20:00.000-07:00

"
In the valley of awareness
Surrounded by the mountains of reality
Covered by the sky of consciousness
The stars are mine.
"

If you close your eyes you may be able to see the picture it paints. I just
figured out, its an invocation, as well as a picture. We are not our minds,
(though mine/mind can be synomymous), we are surrounded by things that appear
"real" though the physical world is only a subset of what is real, and true
consciousness, sub and super, look down on all of that .. I'm just a star.

I only remember finding this poem on my computer the next day.
It was in 2002, I think.
This was the first writing that intrigued me,
which was also saved from destruction.

On some random channel

2007-09-10T20:33:00.000-07:00

This is what I believe to be channeling.
Either from my own subconscious mind with conscious interaction or from some outer world source which I do not have conscious recognition of,
except for through these words.

Words from thoughts from desires from impulses from souls, what is the best way to track this course?

Of course we were designed by default to look over these facts, but the fact that I wish to stare them directly in the face
determines that I am of a different quality than those around me, not higher, not lesser, just with a different purpose in mind,
and defined, in what Prana Miller calls a "pre-birth agreement".

We all have negative and positive traits; one of mine is that I am able to focus so deeply into the moment that I can not even
feel my self writing, I can not fully remember what I have written, and without clear intention, I can not know what I will write next.

It is good and bad. I wish to have clear goals and focus and concentration abilities but up to this point all efforts toward this have
been thwarted and I am stuck with seeing and feeling things that aren't really there and thinking thoughts that are never quite clear.

Wanting to save those around me and express to them the divine possibilities of an awakening and to take them there also ...

But as it stands I am simply a man with a laptop and agile fingers, a mind functioning in odd ways, and a lot of dreams ...

So many dreams ...

I have been sleeping in the bed from my childhood, and have had many dreams each night. They seem to be preoccupied with my
childhood, my friends of that time, the house that I lived in.

I wonder why experiences of a young person so awfully effect the life of a supposed grown man.

We'll see in the future, for my firm belief is that it holds great splendors for all.

kundalini vs schizophrenia - a higher perspective

2007-09-03T07:00:00.000-07:00

*/o for those who believe in their delusions
instead of the constitution */o
*/o for those who are trapped in instutions
waiting for retribution */o

This is gonna be posted some other places. I was allowed to write it
tonight, I think it explains whats going on but to understand it its best ..
to just experience it.
-

today my high was of a
exceptional
quality
do you believe in psychic ability?
I could define my current experiences

There is something radically
different about my mood and
perceptional, focus and
concentration, memory emotional
and self awareness identification
which is just for starts, which ALL
change constantly and over long
terms

It is socially dysfunctional but can
empower certain serious personal arts

shadow worker

i mean i can think in blind spots of
my self and others and I feel
greatly

(almost) everything I experienced is
described in the dsm iv.

everything I's experience was
described in 3000+ year old mystical
expositions. I mean all humans and how
the mind works, develops, misdevelops,
and can be optimally develop. Indeed,
how it should be.

300 year old psychology. highly intellectually,
socially and externally developed. doctor
observes someone else who is sick. decides on
a treatment. generalises from that what is normal.

it has lots to discover, but cant discover very many
things about itself.

myths and spiritual awakening
descriptions and instructions,
known by the highest minds who
sought to notice their "self" and did
so in absence of a high degree of
outside sensation

and found it to be always changing
and described the usual experiental
world and life that we lived as the
illusion of maya

we descended from higher parts of
our minds with less outward
stimulation swaying our senses,
meaning our mind was not always
changing, over time, over day to
day life, over good or bad
experiences.

over life and death. the eternal self.

and there is a chance that you go
insane or the chance that you
become more experienced and
stable in the whole action of life,
when this energy is awoken, or
this world is seen for what it
truly is

I think I agreed to these terms
but they are hard to always accept
and subsequently remember. but its
either to die this way without a soul
having known my ideas (some authors
are never appreciated by their peers,
only some era later to be discovered to
have been appluadable), and not having
created any equal relationships or making
anything of my self in society or finding
out just where the bottom of the rabbit
hole is, proverbally, OR, finding everlasting
peace and creative power and knowledge of
self and awareness of the real world and
the ability to speak the language of nature
and not be pushed and pulled around by
this false world society has created in the
attempts of making everyones lives "better"

I have some things to develop
I must do them alone for some
time, because few can understand,
nor relate to or begin to
imagine the life of someone with
experiences of the possibly
premature awakening of the
spiritual energy described as
buddhist kundalini

i have found very few descriptions of
this idea. of spiritual awakening discussed
within the buddhist framework. even fewer
people who have experienced it *and* were
able to articulate it. and i've met one and maybe
a handful of people who have done the work and
simply shine and help and create and dance.

(the universe told me what to do,
sing, pray, dance, and meditate - then rest)

i find if i begin to believe that im
crazy and not provided for by the
intelligent living world around me and
above me, and my guides and spirits
that help me that i must help, i begin
to feel sicker and my life goals begin
to be limited and my opportunities
removed and my body and mind just
hurt

but if i believe that i have the ability to
one day find out true happiness for more
than a moment or more than a few months
yes for years and years, i feel like my life
has a deep purpose, to find out the origins
of this dream world i live in

i've had the opportunity to never
connect on a deep level with
anyone over my life that i can
agree on right now, that could
understand what changed over
my life and could help me, and
i've also had the pleasure of
keeping my imagination and
ability to sit around and dream
and play like a child.

ive also had the privelage of not taking
in too much regular culturization
and programming that inhibits
this true childishness

i also know something is wrong
and have litle faith in modern
psychology and psychiatry
approaches to this 'problem'
and 'disease' so what am i to
do?

i shall remain absolutely still.

(like as in fear? deer in headlights?
no as in man meditating in the mountains
and conserving and rebuilding energy
levels to heights normally unknowable)

four references:
the origins of western vs eastern psychology,
the four states of consciousness, the working
of the mind and general excersizes:
the mind and its mysterious control

one particularlly clear cosmological story
explaining society and its war against enlightenment
of the individual, its illusory nature:
the islanders

and the ever indepth and up to date
interpretation of the experience with
many positive findings, an entire
contempary book of one persons
findings:
The Biology of Kundalini

And of course, the ever useful book for the graduate student of spirituality:
George Jaidar - The Soul: An Owners Manual - Discovering the Life of Fullness.

I just finished reading it. And am in the process of typing it up, so that I
can share it online, at least a portion of it.

just a light worker.

miss sanchez: and i would run across a smokey, burning bridge, because behind me was nothing but fire

2007-09-03T06:52:00.000-07:00

running across a burning bridge from a fire towering higher

im really sorry. i didnt mean to say that, and didnt mean to upset you or even think
about me in that way, it confuses me that i would say it because i thought my
intentions were to make things better not worse but theres an obvious disconnection
only available in me for me to work out

maybe it has some reference to 'burning bridges' but im not as conscious of that as im talking to try and explain something that doesnt need to be explained .. maybe im
agitated

i hope your kids are really great and im sure they will be as you are a very
intelligent and responsible person.

did i create this world

2007-09-01T09:01:00.000-07:00

because i saw outside of me a girl
who was my other side
but we had been apart for so long that
we didn't recognize each other

though looking into her eyes
she had felt the absence
and we were seperated with purpose

so that we could know our selves
and each other

living (loving) in the mountains

2007-08-31T22:13:00.000-07:00

living in the mountains, the old man with the long beard
killed and grew his food
laughed at the jokes the sky told
and watched the bugs like his favorite tv show

while the old woman in the big house full of cats
tended her garden and read her books

if they had been successful throughout their life,
no one knew.
if they had found their purposes, no one knew.

the mechanics of an old (wo)mans mind:

theres more to life than coming in first
and theres more to life than winning

what would an old (wo)man do?
i dont think an old man would take chances.
i think an old man would take care of himself.
i think the old man would do things right, the
first time.
and an old (wo)man would conserve their
energy, and know where it goes, and what
was best for them.

"Its not like I'm going to become a
perfectionist instantly, I will need to work
toward this."

"I want to be able to keep my mind on what
I'm doing, and only that, I figure
that this is how you stop time."

layers

2007-08-31T22:09:00.000-07:00

layers built up and
placed onto selves
as to diminish their effect
effectivly lessening their splendor

through pain, and tragedy,
trauma and harm

self imposed and inflicted

who can remove their layers
and run naked in the sun
freely and at will

and say "i am my self"

And I run away ..

2007-08-31T18:17:00.000-07:00

and i run away ..

i run away to those things that bring comfort

(though i know its not true and will not last)

i run to those things that i can feel immediatly
and i know where i came from, and where i am going

(but not where i am, it has lesser importance..
though i wish to know)

and i know where you are though maybe my gentleness
has caught you off guard ..

and i spent years wandering with only a back pack
and a blanket in the bushes thinking i was from
another planet, i may still be seeking but i will
be until i find that concrete will and am able to
manifest it in my life ..

i know where i am going. though at a young age
i made decisions that affirmed i would be alone
on this travel, though i can only hope to share
it, for it is a very noble thing, the highest
that i wish to achieve ..

a dream. dreams that cannot be given.
only experienced.

and where were we? the midst of a long process whose outcome was uncertain,
for what reason? bondage or bonding? charity or to be charmed?

to be conscious.

it was worth it.

my eternal love

2007-08-31T04:48:00.000-07:00

looking up at the cloudy sky, feeling the wind and the cold
i send you my eternal love
love beyond words, beyond communication, beyond confusion, male/female relations, need/want, beyond attachment
if only for a second, i hope its enough to make you greater
i care not if this love is returned, in fact it rarely is
i hope you prosper and do well and find a place for the pain

remember, breathe deeply .. *smile*

eye to eye with myself

2007-08-29T23:37:00.000-07:00

you have hungry eyes
you want to see what i see
but now, all i see, is you
wanting to devour
everything, that i know

and then, the silence has passed
and you believed, that you would be
all alone
you loved yourself, and wanted
proof, that i existed

but, it was only a dream
that we would be together
your imagination had run wild
being confined as it were
and the coincidence of our meeting
was just that, and now the pain
must return

the pain that you saw
was the pain that i felt

but no matter how hard i try, i can't seem win this fight

waking up from a bad dream to an empty bed and a silence deafening
i reached for you but you were back in the dream
and i went to sleep wondering, what was real

this would be nice to hear in a females voice.
maybe the dream will stay in the dream world,
and the real world should stay unchanged by it.

happy saturn return to you

2007-08-20T01:52:00.000-07:00

i can't feel anything

(ok im being dramatic)

i cant feel a lot of things.

happy saturn return to you ...

soon i'll post my chart with a description, maybe one week, finish
it before canada ... until then, today there were quite a few transits.
i havent even look at all of the possible interactions, its awesome
really, this software .. imagine having to do this stuff *in dirt*
(mind fries) (more)

anyway of all the things i've written

the most important stuff

is simply got a date attached to it

yes its all important, the past

but one day we will get passed that

and simply write in the moment

without pens

simply speaking

its the greatest. inprov(idence).

so many rules and ways to metaphor.

its much better when you don't follow them.

they just follow you ...

elephants don't forget silly.

(and who remembered to write that down? maybe they just told
the story to their off-spring and ...)

freeeeeeeeee raaaaaiiiiiiinnnnnnnbooowwwwwwwwww hhhhhuuuuuugssss

lllllllooooooooovvvvvvvvvviiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnn yyyyyyoooooouuuuuuuuuu

wish you were here

so while reading something about .. this period of life, something in my chart suggests .. some sort of issues dealing with past pain, related to something near my heart, and regrets ..

well easily enough i regret a lot of things in my young life that i would like to .. what?
see the effects of? get over? understand? relate? express? i dont know but it began
shortly after a painful experience in 1985 where i suddenly began to notice my self ..

lots of regrets with women (which i am slowly overcoming) and the actions that i did
not take, but really its lead me here, which is where i shall be.

we dont really know who we need to be with.
(but. i dont like being so overly hopeful. charts seem promising. though.)
if i would just focus on them .. well back to this songs

contextless conceptualism

2007-08-19T21:27:00.000-07:00

Some things written on the treo, regarding NJS.

"Two people for triangulation"

"Some hide only what they cannot [wish to not] see,
and run away from themselves until
they run into themselves."

"this is my crutch for
not saying what I can [could]
the first time
so that I'm understood
but I will grow

Would you accept me?
for who I am
not who I will be
not who you want me to be

I am
this confusion
no one has cared to
know why it was so
not tried to make it so
so I have not either

I promise
I promise
that I will become the horizon
that place where god
touches us

will you trust that all I have
I will share and
that I really care
and that love does not exist
and grows old and dies
and that I would marry this thing
for what could become"

"Mirror mirror
I must decree
if you should take
reflection from me
and if I should fly
before I wake
I pray to you
my soul to make"

"All of the things that we required were within us.
It was natural that we should look with-out.

Why was this so is as of yet undetermined.
It shall be a fruitful search but will you look for the answer
inside? :-)

It was a sudden, and a slight, reversal of principals that had bought us here."

"The why .. honestly, truthfully, I don't trust me

I just wanted to say, and I'll keep this short not knowing what kind of
time/attention you have available that I remember how you were when you
were young, what little I provoked you to show, or you wanted me to see.

I am both confused and amazed at how you can push people away with
just a little bit of sugar. Enough. You uhaven't changed much in that manner. :-)

I like it. I wonder how .. who taught you that .. haha .. then we didn't have
words to express but over lifetimes since then we have developed vocabulary.
And other things.

I like more than anything the idea of 'you' in my mind. Which means I don't
neccessarilly need you. This idea has caused me to make a few changes in m
life, and makes me want to speed up this process, which is my salvation.

I havent slept for more than 1 1/2 hours at a time for 5 days now.
Everytime I start dreaming I wake up with racing thoughts. I just
realized this, though its been happening for 8 years. I'm looking
directly at it ..

So why did we meet up? I think it was being shown attention.
And I and you wrote and had "dreams". And I knew you before.
I guess I know you and don't need to know anymore. [missed things]
Its just funny, that you have so many words and x amount of intelligence,
but won't express yourself and can't .......

I bet if I was a woman you would have found time and we would have hung out.
If you were a guy we would have understood each other.
Why do I have problems around females? Why are you afraid of me. .. .

All of your decisions may not revolve around me but a lot of mine revolve
around you, plain and simple. I want to know why. I'm in NYC and there
are a lot of things to do but I want to see you. I need a friend. What do
you need? Time alone? Well .. Ok, sure.

I simply want to say that it was fun chasing your white rabbit down the
hole, and I will return to my self, that is my job and duty, for after this I
will really be able to connect with people and love them.

Taking you unseriously,
chadagain"

"At war within himself
Though she gave him the keys
He trashed the whole kingdom
And invited in thieves
He looked at the whores
With desirous eyes
And asked "What more?"
Counting the answers as lies

They were heirs to the heavens
They were a couple decided by birth
They were married by blood
And they were inseperable

But he raced to the throne
Leaving thoughts of her behind
He longed to be alone
But alone he would not feel fine

They quarreled and scuffled
Fought as if to the death
To kill one another
And to kiss in the next breath

A tradgedy written in stone
And everyone knew
What to do in their own case
But not what to do for these two

For they had their own answers to work on..."

-Some 160 char SMS things-

Minds on leashes dragging their humans around .. You are my
Master and I dispise you ..

Feeling better? I feel I'll be fighting forever to feel clever, writing or
singing? Those things are helpful to share

I land in your trap
A fly rubbing his hands together in anticipation of a good meal
And you close.

Poems racing through my mind like the A to the D line
But ending up right where they began

Through the pain an offer of a hand that would not break,
and eyes that would not blink ..

My eyes could not lie
I hope you find someone to trust
And in him see what was always in you but lost

Eating alone, wrote several poems that weren't quite happy,
saw a mirror and it broke"

"I wanted to say ...

I wanted to write
I wanted to feel, proper in my
approach
But I wanted to hear you laugh
and be happy and comfortable
To know that you were safe and
secure in your self
Not the Nelly comfort

We did so many things to be
comfortable
And to feel loved

I wished you to know
That I would step out of my
comfort, for this
My safety was of lesser concern
For yours.

Know that these things would pass
These pains, these problems
And that we would see the sun
In a way so beautiful, unseen before
By eyes unblemished, and vision
stronger

I wanted to tell you that our dreams
Of who we would be, were clearer
Than of who we remembered
ourselves to be, and that these
dreams should guide us, no matter
how real we seemed.

The fear would be gone, and
the pain too

Only we would stand,
taller than we ever could have
imagined."

More SMS bite sized ..

Compassion - see through her eyes and acknowledge them
[... keep I-ing]

While "typing" my eyes are moving, and my face shows my thoughts, too
immediate responses are lost in translation ..

got disconnected. feel like chatting?
trying to be precise. i dont know what to do.
i wrote a poem about you, and about me

"

And from just now:

Mami you're not crazy, you're just like everyone else
You just look at yourself differently

driving .. and he turns back

2007-08-19T11:35:00.000-07:00

Set in the places of Senior Trip.
(in the beginning I wondered if the smart arien stoner kid got with the
prude smart virgo girl ..)

This was totally random.

So they are driving down a thelma and louis road, in a convertable, and they
pass a sign that marks the name of the town they are leaving.
(Maaaan I want to increase recall .. been writing them down .. but to no avail..)

She begins to feed him hotdogs while he drives and they chat.
She asks him something .. I forgot! Either about his dreams .. or
something he is obviously afraid of .. and he begins to look freaked
out, either devours or tosses the hotdog (she gets another and begins
attempting to feed it to him) and flips the car around, complaining about
having forgotten "xxx", something seemingly trivial. Then I see the sign
that says "9 miles to xxx"

He seemed to be making some excuse. It was odd she was paying
attention to him. He was driving. Middle of nowhere. Hmm ...

she told me before, baby do your own dance .. stay off the highway ...

and if you reach, a dead end trail, pray to god, it never fails,
we've all walked, in each others shoes, so you don't have to, sing the blues ...

He was flying high in the sky, and needed grounding;
She was highly grounded, and wished to go higher ..

I am a permanent traveler.
I am lost.
No one seems to notice that I am gone.

Healers that haven't been forced to heal themselves, distrusting
Healing themselves, then healing others..

Screw this .. I'm going to Canada

2007-08-18T22:48:00.000-07:00

Like it'll be any better there ... but at least we'll keep it moving.

National Lampoons .. Senior Trip ..

Me and my schizo friend talk through movies. Its pretty neat.

Power complexes .. ignorant leaders .. had to lead the self ..

If it ain't broke, maybe she don't, wan't to go .. to the self sovereignty ..

We had to destroy our minds to get off of the radar .. get out of the loop ..

Get off of the concrete .. bare feet in the earth ...

They took our eyes when we left our minds behind but

We knew where we were going.

We're still heading in the right direction.

Funny, some people did not know hot to breathe right,
Did not drink enough water, did not sleep properly,
Did not eat right, but still could cast off that .. aire ..

Of being right.

We knew what was right, well, we waited for a leader,
but we knew that these werent ours, were not of our own kind,
but we also knew that it wasn't all "real" either.

Oh healing ...

We see it everyday, in the train station ..
left, right, left, right ..
We don't talk to each other now ..
Such an alien nation ..

A healer told me that the years of 28-30 were the years that
she would get closer to her work, its a cycle I've noticed in others,
and well ... I can't keep wandering around in this dying garden forever
now can I ...

Oh myth was such wonderful metaphor .. "philosophy" .. LOL, more like
the history of consciousness ..

Well only time would tell.

Can't expect someone to see me if I can't see my self
(look in the mirror, he keep disappearing ..)..

Ok this was just the life we lived in our dreams but those people
were part of us too and this was an important part of the truth ..

And desire wasn't true, will was misused, all that rebelled did it
for a reason and we'll learn that in the future .. well, those that
didn't already know.

I'm sorry I can't focus I lost my mind in the great war of 2000
(err, the war of 1999..)
and have been trying to get out of this POW camp since then ..

Oh you know I'll find my self though

The revolution won't be out there

It'll be in here

Oh, thats next week, and we'll have the number one Guitar Hero player in the _world_ riding on my bus!

Be back soon (well, I guess). Thats the world series of video games .. oh wish I had my quake skills again.

shaman doctor irc snippet

2007-08-17T15:02:00.004-07:00

[chad] I mean beings in the world
[chad] Yogi's, Teachers, Guides
[chad] People who radiate love
[chad] And of which you have no doubt have a definite connection to the world
[chad] Who have less ego than most
[chad] Who have worked for this connection, and can tell you how they obtained it
[chad] (they often say fasting/meditation/self deprivation/scriptural study)
[Starseed] dont know any people like that
* chad knows many.
[chad] It is why I am on my current path. They have guided me.
[Sugarcoated:psychicreadings] where has it gonnneeeee?
[Starseed] a guide would be nice
[Starseed] but maybe i can figure it out alone
[chad] Though there are so many people to guide that they often cannot be beside you all of the time
[chad] Star, you can think that for as long as you want, but as you get older you will see that you've been being guided all along
[chad] And that you will want more concrete guidance on things that you are only dimly aware of
[chad] Its like having a broken computer and trying to fix it with all types of things, using forums, irc, buying books
[chad] then a guy just comes over, hits 3 keys, and your box is fixed.
[chad] They do that
[Starseed] wow
[chad] with your soul
[chad] if you are ready for the computer to even be working in the first place.

halo miss nelly

2007-08-17T15:02:00.003-07:00

How are you? Getting better I'll assume.
(This is like a one way conversation, I'll fill
in your responses)

I'm staying 2 hours north of the city, in a town named Millerton, which is part of the town called North East.
I've been "guarding the couch" of a friend named Devon I met online when I was 19, and we've been talking back and forth for several years. Then when I was in North Carolina I decided to message him to find out that he lived here .. so we've been hanging out since :)

Hes kind of messy. So I've been cleaning up and throwing out all types of ancient dangerous food. He works on computers all day, makes decent money (gave me his old laptop .. :O), comes home and either plays video games (guitar hero 2) or gets on his computer and talks to his new girlfriend who is in Las Vegas. They knew each other from high school and recently met up and began dating. Or something like that.

So you just got on AIM. I'll send this if you want something to read. :) I don't know what you want or how to communicate fully with you, but if you must know, all of my life has been an uphill journey with few roadmarks and signs, so you intrigue me greatly. :D

I wish I had an easier time in my life. Its been pretty unforgiving. I never know if what I'm doing is right or not. Occasionally I get some praise for something I did that was really good. Not enough though.

Sometimes I'm really excitable. You may have heard me like that on the phone before; I have a hard time being mindfull in my speech and I know that bothers you; it has its pluses and minuses: my imrovisation seems to come when I can totally withdraw my self from my speaking ability, not being fully conscious of it.

Sometimes I say things that aren't on my conscious mind, that are from my subconscious, and then I use that to lead myself to what I can say next. Umm, sometimes I just say stupid stuff. :X So I don't really like it always. Being mindfull has always been a goal, but since I was young, I could feel my energy going out of my entire self, refusing to be focused, and I have too little discipline, but something drives me .. something great, I'd like to say. I have plans on fixing these things in me. I just don't seem to always *want* to do it, and would rather follow my desires and emotional wants. I know they arent the best compass though. I found a good compass ..

Anyway. I don't know if you look at astrology. Its interesting to me. I just made a semi-accurate chart for my self. Supposedly an aries/virgo relationship is difficult. If you have emotions that you can't .. do anything with? (for lack of better lucidity on the subject) I understand. Mine are overwhelming when I get attention from some women. I don't know why. Anyway.

I like to talk a lot, heh. I like to be very calm and relaxed and aware of my surroundings too. I think its my diet. I've been unable to figure out exactly whats been going on with me for a long time. And no one has noticed that I wasn't here. Its kind of saddening but lots of good things have come from it too.

I'll message you. Take care. I have questions about you.
I'm not sure you'd respond? A lot of people have a hard time trusting me, maybe because I find it hard to trust my self when its always changing. But I have stopped the changing regardless of what the doctors have said. Its just very, very hard. I think if I figured it out I could help a lot of people out of this maze. I see lots of people trapped like I am.

Anyway. You take care strong woman. If you want to work out our different forms of communication I'd be pleased to put my effort into it.

tarot with lil**

2007-08-17T15:02:00.002-07:00

-:- terbo [~terbo@pool-71-189-174-23.lsanca.fios.verizon.net] has joined tarot
-:- Topic (tarot): COTD: Ace of Wands, Temprance, and King of Cups
-:- Topic (tarot): set by belter!belter@obta.net at Tue Aug 14 18:08:08 2007
-:- [Users(tarot:4)]
[ terbo ] [@lil** ] [@napalm` ] [@belter ]
-:- Channel tarot was created at Tue Jul 19 12:44:15 2005
-:- BitchX: Join to tarot was synched in 0.100 secs!!
tarot terbo H ~terbo@pool-71-189-174-23.lsanca.fios.verizon.net (perfection through infinite possibliities)
tarot lil** H@ lil**@207-207-84-17.ip.theriver.com (lil**)
tarot napalm` H@ ~sodium@pool-71-112-153-58.sttlwa.dsl-w.verizon.net (sodium hydroxide)
tarot belter H@ belter@obta.net (ellegua)
[terbo] the card of the day is the card of yesterday?
[lil**] i haven't pulled any so far today
[lil**] hang on and i'll change them
[terbo] ;p
-:- Topic (tarot): changed by lil**: COTDs: Heirophant, 9 Cups, Knight of Cups
[lil**] so you going to read them?
[terbo] hmmm .. online or something?
[terbo] I don't own a set, dont think I shall ever
* terbo searches
[lil**] i just got you 3 cards least you could do is read them :P
[terbo] I thought they were general cards :P I didn't know they were specifically for me :)
* terbo is kind of down/out of it at the moment
[lil**] they are for whomever wants them - if you are down and out take them its pretty good
* terbo writes out what hes afreid of
* terbo runs out of ink, goes to the store to buy another pack of pens

I wrote:

I'm afraid I'll always be wandering alone and unable to express myself.
I'm afraid that this woman I've found doesn't want to be with me, or I
have not done enough, or the right thing, or the wrong things .. or shes
playing with me, or wont decide until i've left for CA and started doing
drugs again ...

[lil**] lol
[lil**] you have a computer right there just type it out
* terbo actually hasn't used a pen in years, avoids the things
[terbo] just making jokes to cover up my easy distractedness, i forgot what i was doing
[lil**] i like to draw with them
[terbo] ya .. i havnt drawn in years either, seems like my mind usually gets in the way
[lil**] throw it out
* terbo wishes
[lil**] well sit on your hands then and be miserable
[terbo] ;p
[terbo] being miserable seems to be part of the plan sometimes
* terbo is still reading the card's explanation
[lil**] your choice
[terbo] Either give up that which you fear to lose so it no longer holds any power over you, or consider what you will still have if your fear comes to
pass.
[terbo] Hmm. That doesn't seem to work in my case.
* terbo keeps reedin
* terbo wonders
[terbo] I read a daily astrology reading today that was pretty eery. Been reading eery daily readings for a while .. ;..
[terbo] regarding an aries and a virgo ..
[terbo] Me and her were talking about her asking for help; she broke her foot and is having a hard time getting around the house and doing things, and will
be recovering for a few months
[terbo] Yesterday; then today I read on astro.com, mine was 'someone will ask you for help' and hers 'you will be having company'
[terbo] its been doing that for a couple of months now. ;..
[lil**] doesn't sound like it is working very well
[terbo] no I'm just down at the moment ;p
[lil**] just want to spread it around some? i'd prefer not to go to the down place thanks very much
[terbo] hehe, no I'm smiling, really all of this stuff is pretty good
[terbo] I'm just impatient I guess :)
[terbo] and shes very patient
[lil**] welcome to the crowd
[lil**] sometimes there is no choice but to have patience
[terbo] Oh I understand. There are just concrete reasons why I'm not patient :)
* terbo wonders if you follow astrology
[lil**] i used to do charts but haven't in years
[terbo] I just read about it, the similarities its description of personalities is interesting
[lil**] just sun sign is too general it takes more to get anything really accurate
[terbo] yea, I notice certain people get along right off the bat, certain people have conflicts that seem predetermine
[terbo] so a card about fear, a card about wishes, and a card about a romantic knight
[terbo] ?
[lil**] your first reading was a good one - release that which you fear and be happy what you want is coming to you - or alternatively - if you take the
proper path in joy you will get the invitation you are waiting for
[belter] groovi
[lil**] hi belter
[lil**] so why must you be so patient and have you told her how difficult it is being for you (sometimes troubles shared are troubles lessened)
[terbo] well. i live 3000 miles from here; i drove; and i'll have to go back soon, i'm just staying with friends
* terbo wonders if he can even picture the entire story correctly ;p
[lil**] that's pretty good so far
[lil**] so you are where she is now and you are sulking?
[terbo] plus i usually sedate myself, stopped to be around her, but last time i stopped i had to fast - i couldnt fast so i'm pretty variable at the moment,
for the past month
[terbo] well. i'm north of new york city, she lives there, we went to grade school there
* terbo donno, hes learned a lot since we began talking, thats pretty useful
[terbo] like i shouldn't stop sedating myself unless i can fast for a week or more :P
[lil**] sounds like you have gone a bit off the deep end
* terbo LIVES underwater
[lil**] why the need for sedation or starvation?
[terbo] umm, i'm diagnosed, but never taken medication, been working on my self, and found some interesting things out
[terbo] like that having something thats supposed to "never" go away, having cured it on my own, and disbelieving what most people say/experience
[terbo] fasting fixed it basically ;p and a radical diet, at least for some period of time, which i never experienced before - balance
[terbo] i began to write after some of those experiences, every day, pages and pages
[lil**] a proper diet is crucial to helping self but what's up with the fasting sedation thing?
[terbo] well i've had a pretty ok diet since i stopped. thing is, last time i stopped i was so depressed i starved for a week, and after that, just ended up
being balanced.
* terbo has only been writing about these things for several years now - sorry if I can't conclude them on command ;p
[lil**] no biggie you don't owe me any explanation
[terbo] and I've found few people who actually comprehend them :) shes smart though. but I don't know, I wasn't attracted to /her/ per-se, but more there
began to be signs around when I met her
[terbo] she was the 3rd woman that these signs pointed to, and then they stopped. so I kind of thought, hmm, interesting
[lil**] what sort of signs?
[terbo] well. honestly, I don't get attracted to women very often
[terbo] maybe it was more inside of me. the signs, and I saw one woman, and began to speak with her about a relationship
[lil**] may i ask what the diagnosis was?
[terbo] umm, I think it was bi-polar, or whatever it is this year
[terbo] but thats such an understatement, I don't follow psychology
* terbo has researched schizophrenia/mystical experience for several years
[lil**] ok i understand better now -
[lil**] bi-polar isn't schizophrenia
[terbo] yea
[lil**] are you psychotic or just have mystical abilities
[belter] this is self defeating, There's a national chain called crispers. and they are evil incarite... they make mini cookies... and i'm playing a shooter
game... and the only time i can grab a cookie is when i die and the game loads
[terbo] does it cost money to die? hehe
[terbo] lil**, a little bit of both.
[lil**] belter that sounds evil
[lil**] can you tell which bit is which?
[terbo] i'm often not in a shared reality with others. makes it hard to connect with a lot of people, though when I try and "come" down to where they are, I
find it trivial and artificial
[lil**] can you tell which bit is which?
[terbo] I don't try and guess whats on peoples minds or levitate objects. I mainly deal with intuition or, information..
[terbo] I don't know if I can even answer that
[lil**] its sort of important
[terbo] ok let me try
[lil**] if you can tell what is pure intuition and what is imagination then you aren't really ill just other abled
* terbo doesn't know if at this moment he can really understan
[terbo] :X
[terbo] how about I take a walk, thanks for talking with me, I have a small circle of friends and we talk about this stuff a lot of the time on irc
* terbo heads to the store to feel 'convienent'
[lil**] ok ttyl
[terbo] well. I've been fighting with not smoking for a while. decided against it. lol. I'm not sure what kind of answer you're looking for
[terbo] like a specific experience?
[terbo] As far as intuition, I often feel lead to certain things, places, and to meet certain people
[terbo] Imagination, umm, this relationship between me and her is imagination, I'm trying to make it come true
.----------------------------------------- -- -
| lil** (lil**@207-207-84-17.ip.theriver.com) (Commercial)
: ircname : lil**
| channels : @tarot @art
| server : irc.blackened.com (wannabe: drama free zone)
: idle : 0 hours 3 mins 41 secs (signon: Wed Aug 15 09:38:06 2007)
[lil**] how does she feel about it real world
[terbo] we don't talk about it much. she says she wants a friend, but makes gestures otherwise, and is really critical of my words often which is hard
because I let them flow very easily
[terbo] though she doesn't tell me to stop. or not to think about her in that manner.
[lil**] well if you can't be patient then you need to ask her flat out if she would consider a relationship with you
[terbo] BTW 85% of the people I talk to about whats going on between us say shes not the right girl for me :P
[lil**] what do you care what other folks say
[terbo] Well. I think that would force her to make up her mind. I don't think she has, or shes confused
[lil**] its between you and her
[terbo] lil**: I take a little bit of it, but really, I'm very interested in her and its possible that we could learn very much from each other
[terbo] either in a relationship or not, even being friends, but she has few friends and is a pretty private person
[lil**] so perhaps you should just enjoy it for what it is and where it is at right now
[terbo] except she doesn't share any of her writing :| I got her to share some of it though
[lil**] she'll share when she is ready
[terbo] yea. ya know if I had something to do other than sit on irc and surf the web I'd probaly not be impatient. lo.
[lil**] well get something else to do
* terbo hasn't had anything to do for many years, a decade
[terbo] Recorded a song two weeks ago. heh.
[lil**] you need something to work at
[terbo] yea. I kind of do work at stuff, I just don't/can't put a majority of my energy into it
[terbo] when I was balanced though. it seemed I had lots more control over my energy.
[terbo] I read this web site today. This woman had IBS since she was 8 years old, found out what it was when she was in her 20's, took the pills, they
helped slightly and had side effects
[terbo] then in her 40's discovered raw food and the symptoms disappeared in a week.
[terbo] Thats sort of how my life was.
[terbo] /is
[lil**] many folks could share that experience if they could take control of themselves
[terbo] Yes, the internet is nice for reading about peoples self published experiences
[terbo] but this taking control thing. its an interesting phenomon.
[lil**] it can be
[terbo] Soon. I'm young yet! I'll take small steps. I plan on having more awakenings in the future.
[lil**] decipline is worth learning
[terbo] Yea, I've had interesting experiences without it
[terbo] That point to it as being the next step.
[terbo] its a good word to have in a vocabulary though. hehe.
[lil**] exactly
[terbo] So what are _you_ doing tonight? :)-
[lil**] not much just a quiet night at home - watch a movie sleep talk to friends
[terbo] ya, I have the fountain somewhere, someone said it was intruiging
[lil**] dunno yet
[terbo] ah looks like something based in the past, mystical stuff or something
[terbo] What type of movies do you like?
[lil**] bland ones
[lil**] chick flicks
[terbo] :)
[terbo] ever seen .. little miss sunshine?
[lil**] yes that was cute
[lil**] gross but cute
[terbo] gross, ;) yea I guess
[lil**] my eyes are burning i need to take a break - i'll bbiaw
[terbo] ok take care
* terbo goes :O

three dreams revolving around nelly

2007-08-17T15:02:00.000-07:00

I end up at a place, which seems like its near a peir, and an expensive resturaunt, which I get the
idea is called The Bellagio. I also somehow know it costs at least $40 a plate. I walk into there,
am warmly greeted, and asked for my name. I write it down, and then think, maybe Nelly would like
to join me.. then I realise that I've forgotten both my wallet and my phone, so I say I will return,
as they ask "are you sure?" and I go "yes, yes".

Then I am at Nelly's house. I am inside, and there are several people, young kids, older people,
people our age. For some reason I bring my laptop up. Nelly is her big self, happy and jovial,
but obviously excited by all of the company, and at one point I remember looking into her eyes
and it didn't seem to register to her.

I remember leaving for some reason. Then I begin to wonder, where does she live? (Funny because I went
there ..) and I look at the numbers on the front of the apartment, and one is 777, which excites me, then
I notice that there are two more, one 4 something, and one 5 something.

I go back upstairs, and somehow what I do gets called up, and Nelly answers for me, and says something ..
I think I said I spend most of my time on the internet, right now. SOme kid remarks that I probaly have a
lot of .. something. To which I reply, I'm a graphic designer, poet and writer. Bitch! I didn't like the
last part. As I am going to leave I guess I have no shoes, or can't find mine, and Nelly gives me hers.
They are slightly smaller than mine, and instead of blue/silver are white/red. She says to get some
without bridges, when I notice that my toes are slightly crunched.

After I leave I notice that I have no shoes again. I pass a car and ponder sleeping in it, I wonder where
my car was.

The other 2 are on my other laptop, will get the AC later.

sycron-eyes

2007-08-17T14:49:00.002-07:00

seperated by words
part of me thought it silly
part of me didnt think about it at all

and im still not thinking
she was the greatest thing that ever existed
and took the greatest pains to resist it
how .. may i show the ways

well ... syncron-eyes later

psychotic

2007-08-17T14:49:00.001-07:00

So its nice to say, when you don't have the knowledge, language, or true experiences (really, they must
show themselves to you) about the unknown, to discount others, or even group fruadulent people (seekers
of money/fame/greed) into groups with other people who won't communicate their experiences so well.

Anyway my experiences began when I was 5. Shortly after my mother passed I felt her presence in my room,
and a touch on my shoulder as I was trying to go to sleep. It was slightly starteling, but did not have
its intended comforting effect.

22 years later, my grandmother is telling me about the time when my mother passed, and tells me of having
the same experience, very shortly after her daughter passed.

I do not remember ever telling her about my experience; for the longest time I thought I was hallucinating or
possibly crazy, but after hearing her tell me she had the same experience, and after having my mother come
into my dreams once (that I remember, since I have removed my dreams for several years), and my great grandmother
come into my dreams, and into my grandmothers dreams to give her a *winning* lottery number worth several
thousand dollars, I am sure that the form of reality we inhabit is just plain not what they say it is.
I mean, more than sure, =D

Western psychology has no explanation for psychic phenomena, or really anything that fits outside of their
very limited view of the mind and its functioning (to learn about the mind, discover buddhism, and then try
it for yourself.) They were sort of developed using diametrically opposing methods, so I can't say that
either is totally wrong, but where I live it seems no one has compassion or self-awareness, and mindfullness,
so I have to think that the east takes it on this one. Yet again ...

So I'm psychotic. That means I should be left alone, right? No, it means that I have a hard time expressing
why my experience is so different than most others, why I am super creative, how I can live with quite a
bit of money and never have to work or steal or fraud people .. but it seems I am destined to be alone, with
only superficial friends that I have to bring up, otherwise they subconsciously seek to bring me down, and
those that can bring me up I seem to flee from, or they seem to not think I am worthy ..

I don't know I am in a transitory process. Being in New York City really doesn't help. For another woman
who is just going to abuse me again. Hooray Karma, I'm going back to Cali soon.

care / nelly

2007-08-17T14:49:00.000-07:00

It was not always pleasant, the process of growing
but if you were able to look back and see that you
had grown over that period of time, then you could
see that it had been worth it

Nelly have you had any experiences of growth
since we began communicating again? I don't
know about yourself. I have. With you in mind
I have made some changes in my life that seemed
impossible alone, with only the idea of you behind me,
a union to grow in..

I'm not always sure if two people can grow together.
There are lots of ups and downs and realizations
that cause emotional pains ... but as I said when
we first began speaking I am ready my self to grow
and wished to do it in an intimate relationship with
one person, but if it is not now your time to grow
and reflect on all of the experiences that have built
you and release a lot of the negative things and
share the positive things .. then I must respect that.

I would love to take care of you Nelly. Its in my
personality, I wish to care for others, but if you
don't accept my care I will not be hurt. I myself
have built up defenses, and I guess they have
taken on the form of being irresponsible and mindless
and generally weird, unsociable .. I dont know I
have let my hair grow and have not changed it much.

I wish to change. I think you are a wonderful woman.
Beneath all of the layers accumulated, beyond all of
the dreams and the inspirations for them, I believe
you need to express yourself, and feel free, and be
comfortable, a certain comfort ... I wish I could
offer that to you.

Anyway those are some ramblings. I pray that your time
goes quickly and your experience of pain is lessened and
that you recover fully and grow stronger. I trust that
you will.

an order of apologies

2007-08-17T11:49:00.000-07:00

an order of apologies: half man, heart of child; given in the past, accepted somethings. then, wanting to ask, everything? the eyes. sorry, the confusion, thanks, drawing me here, had a great time, may leave very soon, hope didnt break phone, wonder why messaged me the last

Write to Sleep

2007-07-22T23:27:00.001-07:00

Write to sleep
2:04 AM 7/23/2007

Today me and Devon hung out and played music at a boat launch by the river.
I had my DJX and he had his electric guitar. He's been playing for several
years but has never gotten "good enough" for him to see his self as good.
We still had a lot of fun. We plugged the devices into his M-Audio sound
adapter, which plugged into my car, and had good sound for all to hear.
We also recorded it and took a couple of short videos.

I can't sleep, even though the other night I stayed up for 35+ hours and
went to sleep half drunk. Before that drunkeness, I was drunk and ate a
meal of rice and sprouts and regained some sobriety. I woke up pretty
tired but was urged out of bed by my companion.

Some of the thoughts that are circulating in my tired but restless mind
concern digestive problems, western societies trap, and apparently failed
romancess.

I had a good talk with "mbird" on IRC about digestion. I read a document
(on del.icio.us under schizophrenia and digestion) that spoke of eastern
medicinal approaches to schizophrenia, found as the first result in the
google search "eastern medicine schizophrenia". It stated that out of 400
people who took a certain concoction better than %90 of them had relieved
symptoms. Since the idea of schizophrenia is still debated and its definition
widely variable, I have my doubts; however it rang true as I have had my
own personal experiences with poor digestion and my mental clarity.

Twice in my life I have felt like my self for extended periods lasting as
long as 3 months. These experiences were precluded by fasting and alterations
in my dietary habits.

I do not know for sure but it seems as though western medicine does not treat
properly digestion problems. So many people eat improperly and overstress
themselves that doctors would be overwhelmed if they did. Besides, they would
most likely have some pharmaceutical method of dealing with an anomoly caused
by over-consumption; how ironicly sinister.

Western Society is a trap. I do not mean this in a bad way; more so it is a trap
in which only the strongest will escape from; only those who can see its trappings
and elevate themselves above it will be allowed to properly move on. Enlightenment
is not a far fetched idea it is an improperly related idea and I have experienced
it. It is why I am alive today, for if I knew that my life were to always be not
under my control and my suffering feeling so real I would have allowed more
serious mental discussion of self termination.

Speaking of life I wonder if these woman will ever leave my mind alone. I allow
it I confess but is it them and their affection that I want or is it a pointer
to my own childhood that begs for resolution? I cannot determine but I have not
put forth definite effort towards the latter idea so I am still in disagreement
with my senses. However strong they are.

i cant stop writing

2007-07-22T11:58:00.000-07:00

5:37 AM 7/22/2007
I just can't stop writing.

The last few weeks have seemed pretty intense to me.
The last couple of months have been quite surreal.
The year up until now has been different than any other year, of course though ..
Last night was a dream and as usual I have an embedded fear of waking up.

I don't even know where to start.
But it is time to get a camera and many terror bytes. There is much bandwidth
available now, and storage and documentation shall commence.

The Bhavagita audio book from krishna.com is playing just low enough to hear.
This is the first inscription on my new laptop, forgetparadox. Devon rules.
I met him when I was living in Oakland, at age 19, the year that I first
noticed my insanity, and began questioning my world view, and first ingested
psychedelics. We've talked over the internet from various continents and states,
and we got to meet face to face for the first time yesterday. I drove 12 hours
non-stop from north carolina to new york, just a few steps from [the keyboard
just became uncomfortable .. and I had to jack one] conneticut.

He is reconnecting with a girl he has thought about since high school. It is
nice to watch. They are talking about being together when they die and all sorts
of other romantic things. They've been on the phone for the past few hours. He
even called her and handed me the phone and coerced me to talk about my many
romantic failings. A life long pursuit.

A handicapped gay kid has been hitting on me from australia. IRC has been fun.
I've been pondering getting another passport and going to see a kid in canada
who has interesting psychic and psychotic experiences. Outside is one form of
social interaction, and IRc is another, face to face doesn't seem to always be
the same when your eyes are jaded. I wonder if second life will run here ...

[fell asleep/passed out] Woke not remembering my dreams, though I know I had
experiences between sleeping and waking. I wonder why Devon and Sabrina have
such a connection, it seems psychic, spiritual, friendly, and beyond .. I meet
Devon and we strike up a good relation but with a female there seems to be so
much more involved .. oh, emotion. Why? I guess psychology.

We start to hang out and my eating habits rub off on him. I've also been trying
to help him keep his place a little cleaner. :) Remember dreams. He seems to be
worried about a soul-connection that seems so genuine. I wonder why; he keeps
asking me for 'philosophical' advice. It has to be related to insecurity. I had
the same thing. They are communicating a lot, but what is being unsaid? Hmm.
Dreams probaly know all but the greatest psychics will charge for.

I think I started writing to organize my thoughts. I don't want to put forth
effort for certain things in my life, organization being one of them. And also to
express my self better. Neither seem to have worked ... ;x

I wondered why I was attracted to certain people in my childhood. It could have
been because we posessed certain things that would grow into things that we would
need in the future. One girl, I would later be attracted to her creative mind.

Well you can't look behind you when you are on stage. I saw this on the Dave Chappelle
show. The one with fear factor and the crack head. It was hilarious. :)

Fung Shui. I don't do it with my mind. But I feel the need in the world around me.
We seem to use intellect for too many things. Lots of things need organizing and
proper placement for fullest energetic benefit. The spirit guides in heavenly ways.

de liber ate con cise in un dation (NJS)

2007-07-18T00:46:00.000-07:00

I'm regretfull for my words, they cause
things to change, for the worse and for the better.

I am not adjusted to society. Its why I live outside. [of it]
This morning our conversations went through my head,
in a fashion similar to how a life flashes before
someones eyes when they believe they are near death.

I guess I thought that if we were able to speak
face to face you could see how I am, that I am not
really well, and could adjust your perspective of me
to take account for that. I havent been intoxicated
for weeks yet I still am pretty variable; the last
time I did that I fasted and ate extremely well,
but this time I was unable to do that "due to my
grandmothers influence"; its actually a very hard
thing to do, to stop eating or to eat with only
your intestines in mind.

For instance, when I told you to tell me more
things that would make me not like you, that was
not a good response. I wasn't sensitive to your
feelings then, and I'm sorry. I feel like I have
to say a lot of things and sometimes I can't remind
myself that they may affect someones feelings.

I've "decided" to stop writing; I would rather improvise,
and working on my speech and thoughts is how it will be
done. I'm not working class and I thought you shouldn't
be either, but maybe I'm wrong. I was amazed when I saw
how you grew up.

I like that you posted your recent picture online.
I don't know how to express what I feel when I see it
because I think that you are sensitive to how people
see you, but I am glad that you did it.

Maybe I didn't want to go to the reunion because I knew
how they would see me, as crazy, and would not return the
joy that I had experienced from the work that I've done
to get to this point. I guess that you may have felt the
same way.

I'm writing this just to close the thoughts in my mind
though I know that they will never cease. My problem is
not that I never get time to my self, it is that no one
sees my creations as anything but some art to be placed
by all other art that they cannot comprehend. Like when
I "wrote" (quoted because I was kind of .. in a state)
you those three poems. You had one word for them, "angry".

Another friend read them, and so quickly and without retort
that I knew that he could not feel their depth. You, you
channeled your anger and put it into that poem, and I felt
it, to much so, and it caused me to write those. You spoke
magic at that time, not anything else, but you yourself were
unable to hear it and may never know its power. Many people
speak magic; the problem is that it is often created with
improper intention and therefor it never has the right effect.

You should have gone to that open-mic and if I were there we
would have. Its one of my goals too.

I hope that you and Kewscha have a good time with that plan,
but a family is a woman and a man and you have found that
person who would go through hell to create heaven but I have
not received enough signs indicating that you too would endure
that pain in order to attain that pleasure. Maybe you haven't
received the same signs yourself.

Society is not real; it is a false contrivance. It is addictive,
continually seeking success just for the satisfaction, needing
things out of want, and needing until you can't get any more.
You will need all of your life, but they will tell you what
you need, and will hook you to the ideas that they plant in
your mind.

If you don't have time to create for your self then the time
is slipping away. I will stop creating until I burst, who knows
how long it will be. Maybe I thought I needed you to create;
maybe I wanted someone to comfort and to comfort me. To teach
and to learn from.

Your point that I showed up with no forewarning was taken; I
feel as if you cannot say "NO" and simply tell me that I have
hurt your feelings or am thinking only of my self or not of
who you really are. I bet a lot of people try and hit on you
and you seem to have placed me in a slot with them; to be
glanced over and nothing more.

I don't know whats real. I have concrete plans to figure this
out, and not settle for anything less. I thought that you
were a really beautiful person, someone who wouldn't hold
back their thoughts whether good or bad. Yes, I have something
to express to you that bad, and all of these words merely point
at them. I have something to express to someone that would listen
open-heartedly so bad. But its been so long that I wonder if its
even worth trying anymore.

When we first began speaking I thought that you were very beautiful.
I don't know what changed. You seemed to be asking for a close friend
to share with and then you have two jobs and classes and everyone is
begging for your time. Well, I travelled the whole way, maybe you
should have just met me somewhere in the middle of the country and
it would have been even.

Creativity is beautiful but it must be respected. It can provide for
any type of lifestyle depending on what lengths you are willing to go
for; it has a price. When I first heard your voice, on your voicemail,
I could tell that you were "pushed". Not calm in your mind. Your words
come out too fast. There is no, deliberation, it is not concise, and
your mind seems to be not concentrated on your speech.

When you connect your heart, your mind, and your speech, magic happens.
I guess that the death that I imagined was brought on by the fact that
I have to leave here very soon. It is not a good place here, I am
pondering visiting a friend in Millerton, NY, but I mostly want to
be alone. This dysfunction in communication is driving me up the walls,
not being able to say what I think and thinking I can't say what I mean.
And listen. Its hard to listen when you're always thinking. No, you're
not meant to live inside of your head, no matter what you think and no
matter what others tell you, you are meant to have a clear mind, for it
is infinitally more creative, and there are ways to do that.

Innundation of words from a person who can read half of a page in a minute?
I can type a paragraph in a minute, so it sounded lovely. I am off now,
sorry for thinking that because we knew each other in the past that you
would think that I was something. I thought you were something. I could
never tell you what I saw in you because our conversation always seemed
strained, and if you knew me it was only a half knowing because you wouldnt
or couldn't relate that to me.

Any way. I want to wish you a good day. And a great life. And much success,
though for what its worth only we will see on our death beds when we are too
tired to carry on. If you actually feel the need to respond simply call me,
I'm over the subtle mind games myspace has embedded in its advertising.

My mom, my lover, my friend, my sister, the song goes, I wonder why
you were pushed to the point that you thought you couldn't take no more,
last night was aweful, I'm just a simple man, and with no where to focus
this love it feels as if its just too much. Maybe tommorow I'll feel
different, and I don't like making decisions under the influence of
anxiety and anger, but maybe you'll see that and we can talk in the future.

Signing off,

Some guy.

questions ...

2007-07-16T06:39:00.000-07:00

everybody has them, but sometimes they get answered as they are asked

responsibility is lost and a one way road becomes a highway

neigh, walking those ways are for the least skilled in following directions

giving up

2007-07-14T20:44:00.000-07:00

they all tried, to get to one place
at the same time, without regard for
you shouldnt be left behind.

they all failed, and who told them
to try, try, try again ..

those .. hard headed .. deaf and blind ..
to the ways of the old .. just wanted
something a new.

Getting Higher - Re: spirit allies/drug use

2007-07-05T23:31:00.000-07:00

This is in regard to this post on the shamans cave web forum.

Hallo all, thank you for this resource, this is my first post, and something that I am greatly intrigued by - especially akarose's question regarding bipolar affliction.

Firstly I have been having incredible experiences mainly over the past 9 years,
induced by cannabis, hallucinogens, sleep deprivation, and fasting.
(Fasting is known to cause this but I am perusing a google search of anyone
having experiences with sleep deprivation). I am diagnosed bipolar, but
I am not very close to my doctor and would not let him diagnose me further,
especially because I have thought myself to be schizophrenic since I began
to have these experiences.

I have an extreme aversion to being sober, and cannabis has seemed to get me
through very many tough times. That being said, I have been
sober for periods lasting up to a year, but for some reason (often including the
people I am drawn to - homeless people and trippers) I always tend to go
back to the habit. I do see myself as having to be medicated, and choose to use
plants instead of the concocted help - I don't believe their intentions were
proper when they were created and therefor their effects could be worse than
going to jail or overdosing on bad lsd.

Anyhow having had extreme experiences of the beyond both under and over the
influence, I don't see myself as often "choosing" these things beforehand.
At any moment, if I am able to strand myself far from civilization (my will has
hardly ever played in choosing to sober up or fast/deprive myself), I can
experience clarity and increase in perception and dreaming. I do not dream
when I smoke, but I do know of some people who do, and are often lucid with
recall.

I think that some people are called to use these tools and for others they are
harmful. It is my own chemistry and guides that have decided this for me, and
there is often no way for me to reproduce any one experience (involving
intoxication) or to even prepare for it - I see my self as being led in this direction
and these tools, too, showed me that reality resided more in my perceptions, than
in the world that everyone was forced to claim as sharing.

I have had trips that have permanently altered me - the first involved
amphetamines, and I got the urge to write, and began writing my first poetry on
a cellular phone (without a keyboard). I have been writing ever since. Often what
I write seems to be beyond my normal capabilities, but I am hoping
that a soul retrieval will reveal to me that these were all along my abilities, or
perhaps I am being aided. Also with fasting this has happened, once for
two weeks, and once for a week, and after, several months of heightened senses,
and highly increased (well, from nothing) creativity.

It is my own mind that wishes to perform all of these duties without inebriation, but
as I said it doesn't always seem to be my choice; my reaction to the
availability of acid has been sort of knee-jerk, though is slowing down. The entire
universe talks to me, and shows me incredible mind-eye visions, and I
rethink my life often. Psilocybin however often gives me a death-trip, usually not
pleasurable but sometimes needed to jar me from repetive behaivor that
I cannot see.

When I began smoking cannabis at 18 I felt that I was different from others and
this was soon proved as I was shown my first vision of causation in the world,
after which I passed out and slept for nearly 20 hours. I have always had different
experiences than those around me, until I went to a rainbow gathering -
most people seemed to enjoy taking heavier drugs for the experience, and to sit
back and watch it, while I would often become highly spiritual and interpret
the same things that were happening to us in vastly alternate ways. It was through
these experiences that I was led to believe that I shall work with energy
and help and heal others, with myself being healed as I do this work. At this time I
began to seek all information on drugs, trip reports, religion, psychology,
and dreams, and am still furthering my knowledge on these things.

I'm not the type that likes many forms of entertainment - in almost everything I do
I learn something about my self and the world, and this is also true of
(nearly) every chemical that I have ingested. Sometimes I enter a state of mind
with an intent, but often I meditate on myself for a few moments and
dose. Depending on the winds and moon position, and some other things that I'm
sure effect the outcome, what I experience is permanently memorable.
I have so much to write about that I will cherish the day (the computer seemed to
"burp" when I tried to type that though...) when I can sit and mindlessly
write hundreds of pages of experiences and interpretations, both waking and
unwaking. This has happened more and more often, I can
pray to the blank page and cry words all over it, of things that I have been wanting
to say since I was a child.

I have had what seemed like bad and or pointless trips, but this is not the norm. In
my view modern psychology is a childish form of help, and I see
the roots of mood disorder in many people, but for me its apparent after maybe a
few days. I have very little conscious focus, so I guess I'm
finished writing. As an aside, I am sober, and usually can't stand the two weeks it
takes for me to remove the copious amounts of cannabis I ingest.
I plan on trying to continue this, and after these weeks a point is usually reached
where I am more balanced, but really I've never done it while conscious.

Yesterday while napping I noticed my audio input disappear, which signals that I
am falling asleep. I began to see an image as clear as if my eyes
were open, but it was fleeting - I often notice the colors in my eyelids turn into
dreams, and sometimes I am able to maintain some form of
consciousness while this happens. I hope to be able to maintain sobriety so that I
may work with these experiences more often.

[takes breath] I was just about to write a blog but I think I'll post this instead. :X

thought worship

2007-07-05T02:23:00.000-07:00

this began as a container for emotion, and ended up pointing to today -
yes, worship of thought is a deadly affliction, however it is the main
problem in the world today, dictated by the buddha millenium ago ...
along with his solution to how to displace this worship.

the last 12 years of my life are gone
i don't like to write sad songs
so i'll just sit here and laugh and cry

i wonder if i'll grow up to be the hairy ugly guy sitting on the park bench
asking for a quarter ... i would laugh at that one but im scared of where
im going, and no one is concerned.

everytime i see a homeless person, or someone talking to themselves, dirty
beyond repair, i wonder if they have family, what they were like as children,
what their goals were, what they did with their time .. i wonder if they have
goals now, if they have things that they won't say to others because those that
they have talked with before have dismissed what they felt .. not what they said,
what they FELT. I wonder why there must be so many people wandering around on
the streets, sleeping anywhere, with all of their belongings in their backpacks ..

i saw love as an answer, finding someone compassionate enough and able to see
the story that i would weave .. not interrupt it at every point, like everyone
else does. i'm stranded, and this beautiful life may go to waste. i've been here
before - my friend jake is stranded, and i think constantly of trying to save him,
because i know no one else will save him.

that last few weeks that i have been breathing have been troublesome. i asked a
soul for help and it didn't respond. i'm just a soul. but we're all different
apparently. i wonder what our life is worth if the earth shall be destroyed.

i imagine my self as coming from somewhere else, coming here to spread healing
and help, and change the injustices, through subtle measures, and see myself as
being able to go back and try again after this life ... i am still afraid of what
happens when I die though, I've been addressing it a lot, even though I didn't want
to.

new york was cool. I am glad that I made it out of there. It must be aweful to live
there, and they don't even know it.

i tried to be sober for a woman. what a mistake. i just wanted to have a peaceful
night. a peaceful life. i have too many constructive ideas to be this stagnant.
but no one believes me, at all. it had happened for her before, i could tell in
her voice, those things that she wouldn't say but would send through her talk.

i dont remember if i told her that i had a problem, i thought it was apparent,
i can see it in many people, but they deny it; i have many solutions but for
some reason am quite unable to enact them on my own. so i asked for a companion.

to this the universe said i should have one; that i shouldnt be so alone; with
all of these thoughts stealing my energy and all of these drugs hurting my attention
span. though these are all I have; they have given me life up until now and I have
known that they were wrong but whenever I turn from them I am faced
hell;
absolute hell; I can't even tell who I am, or why I wrote what I wrote, and all
I ask for is someone to view this for what it is; I know I have a lot of problems
but I have written the solutions for years and hope to be able to put them into
action before it becomes too cloudy to see the sun

more words to the wind. i woke up with words to her on my mind. more wine; i woke
up hours later with thoughts of her. now i'm drunk, after a day of drinking rum, beer,
and wine, and finally the thoughts want a place to sit. i saw where thoughts came from;
i know the mind so well that its absurd that i should think i am experiencing such pain
and feel it so strongly. i have so much anxiety that its hard to make decisions; either
i sit still or do stupid things just to change SOMETHING that won't change because it is
dwelling inside of me ...

the worship of thought is often confused with being selfish, being selfless.

or whatever. i feel sane in an insane world. i feel insane and the world doesn't notice.
i want to worship something other than myself. someone other than myself. maybe i should
just worship the next beautiful woman i see.

kundalini vs schizophrenia - a higher perspective

2007-07-03T07:00:00.000-07:00

*/o for those who believe in their delusions
instead of the constitution */o
*/o for those who are trapped in instutions
waiting for retribution */o

This is gonna be posted some other places. I was allowed to write it
tonight, I think it explains whats going on but to understand it its best ..
to just experience it.
-

today my high was of a
exceptional
quality
do you believe in psychic ability?
I could define my current experiences

There is something radically
different about my mood and
perceptional, focus and
concentration, memory emotional
and self awareness identification
which is just for starts, which ALL
change constantly and over long
terms

It is socially dysfunctional but can
empower certain serious personal arts

shadow worker

i mean i can think in blind spots of
my self and others and I feel
greatly

(almost) everything I experienced is
described in the dsm iv.

everything I's experience was
described in 3000+ year old mystical
expositions. I mean all humans and how
the mind works, develops, misdevelops,
and can be optimally develop. Indeed,
how it should be.

300 year old psychology. highly intellectually,
socially and externally developed. doctor
observes someone else who is sick. decides on
a treatment. generalises from that what is normal.

it has lots to discover, but cant discover very many
things about itself.

myths and spiritual awakening
descriptions and instructions,
known by the highest minds who
sought to notice their "self" and did
so in absence of a high degree of
outside sensation

and found it to be always changing
and described the usual experiental
world and life that we lived as the
illusion of maya

we descended from higher parts of
our minds with less outward
stimulation swaying our senses,
meaning our mind was not always
changing, over time, over day to
day life, over good or bad
experiences.

over life and death. the eternal self.

and there is a chance that you go
insane or the chance that you
become more experienced and
stable in the whole action of life,
when this energy is awoken, or
this world is seen for what it
truly is

I think I agreed to these terms
but they are hard to always accept
and subsequently remember. but its
either to die this way without a soul
having known my ideas (some authors
are never appreciated by their peers,
only some era later to be discovered to
have been appluadable), and not having
created any equal relationships or making
anything of my self in society or finding
out just where the bottom of the rabbit
hole is, proverbally, OR, finding everlasting
peace and creative power and knowledge of
self and awareness of the real world and
the ability to speak the language of nature
and not be pushed and pulled around by
this false world society has created in the
attempts of making everyones lives "better"

I have some things to develop
I must do them alone for some
time, because few can understand,
nor relate to or begin to
imagine the life of someone with
experiences of the possibly
premature awakening of the
spiritual energy described as
buddhist kundalini

i have found very few descriptions of
this idea. of spiritual awakening discussed
within the buddhist framework. even fewer
people who have experienced it *and* were
able to articulate it. and i've met one and maybe
a handful of people who have done the work and
simply shine and help and create and dance.

(the universe told me what to do,
sing, pray, dance, and meditate - then rest)

i find if i begin to believe that im
crazy and not provided for by the
intelligent living world around me and
above me, and my guides and spirits
that help me that i must help, i begin
to feel sicker and my life goals begin
to be limited and my opportunities
removed and my body and mind just
hurt

but if i believe that i have the ability to
one day find out true happiness for more
than a moment or more than a few months
yes for years and years, i feel like my life
has a deep purpose, to find out the origins
of this dream world i live in

i've had the opportunity to never
connect on a deep level with
anyone over my life that i can
agree on right now, that could
understand what changed over
my life and could help me, and
i've also had the pleasure of
keeping my imagination and
ability to sit around and dream
and play like a child.

ive also had the privelage of not taking
in too much regular culturization
and programming that inhibits
this true childishness

i also know something is wrong
and have litle faith in modern
psychology and psychiatry
approaches to this 'problem'
and 'disease' so what am i to
do?

i shall remain absolutely still.

(like as in fear? deer in headlights?
no as in man meditating in the mountains
and conserving and rebuilding energy
levels to heights normally unknowable)

three references:
the origins of western vs eastern psychology,
the four states of consciousness, the working
of the mind and general excersizes:
the mind and its mysterious control

one particularly clear cosmological story
explaining society and its war against enlightenment
of the individual, its illusory nature:
the islanders

and the ever indepth and up to date
interpretation of the experience with
many positive findings, an entire
contempary book of one persons
findings:
The Biology of Kundalini

just a light worker.

gettin all poorlitical and stuff

2007-06-24T02:22:00.000-07:00

And in other news, as the entire internet prepares to shut down to warn of an oncoming BAD BILL, I was compelled to toss a few bloody words into the fire.

http://blog.last.fm/2007/06/22/weekend-follies#comments

All based on http://www.savenetradio.org/ - SoundExchange, a puppet NPO run by the RIAA, will attempt to charge streaming radio broadcasters TRIPLE what similar airwave radio stations will pay. And it is retroactive, kind of like a back tax taken at gunpoint. It's insane, and this type of thing happens too often under the public's radar - they think the internet is free but those in the know often have to FIGHT to keep it that way. Its always been that way.

Duh I also was interested in Reparations and responded to a several year. It disappeared I guess.
CLI has one writeup.

LLS Team in Training Fund Raising Letter

2007-06-22T02:27:00.000-07:00

Draft 3:

Dear

I thought that I would challenge myself this summer, by discontinuing my couch potato behavior, and training to become a physically fit (svelte) young woman. Certainly the motive for my training was purely selfish, until I attended an informational meeting sponsored by the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society Team in Training.

The LLS is the largest non-profit voluntary organization dedicated to raising funds for blood-related cancer cures, research, and provides programs and services that enhance and increase the number of cancer survivors.

So moved by what I had learned, I decided to take on the challenge to train for the Nike 1/2 marathon walk (13.1 miles) on October 21st, 2007 in San Francisco.

On this day I will walk in memory of my God-Daughter Rene Terry who passed in 1985 from Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma, a young woman who, in the prime of her life, had recently graduated from Cornell University.

She never had the opportunity to experience the fruits of her education, but left behind her son Chad for all of us to cherish.

My nephew Andre Lavell, a young father of four, who was diagnosed two years ago with Chronic Mylegenous Leukemia, also inspires me. His healthy spirit and his desire to focus on following the medical regime as prescribed by his physician awes me, as does his strength to maintain that wonderful relationship he has with his wife and 4 young children.

So for him I am walking in honor of his current battle and with his attitude and determination I have faith he will be a survivor and winner in every sense of the word.

These two young people have made me realize how my complaints are trivial in comparison to what they have had to deal with; Rene’s fierce battle to survive and Andre’s everyday endurance.

So the aches and pains, and these pulls in the muscles that I feel in this new- found activity of walking, is something I can certainly take on, and I will push my self to be a winner.

I need a further push from all of you. My goal is to raise $4000 for this cause. Seventy-five cents of each dollar goes directly to the LLS, and each donation is 100-percent tax deductible. Research funding has helped to develop treatments that have increased the survival rate of children suffering from Leukemia from %4 in 1960 to over %85 today.

Please give as generously as you can. I am honored by any help that we receive.

Much love and thanks in advance,

Elsie Mitchell / Chad Terry

caught .. changing ..

2007-06-20T02:25:00.000-07:00

and when you thought you were vulnerable those eyes penetrated
but the eyes would not talk when they had no teeth or tongue
and who did they see? was it you or me?

vida's last post was beautiful, and seems to be
carrying the same energy that is on my own back ..
the daily horoscopes from anette seem to be
eerily pointing out something to me and the
other person ...

it feels like I've been here before though I
know I haven't; or I've forgotten.

I won't let this end in pain though if it
is always as uncomfortable as it is
now then I will have to change my
dreams to include only me and
then try and figure out where
this silly fantasy came from.

I almost want to hate signs
that lead nowhere. Months
of dreams to go a place and
wait. While my own mind goes
everywhere except for to you,
it seems to be my own problem.

Can't be mad at that. My own mind
making its own problems. Wanting
to share those problems along with
its gifts. Hoping that somehow I would
get out of this pit I dug.

So sorry I drug you down here with me.
My own dreams are as simple as being
able to be myself and be creative. I've
had these dreams on my own that included
faces hidden in shadows and names illegable,
for so long that I wonder if they just all starred
different aspects of myself.

One thing that is comforting that I know
is that I don't even need to connect with
someone to benefit from them. All the
writing that I've done is enough and though
my own mind wants an actual closure of
the energy it may just fade with the sunset.

So the casual interactions we've shared have
had anything but casual reactions in me. Oh brother.
Emotion is not my mode of transportation. Crash.

Its caused me to displace my self because where I
was had a foundation of sand. No one knows the
extent of this greater than me and I couldnt even
formulate words to make you feel this experience.

I've been over words for so long now in relation to
you. I guess conscious minds have a harder time
synchronizing than unconscious minds. Thats why
all I want to do is make art. Its my fuel and I'm on E.

Re:

and so then they gave her everything to keep us apart.
they gave us each other too. what stupidity.

how do you undo 16 years? answer is, you dont ...

Re: (keith)

Rising Son

Yo Son, It's rising again
Sun
makin' way 4 another day
It's Son-day today
filled 2 da brim with grim,
just sims
Son -- making it's way
On Son-day
On E or on "E" -- IC
Son, sum empty vessels jus fullofit
Son

THIS ONES DONE........Look 4 the
NEXT!!!

Rising Son

angry love poetry

2007-06-18T02:21:00.000-07:00

After hearing her read her angry love poem, I was so inspired I wrote 3.
Haven't talked much to her since. Wonder what she thinks. LOL. :)

(Wicca karma anyone?)

and where the energy goes .. i will follow

2007-06-18T02:19:00.000-07:00

The first few times they didn't find the wolf,
but there is a freakin wolf. - im sick

She reminded me of playing a guitar with no strings -
nothing came out!

I saw a snippet of "The Devil in the Blue Dress".
Not seeing that sort of action usually, I go ...
Violence .. its amazing what communication will go to.

It seems hard to be a friend.
It takes controlling an emotional kernel that is
invoked by interaction ..
Don't friends talk though? Share stuff. Most my writing gets published but you ...

Whatever, going to see FF4x2. This humidity in DC ... ouch ...

"you have to accept that you do not know all, but that you will"

You asked for A, and got B!
And were satisfied. Who lied?
We tried, with our last living breaths to scream,
as if to negate the dream, and wake the dreamer ..
Because things are not always as they seem, huh?

We evaluated the differences,
which consistently came up signifigant
and ran tests that failed in all instances ...

Confused with those who chose to stay behind
with lesser minds we rose to find the field
of time to play create foundation.

May I have another story please ...

2007-06-17T03:23:00.000-07:00

It was just me, tricking my self, so that I could trick you better!

Sometimes that seems to be the only plausable explanation ...

I am amazed with my recent writing. I will try and continue writing.

I feel better about your energy now. I must look back at our exchanges
to see what happened because it doesn't usually seem to work either way.

Maybe we knew something back then. That no one else knew as clearly
as we did. Romance is one thing but destiny is greater.

God has truly blessed me to feel such power from you but not wish
to be attached. A friend; a wonderful way to view such proceedings.

Thinking about the women I've been with I remember not consciously feeling
and deciding on what I wanted between us or what I felt for her until it
resulted in sexual distress.

Love at first sight isn't the same when its a guy and you're straight.
Me and Terry and Jake and Andrei and to an extent Kyle all shared that
the first time we enteracted. We have similar rhythms. Similar minds.
Different social conditions. Intertwined fates. A family outside of blood.

I have been planning on making this change for several years now.
I believe I will be happer and more successful, keeping in mind a few variables.
The support just isn't around. (Nor was it the time)

Words elone are more than enough.
We'll always make art and if we could share that it would be super.

Why, pray tell, can they read your words but not feel your voice?
So much more of the powem is available to them in this way.

I wonder if this influence is genuine; I pray that it is used
in a positive and constructive manner. When becoming my self
I have to fight my ego so strongly. Arrogance, I guess I am that,
but for so long I have not liked it that I thought it was someone else.

You would have to live one perfect day, and share it,
or record it, to know later that it was enlightenment.

To live life without you would mean to search for, in every single persons eyes,
what I could not see in my self, alone. When they were not able to reflect my radiance,
I would feel empty and a failure. I have looked for this beauty, first in the form of
my missing father (is that him? on the subway) then for what I suppose is to be my
mother. Though I am not so silly to be doing that in the waking, I still look for
validation and acceptance in each and every womans eyes, unreturned.

Only through communication and heart have I survived.
All else has been shipped off to the reck already,
and there are few that would care to retrieve it.
I cry for our life alone, too many years, and wait for the day
when I can go into a dream and wonder what would have happened
if I had stayed near you after our school experience.

A whole lot of writing just got erased. It happens to damn much.
Maybe I'm not writing enough. Maybe I'm just not writing the right things.

I'm tired of re-writing. It was just a few paragraphs.

Ok, I'm feeling very artistic, but tired, and heavy, because of the heavier food/
life I began living, and a bit annoyed, maybe because my car has been getting
'detailed' for the past 5 hours. Also really odd sexual urges, out of absolutely
nowhere. All of the women around are exceptionally beautiful.
The kids are so wonderful, the little girls so special.

This friend of mine, our friendship, it will be hard, so very few women get to
remain my friends, and I really can say that I hate depravity due to repression.

Each letter comes out different, from the same source, at a different time.
Each was aligned for me, before I thought, after my typo. How can I be judged
for my own words when they are anything but that. I have been working on not
being here, being in a place of no-awareness and feeling the subtle pulls of
consciousness on my soul.

For me to take my self seriously I would have to know who I was taking and where.
I don't trust my self; thats what I'm here for. He is way too unpredictable. I don't
even know a lot of the things that I know. How can you judge me?

When I remember some of the things I've done, or read about it from my own
sources, or am told, it is usually a bit of a surprise. I have to fix that, it is very
displeasing and displacing.

While I plan on cultivating focus I will continue to write these fragments of
mine. If you wan't a book you have one, just be prepared to help further the cause.
Its easy, flows like water.
Tastes like candy.
All mind.

Free water/food/air/housing/medicine/internet

2007-06-17T02:20:00.000-07:00

Let us forget a few things from this list, and then forget that
we've enlisted our selves to assist, the perpetrators of this
grand removal of the right to live. Mmm.

Tired of writing responseless.
I got less interaction on blogger with less bother.
Now I remember why I got on myspace ...

Bey, Betsee, and Nelly. Ugh.

words to wake up to

2007-06-17T02:18:00.000-07:00

Talk about bad dreams. And they seem so real ..

When I think of what is real confusion sets in.
Real seems to change. But lets try and get
a picture of it changing ... maybe that will
be it.

Next destination, Islands.
Get away from the cement for a while.
Maybe take up a new language, like sign.
Much more interesting than language spoken
with no heart.

Continue organizing the data overflow.
That seems like it may have importance,
I don't even know what I have.

Make it more presentable. The internet is
kind of inspiring though, but I could probably
create without it.

Read more of my past writing ...

Dream of a womans comfort.
Resolutions to this are old and new;
is the fear valid? Will my heart be
consumed by flocks of vulture women?
Will they see my silly weakness and use
it again and again to exploit me?

Will I actually make up my mind and keep
it that way until we at least think we know
each other?

Ok so beyond bars running up to random
misses with compliments .. homeless chicks
are pretty abundant, but usually that way for a
reason. As is me. The next rainbow gathering
is promising.

It's really weird how I can see few goals as beneficial
as forming and maintaining a relationship. I want art
but I don't want to sit in my room performing for my
mirror and wondering what it sounds like, only to
hear a response from people I can't trust.

I think it is pretty interesting. So does my best friend,
though hes psychotic. I allow people to manipulate me
when I show them my art, and most don't seem to know
how they do that. And so many people know me but not
my creations. I know I have to just start pushing it onto
people; who sits at a bus stop and asks someone if they
know a song or story?

Or something. I wonder if I'll sleep. My medicine was
confiscated. I wish not to be considered addicted, and
I can bet that the withdrawal will be pretty violent.

I was supposed to use this space to ask her to talk
about her self. I guess she doesn't; maybe I could
tell her what I see in her; but I don't know if she
wants that too. So overly concerned about how she
feels about me. Sorry that we have to come as tests.

These words are worthless here. Everyone just reads
and reads and has nothing to write. These words are
to her, when her mailbox was full and her reply button
broken.

This energy is for her, was molded by her, but I don't
know how to return it. I have ceased holding back
my words, I have lost so much of my life; if it werent
on a computer I would be carrying around a bunch of
paper trying to keep it from the elements. So I've
began to publish as much as I can, to share more,
with my family, with my friends - but it seems my
need to express has gone unnoticed by these people.
Maybe next year they will read it. Who knows where
I will be.

So yea I can't get this feeling out of me.
No matter how much I write.
I'm tired of smoking.
I really liked what I wrote last week but
I haven't gotten any input so I can't tell if
I'm just enjoying a grande delusion or not.

I'll just lay here and use every molecule
of my body to relax.

silly boy.

I miss your poetry, silly girl.
What you only gave to me.

words to fall asleep to

2007-06-17T02:15:00.000-07:00

At a loss for ways to describe the current happenings,
I remove my hand from the keyboard and rub my eyes.

The words were like tears, existing only in thought.

They were erased before my eyes, maybe telling
me to stop. I questioned the source; it gave me
too many answers to make sense of.

How do you undo a dream, when you have been
dreaming it for 20 years? Is this dream even
my own? If not, whose is it, and why is it in my head?

Even my dreams mock me.

95 out of 100 try and stop me.

Few less stop and try and
watch me.

These actions are anything but my own,
but who will listen to discover the truth to this?

Todays events were not that great.
Leaving my grandmothers feeling released
from their stagnation I raced to another
uncertain destination.

Why should my own story be too much for
me to grasp? Why does this knowing of my
own history seem to be in passing and clouded,
blocked away. I must be tricking my self but
I forgot when I started doing it.

Why are there several billion people on the earth
and I walk around not even feeling connected to
the ground beneath me? This illusion ..

Out of metaphor ..

Into confusion ..
I could probably write all night and erase
it in the morning, not knowing what to say
but feeling the need to express and resolve
something.

Driving here I could feel the sensation of my
body pulling in negative energy .. it took a while
to notice but I was reminded of when I can feel
it freely leaving me ...

Why do I feel so compelled to make a decision ..
so often .. some forgotten date causing me to
rush .. some duty unfulfilled, some artificial
completion time asserted ..

I think I had to take these risks. Chances.
I can't determine if they are risks that I
would normally have taken or if I am just
becoming more careless.

So we have exchanged letters for over 2 months now.
We seem to have related a lot. I have placed my self
near this person I consider special; we are close to
meeting face to face for the first time in over a decade.

Ho hum, I wish I could control my thoughts, because most of
all I'm pretty certain that I've caused all of the things
that have been happening. I keep having bad dreams though.
I don't have enough good dreams. Maybe as I lay here sleepless
tonight in another new place I will try and have happy dreams.

I just wanted to be with you, and I wanted you to be there too,
and I wanted to leave you with more words than I came to you with.

I wanted everyone to hear those words, I wanted those words to
heal us, and support us, and entertain us.

Souls that were comparable,
Lives that were just lives,
Cycles that may be longer than those.
Waiting to connect.

I've learned that I talk too much.
I don't like secrets, or hiding things,
because they are always found out.

I'm tired of not getting the things in my head,
and even more weary when I'm told its solely
my own experience and that I should sort it out.

Well the snakes head comes out of the basket
waiting for the last machete he will ever see.

I have things to do here. Coincidental happenings;
nothing I would have driven for, but combined with
a chance to see her something to travel for.

I wonder how I will survive in NYC. I feel the anger
and anxiety and ignorance so strongly; these things
grow in me as I accept more and more of it.

After leaving NYC, which may be before or after
the grade school reunion, I will probably go towards
the Ozarks of Arkansas, where the 2007 national rainbow
gathering will be held. It was nice last year; however in
the current mood all that I remember was seeing hundreds
of beautiful women and a few with similarities but simply
watching.

Gosh women seem to know more about relationships and
women in general than men. Why is it so hard to even talk
about these subjects with them without subjectiveness ..

All these silly words and I still don't know if I wrote what
I really felt or what I wanted to say. I pray and pray for
an interpretation. Someone to see me that I can see.

And yes, I would risk most of my self, and discard it if necessary,
to become the person I dreamed. My creativity can't be confined,
and my consciousness is confused, beyond that everything is
worthless.

I don't know what its worth. MY mind is too strong.
If it were to stay like this I would perform drastic measures,
but I believe my problems will lighten as I am put in a
position to heal. Healing has been my main study since I
first noticed something really odd about my self, 8 years ago.

And a chance to feel healthy, and create what you
imagine, would be worth the risk.

Ok, I'm gonna erase this and make it seem happy
and put lots of exclamation points everywhere. (!!!)
Well, maybe not, it might influence the coming
conundrums.

how to survive in 2012 - of many unsent

2007-06-16T02:17:00.001-07:00

"you my sister
i'll be tryin to get you out of the bed" krs

floating between
everywhere and nowhere
i couldnt complete a thought if it were before me
so why try
where am i ...

a house full of faces and spirits
old family and generations
books of information fiction

old people, in the woods
surrounded by trees and huge bushes

if i was supposed to know what i was
writing that would assume much more
ability in the conscious mind than
the subconscious. there is no such
thing. hypnosis and the mind

i remember getting my self to hate meat so much
that it smelled bad when cooking; thats hypnosis.
don't know how i did it though.
why am i writing this?

a good way to stop yourself.
the most important things i can think of are ...
being lost in creativity ... being here in zen ..

all of these processes seem healthy and inevitable but
the pain of going through them blindly is discomforting ..
isn't it all for comfort?

a long period of confusion must mean a long period of ..
certain comfort.

drawers full of .. torn and ripped .. blood and tear soaked ..
half legible letters .. fragments of some humans life ..

soymilking it ...

i lick the blade
and don't get caught
unpaid dues
that can be bought
...

i have so many dreams around my neck
pulling me to this destination
that it is absurd
quite absurd
so many soldiers that were called to return home
never completing their missions ...
nor being able to get home ...

if i keep this letter unsaved, maybe some
really interesting stuff will come up

like this. as i read annetts myspace blog on
daily horoscopes, she mentions the words
"spirits awake" and i think of it, and its
hidden power. moments later a book falls from
the book case. i am astounded by the action,
and hesitate to read the title for hours.
the title of the book was aphrodite.

"how to survive in 2012"

2012 is already here, and the time
between then and now must be filled
with necessary preparation. my kids,
if they grow up, in this society,
must be aided by knowledge in
technology, science, and magic.
(the external/nature includes magic,
tech/sci the internal)
these three key studies will allow
them to prosper, if they so choose
to travel to this place.

as the light travels through my veins
and my heart the center of the universe
coordinating messages from galaxies a many
an alien brain tells me simply to relax
every night contacting them
but not you
what sacrelige, blasphemy.

thysophann.

--

sure steppin
towards my destiny on fire
taking half my self i split to the horizin

for uncertain treasures, taking uncertain measures

tell me, you wouldn't climb an electric fence
for just a glimpse of what the other side would be like ..
even if you knew you would be blinded by the sun
and possibly fall to your death

you could hope that that light would power you
in the next life

but if you were already ready to die
yearning, ready, prepared
and would need a nudge either way
something was about to change

watching these aged people
walk around wondering where
each anomoly comes from
accustoming themselves to the limitations
of their environments, of their classes
of their minds

wondering if i'll grow to be ..
as weakened as these people around me are ..
i can't think of a synonym, but, impotentiated ..

flare.

"poetry in the bed, literally" j-live

blogging by gunpoint

2007-06-14T02:15:00.000-07:00

It seems I will see only certain aspects
of my self through these subconscious inscribings.
Some of it is amazing while some disturbing.

There is so much to write about and order plays some
part in later determining what happened .. but the
energy to channel it is waining, like the tides.

Vida needs to be interviewed, hopefully one day I
will write that up and get her to answer it :) I
may just go see her, I ran across so many things
driving the 40 .. the entire time I felt pretty
weird though, I didn't want to go into stores and
stuck to drive-throughs.

I picked up two people, and after taking this guy
to a truck stop I saw him the next day walking
up the road and thought it was better to be alone
for a while.

No. Energy.

It seems this place drains my energy. I still think
certain places allow me to write more than others.
I remember leaving the motel in ventura, where I had
been writing every day, and moving into josephs, and
looking at my blog and seeing several entries over a
couple of months ..

The movie "a lot like love" comes on her TV and I'm
compelled to watch it, between cops. Too much weird
stuff, and she has it on all day, like an open sign.
Where they lead the mind and senses is odd; they put
forth a statement, which any rational person could
disect into many arguments, the least likely being
the one the announcer follows, for several statements.
The end statement involves your need for what they have.

Maybe its just commercials and most non movie channels.
I like it when my radio just goes "Whats up, this is God!"
[fill]

[fill]

[fill]

empty bowl waiting for recipes.

forgetting my own true origin.

but who followed the masters?

I feel like a little kid but I know
a lot more of them are probaly more sucecssful
than I am at these endevours.

but who knows what i know. some record
somewhere unaccessable to me, viewable only by
those certain individuals ...

"i'm sorry but don't ask me to make a difficult decision
with a loaded weapon cocked at my peripheral vision .." - $1.65

travelling across the country for dummies - the i40

2007-06-12T02:14:00.000-07:00

i dont break eye contact space for miles davis cords
and sun ra beams of light

i dont close my eyes go far the pretty shiney stars

i dont take steps to the suns beat marching to the rythm
of a gun souls parting

i dont get down i bury myself underground and sprinkle words
all around

words that dont mean anything
things that dont go anywhere
and places that dont exist

i dont dance but can inspire the head nod in a mob of the penniless

undulating and carelessly caressing their throats like
what happened to the ropes?

i dont know but i know i dont write rhymes times write me

i dont hang out i work the strip and cruise the blues
peruse for clues on the unpaid dues

i dont own a pen but this paper sins me to the wind

i dont read and write but i got the right things to make you
read between the lines

i dont make signs but signs might show their self evidence

i dont call his name in vain always pain poured pavement
walking ways within prayers

i dont get high ...

i dont get high ...

i am high

i was born high

i was borne in flight and am at home in the sky

though when i use my eagles eyes my energy is projected
to the ground ...

feeding from the negative energies ...

i stopped at the drive through college
picked up some
fast freedom, fried
yea lemme get a number
666 with some extra ignorance
swallowed whole but there must be
a shallow hole in my stomache so
i always wanted more
at the 365-day liqour outlet
picked up a carton of candles
and a gallon of grease
to ease my movement through these streets
still got caught up though
by hundred year old thoughts
swelling
tuned in my vision but all i picked up was indecision
19.99 or 9.99 or 800 or .com
felt down when i read that they were dropping bombs ...
whats going on?

are these mirrors in front of my eyes upside down and
backwards, or are you all just fractured?
the snakes tongue has not changed
so history remains the same
given a view of the head the beast shall be slain
provoking the unleashing of the sky torching schmiter again ..

so i had to kill a couple of butterflys
on my way to slay the beast
they died for a noble cause
let us all pause.

on my way to slay the beast my vessle pumped, pushed,
writhed and beat as the fuel pain bled sound vibrating
speed.

cruise control and 65 across the globe. was the dragon
at the end?
no one knows.

or knew at the time, thats why I wrote this, moving at
the speed of thought, finger always on the button,
biscuits always in the oven, through all low battering
warnings.

i wrote this so that i could know, the source of my own
pain, hidden within me. and no, i wasn't hungry, i wasn't
tired, i wasn't inspired, nor wired, just traveling the
hypnolayers.

laying road where i went and giving out names i would forget,
no one soul would see the source of this pain. only
everyone would see it.

words like water had sped through their filters, but this
could clog them up and replace them.

words like candy would tickle their fancy but
the taste would soon fade away

so i began to tattoo minds with mines

my tongue like a pendulum with an axe at the end for a pen

my mind an empty bowl waiting for manna from the sky to feed them

my hands always itching, twitching, spazzing.

i remember the time i cut my finger, and bled all over the paper
it was so hot then that it rose in thick red vapor

this spark cannot be harmed
it chooses its own direction
the wind is so very strong
and the water is very warm
and the aerth provides protection

brother from another mother,
sister from another mister,
unrelated cousins in the dozens
and surrogates who wink at me in the night.
a family among us
expanding humongus

hey, oh, hi everybody
my name is chad terry
or seku ahswe, the caller of names
walker of the wind
who has his origin in the crossways

riding on e to eternity
are we there yet?

this disconnection i feel must be the connection

the directions to a lost soul ressurection

finding matter in holes and digging holes in matter

the whole order is backwards

distorted, so minds have been contorted
comforting the most important

they gave us the words to define us so
are we even that?

a few notes before the road

2007-06-09T02:13:00.000-07:00

the road asks for these notes and allows me to travel safely
i have done everything and all that i could to get to this point
and i will loose it all when things get rough

my world on wheels.

casa loma to the 58 east, to the i-40 east.
stopping in lake havasu city, to drive down
london bridge road.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lake_Havasu_City,_Arizona
http://maps.google.com/maps?f=d&hl=en&saddr=e+casa+loma+ave,+bakersfield,+ca. etc

haha he wants to show me ....

This post was cut short. Don't wanna write about it.
Sticking to the 40 is good though.

these are the things that go on

2007-06-08T02:12:00.000-07:00

[i didnt want to write something depressing. but its seeping!]

its friday night. 20 cop cars are racing to save someone or stop something.
my phone is dead. my browser is slow.

these are the things that go on. i am going to go smoke.

my dad decided to play devils advocate for every conversation
we had, and it is a form of replies that agitate me, especially
from my dad and uncle, that gets our talks absolutely nowhere.
each comment deviated further and further from some form of
conclusion being formed. brb.

i am dizzy. lsd is bad. life is good. at least its life as always.
i feel pulled through some infinite maze by some unknown
powerful force into apparent dead end after dead end, each
as surprising as the first time. each promising exit. what is
outside of the matrix? Only those who know can tell ..

And those who have told forever embedded their knowledge
of the experience of the higher places into communication
serving as markers. No way was this real ya'll.

What is real? Why argue about right now or then? It is above
our feeble minds yet some will still argue that point. The
pinpoints in the sky that some can see know more of our
selves than we know of them. Their knowing is not transient
like our minds or their positions but eternal like their glow and
force.

DNA is interesting. At each replication it increases its responses
to the environment. Some species reproduce at much higher rates;
can these species be more spiritually evolved than us? Are ants
really the iceberg tips of infinite beings? Why do I even really care?

What I really care about is the location of my mind.

This mind has an experience naturally like no other, but
true definition will set it apart in further dimensions.

Like the spectrum of the rainbow the human mind and its
regulation can be represented by a curve; multi-dimensional
of course but for relation marked by low and high. It can help
to place so-called extremes at the end and beginning of this
curve.

Manic to depressed the world seems open to closed. The pores
feverishly suck in nutrients or they are clogged and overflowing.
The light is almost too bright to see well or absent to the extent
of using hands and smell.

In the middle, to an extent, most peoples level lay. Slight variation
over the short term, with natural curving variation over time.
Almost a predictable schedule, though not so because of the
many day to day influences that can cause slow or abrupt changes.

Mania is hyperactivity, overstimulation, more coffee and speed.
Beyond that, or possibly, with that energy channeled, lay spaces
of consciousness where hgher frequencies are definitally experienced.

Hallucinations and delusions, seeds of energy from these other
planes, are experienced as an unseating in this transitory place.
Each thought has some value though without focus deviation can
happen almost mid-sentance. It often does.

Anxiety is almost an emotional rumbling, a general feeling of being
uncomfortable wherever you are, in whatever situation you are in.
Certain things seem to stop it, or displace it from view temporarily.

The body and mind are said to be seperate in distinct ways.

I have a bad cough and must go enhance it.
Ok that was not too bad. Hash has its good hits.

Addiction is an interesting phenomona also. Another body must
be served through a known action of empty consumption. It drives
and directs my life and I'm not too upset about that. The struggle
of power is interesting to view. The modification is inevitable,
dependancy may be permanent. Or there may be underlying proponents,
whose visibility has eluded us all.

I dont even know what I've written to a large extent.

Memories .. some so strong and vivid and others obviously
burried at varying depths. The tip of the iceberg theme again.
Some that resurface over and over again and others that return
only at the oddest moments. Our memory is quite infallable; if
that is so then who is to know what really happened? How many
people does it take to agree, and further, how many people to
_record_ what is actual fact? With so many accounts and
influences ..

Certainty is a tool used by the devil.

I'm over it. I trust what a plant tells me. Nothing is truer.

What karma this was. Certainly not developed during this lifetime.
It seems to be accelerating. More and more risks traded for more
and more apparent value. Is it worth it? To drive faster in a
lighter car with bags of air to protect you should anything falter?

Greater rewards for greater power and in turn greater influence
for the better or worse. The worst is not assumed; the best is
saught. At worst lives will be lost and fortunes displaced and
things unreplaceable will be destroyed. Minds will go into loops
and dig holes to hide in, never to show their fuller selves again
until some special tool is utilized.

The more I write and see the same things around me I wonder if
its worth anything. I would not turn it off however. I have worked
all of my life to be so inspired and purposefull and there was
no going back, barrying some really extreme circumstances where
extended control was lost wth no record.

This is spiritual channeling and I don't even feel it anymore
though I remember the first day I truly felt it; an unmistakable
feeling. The feeling of being given candy or crack for the first
time, in increasing amounts. Until you were given the motherload ..
I remember writing it; though I still interpret it. I remember
more the absence of remembering the source or inspiration or
actual moment-to-moment transcribing.
Somehow I wrote down the perfect buzz.

the names and faces have changed but the souls have remained the same

i think i should become a plumber

2007-06-07T02:41:00.000-07:00

this is an interesting day.
i know now, is how i feel.
it flashed through my mind, that it was possible that someone
could say something in an honest tone and mean it and not know
that you were created to answer that one question ...

and then be able to harness and change/form the resulting energies
that will rise ...

my dads toilet has been on the fritz and i think i should become a plumber.
gloves, hands on fire, water, come on. good idea.

if it got too strong ..

2007-06-07T02:40:00.000-07:00

Ifi t got too strong then I wasnt writing enough.
It needed release and resolution, relief and response to the idea that
I was made to be alone.

I wanted to know if it was true, if I could have a dream
and live in one at the same time, and not have to be the only one there.

My imagination was steaming with the paths, ways burnt by backwards energies
undone. I needed more.

Whatever the addiction its all the same, we just wanted freedom and being
addicted to each other just wouldnt provide enough space.

Wherever I roamed I burnt down the trees, the bridges were invisible so I
couldn't harm them but my character kept falling in the ditches anyway.

I needed some help, and who knew it. Who knew what combination of replies
and actions would encourage a full release of my hidden self into world view.

I knew that I knew nothing. I knew where it came from, nowhere, and I knew
where it went to, nowhere. She made me want to write.

Another hummingbird inspected me today.

A fung shui of time

Some people will have trouble accepting how I spend my time.
In moments of clarity, at any second, an image of infinite
beauty can be uncovered and vanish in the next instant.

I view these things continually and pick and choose which to express
as thumbnail of my perspective at this point and time.

The caution cone experiment with Betsy

I had finally found a safety cone without any markings defining its owner,
walking down the suburban streets of santa monica. We took it with us and
took turns carrying it.

When we reached the mall we placed it in an obvious walk/driveway, and
watched peoples reaction to the obstruction.

We watched people, in a mental pack, notice the cone, go back to their
destraction, and barely avoid the cone. Not once did they become aware of
the area surrounding the cone, perhaps for some hanging piano or escaped
rabid zoo animal.

We moved further into the mall, and exactly one, smiling vibrant young girl
noticed the beacon and became aware of her surroundings.

lost at love and at sea

2007-06-06T02:42:00.000-07:00

yea i attacked i had to she had that certain type of attitude. i was swallowed automatic dude.
on the watch for heads peaking above the tides. i'd enjoy the ride but i stop and think and then its all inside ..
inquisitive to the death of me .. a cat like this on the sea? trick or treat ..
not everyday i get to play dress up for a sin and its just my kind of karma to do it all again .. im listenin ..
to my own personal hemisocialpsychoatmosphere digested loud and clear ..
syncronized my heart to the rythm of my own death ... approaching ...
im on her doorstep and its later than i'd expected ... what the heck then ...
time to push that special button, for ejectin

there was a charge to this bite ..swinging in the wind ... 50 mile per hour winds ...
but i could care less because i had more sails and i looked to the sky to figure out my trails ...
writing a destiny to be discovered on other planets washed ashore ..
it was all nothing and i wanted more because she hadnt said she loved me last time she forgot to kiss me ...
im talking tongues in gibberish now ... fingers crispy from formin from this fire ...
and the only water smells like frogs and crawdads and flys that just dont understand when youve had enough ...
but it was never enough because youd come back in a moment if you saw your self walking the other direction in a dream ...
because thats all it was.

in your dreams you'd wake her up slowly with rubs and fresh juice and would .. know what kind of dream
to expect to be talking about when she woke up ... eyes that just saw too much.

with a defensive voice
and a, torn up tongue
she ripped my world apart

dancing in the fall of the pieces i got to see her eyes ...
once ... just once ...

they said ... fuck you ... fuck me .. whatever ...

i said, well, got a name? or two? what could we do?
what can we make?

that was just the end of one story that was fate
we shared chords in several spectrums and it was all just fake
our minds spread in several directions it was all intake
who saw what and when was intrestin depending on how late.

razor pens and submission pens questions questions questions ...

how many names do you have? how many games in your math?
got any lines for these circles? anything to trade for this wrath?

released or not i got the plot but wheres the dock?
i needed to unwind, anchors away

at first all i saw was light
then after my eyes adjusted
to the whole left burnt
images danced like fresh water
dropped ..

she was the answer i never got and i wouldnt get it now
tho except for me everyone knew in the crowd

i just kept on
collision or incision its all undecision
my guiding light ...

the man i was

2007-06-06T02:39:00.000-07:00

The man I was when I began
writing this entry is dead.
Burried and forgotten,
these words would otherwise
have smelled rotten,
if my mother hadn't
told me otherwise.

Though tears swell up
in our eyes
the flowers don't need
more water,
they need our
songs and praise and care ...
for when
the sun is gone
these plants provide for us

each tiny little individual segment
sectioned and sanctioned for sovereignty.
praying in unison was the only way.

what words were these, to come from this
hole in my chest
a murder in reverse
to kill the readers mind
to a place of calm
unquestioning
vision.

the visions were for those that could interpret them
and follow the signs.
if you are here then you have already done
exceptionally well.

thank you for your participation as a blank canvas
which i will use to paint an image of yourself
as you would see
through my broken eyes.

i will be able to use your eyes to see
now
we will seek visions and then
integrate them into
our full beings,
the people we are to become.

shining like beacons for all those lost
to see we have been chosen to lead a new pack.
those behind us will keep us up for the good of humanity.

it is a noble calling to be able to fulfill,
with its rewards and downfalls.
the truth of it is, that it never fails,
and never has failed, because we are still here.
when it really gets good,
we won't even
have
to
be
here.

eat raw meat - eat raw food - eat organic food

2007-06-05T02:43:00.000-07:00

Two parts, provoked by Vida's blog posting.

Yay! I eat raw meat! And green juice and know a few raw food preparers!
Yay! But I gotta go! Too much energy! Things to do! Lets discuss later!
Nice chatting with you btw. :P

Mmm a dehydrator was their best friend; a salad bowl mine; for only two
weeks at a time then heavier stuff ... they made sprouted breads and
all types of things .. i havent eaten anything except for liquids and
fruit. Then last night I eat a FEW raisins. Maybe half a handful.
My stomache hurt.

Yay! Im gonna go drink some water, at least 2 calories in that ...

I don't know. Lol I'm just doing stuff.

I like organic raw hamburger, the highest fat content, either dehydrated,
with onion, avo, namu shoyu raw soy sauce, and any other herbs that you
fancy .. mm. Makes me a bit tired when I eat a lot, but sometimes I can
eat a lot ;P like half pound or more. I like raw milk, love raw cream,
in CA, specially socal/la/santa monica, there is a lot of raw food people
and sources. Organic by all means :) I was initially raw vegan and had
been vegetarian/vegan for a few years several years back, but I kind
of liked eating raw meat. :P

Even chicken, I think once I had some sort of stomache disturbance, but
it just ended up in more cleansing. The raw food preparists were Ian and
Ivy Love, in Ojai, CA. They are still here spreading their tasty treats. :)

Salads were my first raw binge. Bowls the size for several people, sometimes
two. All types of things, every single vegetable I liked at least, cabbage and
cucumber and spinache and garlic and almonds and apples and sprouts and
oil and shoyu is really good btw, if you can find it :)

Know about the wheat allergies to gluten and things? I knew a young A.D.D.
kid who definitally was worse after eating many common things, so he had
a really restricted diet.

Anyway yea its that time of the year now, need to be lighter and bouncier and
clearer and more direct. 4-6 hours of sleep and lots of activity. I can't complain.
I seem to deviate from the plan because of outside influences and emotions,
which I think guide most of my eating decisions, but less as learn more about
acid/alkaline and things. A lot of the online resources I found are located at
http://del.icio.us/terbospeed/food :)

Eatrawmeat.

a [complete] cycle of fire

2007-06-04T02:53:00.000-07:00

a complete circle of fire

I came up with the title hours ago. I was on my way to write about
the event. But since then several others have occured. I will begin
at the begginning.

I was given three dreams today. Dreams that I would take with me
across the country, in hopes of healing the senders of the dreams.

The first was given to me in exchange for some rolling papers that
I had no use for. A good sized piece of jade was given to me by Nick.
The dream was not the intention.

The second was given to me by Gabriella. She is an enlightened person.
Of course she has been paired with Marty for some time, and I think
that they are a great match in terms of pure energy.

The third was given to me by Barry Frazy. It was a peanut. It was
to be consumed.

Gabriella is always jumping up and down about something. For some
people it makes them ignore her and think that she is crazy. But
the first time I saw her, in her face, in her eyes, in her energy,
I could see that she was a very bright star. She recognized me at
that moment.

Nick I noticed walking up to the Community Assitance Program; he
reminded me so much of Gordon the young drummer that I jumped
outside and said Yo! Whats up! Since I havent seen G in months
and months. (Theme of almost everyone I saw today). As I was
shaking his hand, and he was saying whats up with as much gusto,
I noticed that he looked alot different than G up close. In any
case we struck up a conversation, because obviously two young
people at a place that usually helps [homeless] people probaly have
something in common ,or to share or learn. He was looking for
a free lunch.

Barry, I shall not write about this.

We were sitting in the community gardens. They were loud as usual,
there was hard liquor going around. At one point Gabriella approaches
me and asks if I can take a picture with my phone of me how I would
like to be seen. Of course; I told her that she could take as many
pictures as she wanted.

It took her a moment to figure out which way to point it. My screen
isn't visible in sunlight so she was turning it in all types of
obscene directions trying to figure it out. I've never seen anything
like so, (except for the next person who took pictures, later today)

I told her to press it and hold it down. The center button would do
everything. But I was not currently aware that it would only take
one picture, because I usually spazz press it.

So she was having the most outrageous conversation with me. It was
all inprov, and her mind was OUT THERE. She was using it to evoke
certain emotions from me, to feel and look certain ways for the
camera. It was amazing, I couldnt help my self.

After this she sat down, and thinking we had taken at least 20 pics,
found one. Oh well, she went into something about Rob-O thinking
she was a witch, so don't tell him. After this, she thought about
traveling across with me. I could probaly take a whole van,
physically, but not astrally.

She began something about race. She talked about me being a
virile, young, black male, who was intelligent. I thought to
my self, well, I guess, but add crazy too, distracting), and
she said some other things .. I told her my idea of why our
union of 3 was broken apart so violently, and that I thought
that there may be active energies out there specifically
against us (chad jake andrei).

I then took a photo or two of her. She then told me that she
wanted to give me something, that she had made. She said that
it reminded her of my dreads. It was a tight; perfectly twisted
strands of leather. I found no imperfections; she told me the
story behind it.

She was once a very balanced person. She holds MBA and an MBS.
She was also an engineer. These could be myths, who knows. (IDO)
So she gives me this and asks that I take it with me on the trip.
She told me that it likes to be oiled regularly, weather with
lotion, oil, or human sweat.

She asked me that if I could take it with me, and everytime I
saw it ask that one day she could take the Journey also, that
maybe it could just happen.

She is a saggitarrius. She said that she would follow me,
Aries, wherever I went. I would start it, she would end it.

the baby the adult the elder the spark the fire the coal

After she gave that to me I felt the urge to leave. As
she gave it to me I cried, realizing what she was asking
me to do. Save her. Help her in some way. She had been
addicted to methamphetamines for nearly 20 years.

I ventured to rainbow bridge to acquire liquid nutrients.
Thirsty. Sweating a lot. Green juice, coconut water. Mm.

Waiting to be served I ran into a lady whose name is quite
distinct. I immediatly remembered having met her. She stood
next to me, looked at me and smiled, and something old was
exchanged; I can't quite remember. I asked her if I had met
her before. She told me yes, and I had asked her that same
question. She told me before that, we met, and I didn't
remember her.

On the set of a Rosa Parks documentary. A few years ago.
I never got payed as an extra; but I had dreads that we
tried to hide in a pool scene so who knows if it was
even used. Lol.

I relayed that I was traveling, she said she was also.
She told me she had just returned from Alaska, and was
going to St. Croi. I could see the amazement in her face,
and how she handeled it. I almost jumped up in the air,
haha, Alaska ! But then I've been really excited all day,
at every ant and leaf and butterfly that passes by. lol.

She told me to go to L.A., and maybe in N.Y., to get an
emergency passport.

(I had to move my car - my phone wasnt working - and I think
that the guy sitting next to me called the cops! I have
never seen them just RIDE through the park, in TWOS. They
only come one or two at a time, but STOP and walk THROUGH
the park. I guess a sweaty black kid walking around with
a cell phone talking to himself half the time is kind of
scary establishmentwise. Geeze.)

Anyway Theory booklet no script improv lets all just act
out our pain

After meeting (I want to say Hypatia, but not quite) I ran
outside into 2 other beings who I seldomly meet who have
incredible stories, Sasha and Lonny Jr. It was incredible.
I don't remember it. But I may still. I then got someone
to take pictures of 3 black people in Ojai! All dreaded,
two young one old. Lonny's father has since cut his dreads,
but they were short. We're all shoulder-rockers.

Joanne Terry appears and takes lots of pictures for us.
Very cool. We have a long talk in the post office about
how her mail was returned when the landlord put 'family'
on the change of address form. She lost some portion of
her mail and it has bothered her since then so I went with
her to change MY address. It was a most hilarious situation,
I just wish I had brought my tape recorder along the ENTIRE
day.

I then went and hung out with Matt Sewell. Hes been really
kicking butt and burning all the pages with names on them.

The company he works with is iLike.com. Kick it to that name.
A million dollars for it! I would! Last week, on facebook.com,
after releasing the iLike library to the public, they recieved
1,300,000 new users signing up. As we were sitting there
for 20 minutes discussing it, 2000 more people signed up.

Ok, stay calm now. I really hope they can offer value added
services that are ahead of the curve. This guy needs to be
rich, torment is a bitch.

Ok after that I checked online and found that I had insulted
the person with which I would like to make amends. I wish ..

Time tells. Say hi if you want to comment here. ;X

I don't know what to do, I need a camera crew, to just follow
me around and record what I do .. but an invisible one, because
truckloads of gear kind of make people act ... differently ...

sometimes i think i am a shaman - with no focus

2007-06-04T02:50:00.000-07:00

Before pasting what I wrote, I wanna know why I have to be listening, viewing, or reading something.
Why can't I just be sitting in a still and quiet room. Or something. Anyway. I dont wanna know.

Sometimes I think I am a shaman.
Then I come to a place like Ojai,
and I know I am.

These people that I have met are incredible
individuals. Their recipies for reaching these
conclusions always appear differently. They all
share similar high-quality traits and experiences.

We share abilities, sensitivities, cycles.
Anyway, thats not what I'm here to write about.

I dont know what - er I'm gonna just write about
today.

Seat back, head back. Music playing, kind of destracting. But it doesn't matter.

On this day I was able to experience a movie so
well planned out that I feel blessed to have been
a part in it. I ponder and awe at the directors
and writers and other actors and the millions of
support crew that were required to make this day
happen.

With not enough sleep I became manic again and drove
at slightly dangerous high speeds down the 166 to the
33 mountain highway. The planned meetings were thrown
off to an extent by my reluctance to wake up and face
the day despite how much tired I could feel as I went
from sleeping awakeness to daytime awakeness.

I remember a dream involving me and my dad in the so
called basement, which isn't under a single thing but
the sky .. he pulls out a big black binder (one may
be visible around his office, im not sure) and says
hes going to calculate my mileage or something of
that nature. We have been having a conversation on
how to accuratly figure out gas usage, but he keeps
trying to tell me I'm doing it wrong, because its
really important to him. I kinda want to not go on
really wack roads that have no gas stations on them.
I like the idea of truck stops.

I left at about 8:30, arriving in Ojai at around
11am. What a crock, either the 30 minute wait as
they repaved the 166 .. two lane highways kind of
suck for that. But I figure that I incurred more
risk, and had more freakin fun, so .. I shall never
drive like that again. Unless situations require it!
(learned there ..?)

Ok so I like to remember whats going on and be able
to figure out the most important stuff and document
it because I am being shown things that I will need
to access later and also relay and transmit to a great
others.

Vida is great, shes into raw food. Her profile is
private though, it contains hundreds of her dreams,
so shes kind of sensy to that. But shes currently
blogging about that; I lived in a house with some
gourmet raw foodists .. I think they are still in
Ojai but doing mainly raw ice cream now. So much for
their dream, but it might not have been that feasible.
They were incredible people, but had their own
personality flaws, and did not seem to be able
to talk about that with the people they placed their
selves around. Very high energy/vibration, but I've
actually lived with so few of them that .. well maybe,
I lived in one place in Ojai. I could go to others ..
but I don't know, sometimes I just wanna see other
places. For free.

Anyway food is good, I drink coconut water, green
juice, ate 2 apples and a prune, and, umm, yea.
Yay! Yay! Yay I said yay! yay! (and a few raisins!
and my stomache began to hurt slightly.)

Uh, I will attempt to focus a bit; it will get
easier in a few days I suppose. I need to leave
soon, or when the time is right, or I'm too late,
but whatever, I'm gonna write ...

So what was so special about today. I'm just wasting
space. Arent I. If I had a hot coal placed to the same
spot each time I stopped focusing I THINK I WOULD LEARN
BUT I MIGHT SPEAK LIKE THIS FOR A FEW DAYS

Well a superhuman was reintroduced in a human form.
The memories of this super human will eventually fade.
The human is more valuable. These analogies are in terms
of how much mental pull a person has.

I chose to come and write here instead of trying to
remember if she would be up at 12am when shes working
at 9. lol probaly not ;)

The day has some subjects to remember. I had to consume
something that made me forget though. Just a little bit.

I wonder about the influence of my environment on my
dreams. I know when I moved to Josephs I immediatly
had interesting dreams.

I told Terry and Amber that I was not going to resign
myself to being a 15.99$/hr person, or $20.00/hr person,
thats another number .. I want to create art and try and
get as much for it as I can. Terry has incredible creative
ability but I've only seem him release it a few times in
the past several years. :(

One day. Jake is highly creative too, but his hard drive
just broke, as it was hanging in a BAD place, which *I*
didn't notice could have been easily moved, so it fell.
250gb of my music/videos and some of his stuff dead. :(
Plus he has no internet. He is probaly having a pretty
bad time actually. THERES NO PLACE FOR HIM TO GO.
(Well, he has reason, some other music apps)

Except with me, and I just instinctivly shrugged,
unconsciously. I wonder what that means. I mean, I
like doing for others what I wish someone would do
to me one day, and I guess thats quite a feat, so
maybe it would be a good choice. His GMA could probaly
fly him out of there if he REALLY wanted to leave.

Lol, otherwise its just me.

i don't think ive been focusing

I guess i have, scrolling up
I feel very weird. Its going to be pretty hard to get
past this initial discomfort. Then, comes the real pain.
After that is the bad stuff.

I have to read because soda is in this keyboard and it
makes typos for me! Damn. Foot cramps suck when walking
places. Ok well thats enough of the day time to go to
dream. ~~ and it got darker ... ~

on the defensive

2007-06-04T02:15:00.000-07:00

Last night it took around 2 hours of writing to finish that blog entry.

After I felt it was done I lay in my old van, which was absent of everything
allowing me ample space to lie down. What a laugh!

At around 4am I fell asleep. Yawning but not able to follow through.

This is about my parents.

Yesterday in the hour long talk with my grandmother she expressed
intrest in helping me publish my writings.

This morning my dad told me that he bought me a book to read,
that he thought would be helpful.

And these situations describe the great amount of disconnection
we share.

First off, my writing is published. It is unorganized.
It has been so for some time. My main interest has always been
in performing, and not writing. And not selling, getting payed to
perform. And if I don't own a microphone, or a decent computer,
or a video camera, hows I'm supposed to do that now?

Especially without a good place to record, a studio, or a large
enough van ...

So my toughbook is showing its age. The battery won't hold a full
charge after less than 2 years. And of the FEW things that can go
wrong on this machine, the power connector is wobbly. So I've
been asking for help getting a new laptop for ages; but my grandmother
tells me that she'll help pay to get me published. ?!?!??!

It's not even really about the equipment, its nice, its more about
the energy of the space I am creating _in_. I've not found a place
that has good vibes and will allow me to fully express. Yelling is
definitally necessary and no ears get to hear it until its done;
thats why everyone has such small houses and properties right?

The house in NYC was DEFINITALLY a place I could be creative.
Makin beats in the attic! Skirtin danger in the basement!
So many rooms to enjoy! Lol. Now everything is 1 and 2 stories.

So beyond them not seeming to want to further my creativity ...
My grandmother said that she read the hundred pages of my
old blog. I call her bluff! Maybe she's changing, but her conversation
doesn't seem to be much at all related. I tell my dad over and over
again that I write a lot; he says that he wants to help.

They repeatedly go, "what can we do!?!" after I explain something
that would help. It goes through them and has a better place on the
wall they are standing in front of. Conspiracy!

So this morning my dad wakes me, asking me to park outside so
I don't take the gate clicker. I've had around 3 hours of sleep. No
glasses, eyes full of sleep, stumbling with a half lit smoke, they
decide to try and push negative energy into me, because thats
all they have a lot of the time.

He bought this book. I saw it a few days ago, and didn't like it,
from the cover. Maybe to do with the book that I ALREADY own
that I've been trying to get through for .. around 4 years now.
Written by a very advanced being. About subjects that are very
rarely covered. I remember earlier this year trying to explain
what was in the book, and why it was so important, and tryed
to get him to take some time away from his job and house to
read it with me.

Unfortunatly he tells me, this morning, with the 'new' book he has,
that its "my" problem and "I" need to read the book. I begin trying
to explain to him that I havent desired to or been able to read a book
since before I had my hair. I just don't find interest in focusing. Nor have
I even watched ANY videos over 20 minutes. But when I say this to him
he wants to put me on the defensive, like everything I've said means more,
not what it was, and then it needs to be proved.

3 hours of sleep. I wanted to scream my lungs to the sky.

I was unable to retire after this. Quite angry at their indolence.
My problem. Your problem is that you're afraid of something I
have, and something you've done. Your problem is that you've
put your priorities before all of your kids, because "your" life
needs work. We never realize that we don't have individual lives
and that the lives of the people around us effect us greatly.

Like I've put up with trying to take care of jake for ages ..
we don't even share blood ..

Speaking of Jake I brought him to bakersfield so they could see
the shape he was in. Brenda "ignored" it, as she does with a lot
of things in her life. Fred thought he was ok, but a little out of it.
Oh how wrong, he was basically useless, and couldn't complete
one single task to save his life. So they never saw him for what
he was, fubar.

Now I've got a little tired, and the same silly situation to go to
after trying to communicate to these people I've known for so
long. I think Keiter said it best, in a sad drunkenness:

"I've known him for (some time over 20) years now. If he can't
figure out what I'm doing, and why I'm doing it, then theres something
WRONG.".

Leave it to a derelict to speak truth so simple. It goes both ways though.

My thoughts are too strong. I live in my head. I can feel it. It makes it
hard to feel others. Almost impossible.

I still don't communicate well with these people. /sigh

To which Nelly mumbled:

"My thoughts are too strong. I live in my head. I can feel it. It makes it
hard to feel others. Almost impossible."

I feel the frustraition dripping off your words. I think some people are destined to be always misunderstood. We see the world differently. That same view, allows us to create art that touches other people and allows them temporarily to see the world through our eyes. That same view, undoubtedly seperates us much from other people.

Hang in there. My family thought I was crazy for a while. Who's to say I'm not? Why conform and be normal. I say the sky is purple and god damn it, IT IS!!!!

Nelly

Whats up with your status as divorced, 19 years old, 4' 2" & more love?

Nelly

.... skys purple

oops i've said too much.

2007-06-03T03:06:00.000-07:00

its just one of many moons though.

Re:

you said too much, but didn't say the right things.

pfft.

you're right about one thing. this is one of many moons.
they come around on a regular cycle.

and you should never abuse a full moon.

it was more than just a dream

2007-06-03T02:58:00.000-07:00

Waking up to the usual .. but wait, it was more than just a dream!
That is part of todays theme.

Cessation of smoking causes a release, or at least, a greater awareness
of the dreaming processes. So the first dream I remembered upon waking
was short, a mere moment.


She was standing in front of me. I felt affection and embarrasment.
Though it did not seem like we were about to kiss, that is what it
felt like. She came closer as I noticed my vision was basically seated
on the back of my tongue. She was peering into my mouth, and I was
opening it, as she expressed some sort of amazement or awe.

This was the dream I woke from. As I continued through the day,
another dream's memory would be released by a similar, waking
act.

So, after reflecting on this for a short period, I walked around my
dads property (more like, from the car to the patio and back),
and thought about the discomfort I felt. I usually wake up with
something to remove the grogginess. This time, my dad came
out and we spoke of plans; somewhere I picked up a little
inspiration and finished cleaning out my old house, then took
it to get vacuumed; it still needs to be detailed.

So after this cleansing task, I put on the album by Sekou Sundiata.
I find it hard to not see prophecy when he speaks. He narrated my
experiences and thoughts for just under an hour.

His words: "After 27 years running behind time, but he could never be late .."
Opened up the album. "Once I married a women when her back was turned.".
"Its not the heat, its the humidity .." ..

I checked my email and found .. I don't know what I found,
that was so profound. But I considered this to be
the beginning of my day.

I found a link; I want to relate this.

She was human like me. If thats what I am; shes like me.
And she wants to live. She wants to live her dreams.
I bet she could speak with ease. Her vocabulary teases me;
what else do you know? Shes just human, I keep reminding myself.
Our parents were super-heroes; what does that make us? ...
Just people who can create that one day. Its something humans do.
They find mates for one reason or another.

I like the explanation but why does it feel so .. un-natural?
I avoid the interaction women bring. I think they have been
abused by us. The cycle started outside of us both though.
Thats my idea on why its so hard to get someone to reveal
to you what you already saw in their eyes and body movement,
in their voice and choice of words and bursts and losses
of energy.

Some seem to take this information and use it for leverage.
Some power. So my image of me becomes your image of me.
My words are now the words you would use. In this exchange
it seems lies the problem; a sensitivity. I think this is
one step in love; the second is being aware of the energy
that can cause so much influence. Its easier to hurt those
closer, when you don't know.

"He was thinking about the secret of life ..."

This energy fades. Initial infatuation. Now for the work.

Honestly I'd really like to stop thinking of my self in this
tiny perspective. I'd like to take on someone elses. I've gone
years looking this way and no one will help me tidy up. How odd;
I can't find my place no matter where I am. Or, its always changing.

I've got this image of me and I know its wrong.
I need to use your eyes for some time.
You will be able to use them too,
in a growing context.

In a tree somewhere a nest of young sparrows was being expelled.
A few of them could not fly; we saw one in a tree, and when I
got closer to see him he flew .. low and with obvious struggle,
but he flew, right into the half-opened window of my van.
Luckily he wasn't flying very fast. As he fluttered closer
to the rear-view mirror it appeared as I would have a new pet.

Then a fellow flying sparrow came to him, and they both flew
back to the tree.

Later on, I saw two other birds jumping on the ground. I fed
one some cracker crumbs; he was sitting under a bush trying
to sleep .. and let me so close that I could tell he was
exhausted. He stayed there all day, but when I went back
to check after an hour or so he was gone. I'm guessing catfood.

Dad said don't feed him too much because he might think thats
how life is.

As I left the house again across from the swap-meet parking lot
was a group of kids playing music, with trumpets, violins ..
I can't describe what this music was. :O

Its odd; though the day felt very long, and I felt like I had
energy, all I have to show is one suitcase packed full of clothes
and a (cleaner) van to sell. Oh, and one less pack of ciggarettes ..
(and a couple more pages)

For some reason after the profound yet simple inspiration I
received electronically I began to think differently. Maybe,
to suit the sender. Well, my heart begs for these changes too.
(and my lungs, and my g.i. ..). The cravings did not 'go away'
they completely disappeared. Therefor this was one full day of
conscious sobriety...

After being majorly manic most of the day I decided to buy
more smokes. I was immediatly calmed. Not a sleepy calming,
like cannabis, but calmer than I WAS. I don't think it works
continually, which is why they sell them in such large packages;
if I had one I might have been ok. :X

Its weird how I have delegated control of my moods to so many
external entities. I'm stupid enough to know that removing
such (apparent) power from ones self is a total loss; but
some times the benefits of this habit can outweigh the negatives.

Today I realized the exchange that took place in January of 2004.
I traded some of my mental capability and capacity for
the ability to channel this art.

Without the ability to communicate what is it worth though?
My mind, if it cannot be expressed. If it is begging to connect
with anothers, but lacks the ability. What is it worth?

I realize that this art will become greater with time.
And it will touch more lives than I could have ever with
my mind alone. So I accept some loss of my self. I basically
cannot be present while I am channeling; ego would get in the
way. So we're desolving ego, I hope.

Anywho. Its warm here tonight. Every night. The moon is just
rising over the apartment complex, and it looks clouded though
they are invisible in the sky. It is finally waxing.

As I wrote that I found this page on Yahoo Answers:
Whats the difference between a waxing moon and a waining moon? by Chelle
(this computers name, without an e - like a shell).


But then I got tired.
I pray for positive inspiration.
Greater connections.
Healing.

She allowed me to call her. I felt blessed, one step past infatuation.
Though she may be very busy, I perform the role of the wind and float.
There are times when I am better suited for communication. But I realize
that I feel uncomfortable calling busy people; except my dad. I think
I feel like I'm bothering them, especially when they are aggitated by
their constant movement; now trying to relax. So I called her once
making sure to miss the voicemail; I dont even want to use the phone
really but 72 hours of driving is just a few days away. Which is
weeks in reality .. lol. So I'll close my eyes and imagine hers when
she speaks. Listen beyond her voice. Try and imagine her face speaking.

"I dont know much, but I seen a few .. and a few things have seen me too."

"by the time you read this, i'll be gone."
but if you ever need to find me; i'll be in this poem"

To which she spoke from her neck:

I wonder if you're already gone. When I got home I saw the call on the caller id. It was pouring outside and I stopped to wait for the bus not wanting to get my books wet walking the 6 blocks from the train station. You missed me by minutes or I missed you by minutes.

72 hours isn't that long. And you're calls would be welcome regardless. Anytime of day, that I'm home, I'll pick up that call. I sometimes screen my phone calls, but I'm available when I'm available.

Still sleepy. Today is a coffee day, too bad I hate the stuff.

Nelly

=)

Thats 72 hours straight BTW.

Hows bout now? :)

I'm just fighting groggy myself.

then a hummingbird flew up to me

2007-06-02T03:06:00.000-07:00

I heard a low buzzing behind me, and turned to see a hummingbird 3 feet from me. He flew back and forth, darting inches like he was the weight on a pendulum hanging from the sky. As he did this he flew closer and closer, inspecting me like I was a potential source of nutrients.

I don't know what this all means; I've not been so close to these birds except for on 1 or 2 occasions; I've also not felt this broken for some time either.

Laying here feeling overwhelming exhaustion, unable to sleep, a szeroquel was found in the old van ..

I remember what happened last time time. Just too much going on.

--

As I was writing this on the treo, laying down in the van, the two web browsers decided to not work, then the phone died. Since then I've taken the szeroquel, layed in bed more really close to the verge of sleep, but not there ..

Who knows. If I don't, who else will.

Current Activity

2007-06-01T17:32:00.000-07:00

I have been editing thyne myspace profile and as a consequence of being inspired by a lady there, have been posting my blogs there also.

tagged [tagname]

and if in doubt, pray

2007-06-01T03:19:00.000-07:00

i swear to tell the truth
and the whole truth
on a stack of upside down bibles
burning, my hands high rate survival

twist rhythm back and forth
i have a story and of course
it has not all been written

but those who play an important part remain hidden
unlock this soul and you'll be given
many restitutions
release you from damaged institutions ..
ha ha ha i've got freedom and it doesn't go far
you really want more
than me and all i can afford
so lets cut with no accord
ive got places high up in the trees where we can be
ourselves as far as our eyes can see ...

im just fumbling over words im trying
to release this animal thats so quote absurd
and you've played a part in whats observed
let me hit the curb, park it here for a minute
meditate on the exquisite
partical being that you may end in in your lifetime
seeing ......

im so chad darn serious of this motive
that i'd choose to vote my self out
in a death by knockout fist fight ...

ok i drank too much
smoke too little
ounces weighing on my bill
i can't wait to be for real ...

if you i could just touch
with intention dealed and vision organized to seal ....
i would hold on to your feel ...

yo, seriously, personally, N., if you
would simply wait until I approached you
personally face to face then maybe I would
be able to not feel like a disgrace ...

if you felt nothing from my something then
I would have messages building
and i would reorientate my so laar
appreciating the wind as it goes ...

empty mailbox though.

against them all

2007-05-31T03:14:00.000-07:00

my fingers are thirsty.
everyone keeps subconsciously depriving them of life quenching liquids.
i just want to not be thirsty for a long time.
why is that so hard?

all the energies seem to equate to being one percentage off
(often very much more) to getting the task done.

i got some words for that.

*&%(^#(%^&@#(%&^(!@&$!.

as im writing this my dad walks in trying to get me off "his" computer.
hes been trying to do that since im met him 11 years ago.
eediots..., and doesn't read what i write, and knows i have obvious
communication problems, and doesn't want me to spend my time
on a computer. dolt.

yes after i noticed that the emotional letter i sent to a women i would
represent was not responded to i began to sip this trippin brew
called rum to you ...

no iminspired greatly but an inspiration that would definitally end

mission accomplished. _^_

Re:

<--- dolt

if i said nothing then who would know
anything i throw is experiential so ....

Re:

at least I can look back at it.

from the gathering of all the shades of light and dark

2007-05-31T03:12:00.000-07:00

from the gathering of all shades of light and dark i observed many things:

mind and its functions and forms are common.
addiction is widespread and commonly accepted.
stimulation of the senses is seen as relief from these things.

Re:

Created under the influence of psychedelics.
The time and place is 2006, Boulder, Colorado.
I filled up a couple of notepads since my phone
died (being in the woods, not as many outlets ..)

This one page came to me. I don't even know where
the other pages are; burried under my newton with a
years worth of writing, which is on top of a box of
tapes spanning a few years, including some voices
that will never be heard again.

BTW I always try and give my self kudos. It doesnt work.
Maybe I dont like me.

I wonder why people hurt themselves. Specifically
why I hurt my self. And cause my self pain.
I've seen it again and again, my self making
situations break. Why is that?!?

the human condition / situation

2007-05-31T03:10:00.000-07:00

I recently wrote on this here and these thoughts surfaced.

That was Zen, and this is Tao.

In this world exists perfect balance. As a human the challange is to see this.
Our only method of enlightenment lies in our ability to see our perspective
for what it is; a tiny fragment in a greater creation.

All great classical writings referred to as religious or spiritual / mystical
contain the following points: They speak of a world greater than that which
we exist in, which is perfect, containing greater beings which interact in our
world; they speak of perfected beings who maintain a connection between
these worlds and change those around them to see the greater reality; and
they speak of methods for changing our experience to that of something
described as better.

Hinduism describes the world as an illusion, and the Buddha states that life
is suffering. The Sufi parable The Islanders explains that all things that we
consider human, all things nurtured by society, and all forms created by
culture, are in existance to keep us away from this truth. The Bible says
that you can only go to this truth after you die, but for the Christ inhabiting
both places was natural.

Many fully enlightened beings have walked this earth; these stories are
written or inspired by them. There is also a natural resistance to this truth,
and a degredation over time of facts, so today many people believe that
these greater existances are not for them, or will only come after they
perform some empty ritual.

The war is emotional, it is mental, it is spiritual. It is a battle of energy
versus energy, of subtle perceptions vs gross distractions. The strongest
do not survive in this battle field.

Because it is a common subject there are many ways offered which claim
to lead to richer, fuller lives. Differentiating amongst them can seem difficult,
but after having certain experiences you may know your own path.

One common mis-perception is that there is no one around who really knows
anything. There are many people who are very good at what they do, and a
few less who are performing their purpose, but a quick trip to India debunks
this myth. There are medicine men in reservations and cities across america.
And some people, somewhere, remember the psychotheraputic properties
of lsd.

So whats the point? What to do now? These thoughts circulate my head day
and night to the point of sending signs in my dreams and causing me to
hallucinate in the day. Many, many fragments exist. For me, focus and
meditation are prescribed. My body likes a certain diet that does not stimulate
my mind enough, and my innate physical ability is not being furthered.

My past is a secretive mystery not even known by me. Many events need
to be brought up and discussed. More art needs to be created. Yea, yea,
tastes good, mmm, throw some more art in there. You can never have
enough art!!

My dreams need to be studied, and lucid dreaming practiced. I also intake
enough substances for about 3 people :( But thats related to why I don't
dream and how I eat, and the unresolved past. Watching for some catalyst
to propel me on this journey to clarity ...

drunken freestyle

2007-05-30T03:17:00.000-07:00

I GOTTA YELL WHEN IM SLURPIN ON MYERS AND MANGO OH WELL
NO TELLIN WHAT FLAT HARD SURFACE I WILL BE TASTING
I TRIED TO GET HOME BUT OUR TIME I WAS WASTING
SHOULD I JUST GO IN A CORNER AND START UP FREEBASING?
MANY OF MY FRIENDS SAY THAT IT IS A WORTHWHILE HOBBY
THOUGH THEIR HIEGEN IS LACKING AND THEIR INTELLECT IS SHODDY
I NEED NEW FRIENDS AND IT ALL REALLY DEPENDS ON
IF YOU PLAY SOME MUSIC LIKE MINE AT YOUR PARTY
IM SAYIN
LAST MIC I GOT CONTROL OF I WASNT PLAYIN
THEY HAD TO CALL AN AMBULANCE CUZ MY BODY THEY WERE SCRAPIN
...

"PUT THE MIC DOWN! PUT THE MICROPHONE DOWN!"
"NO! ITS OURS! YOU'LL NEVER GET IT!"
"OPEN FIRE!!!!!!!"

TRIPPING ON ACID, CAN YOU DIE? I INQUIRED
AND IMMEDIATLY BEING INSPIRED BY THE QUIET
AS I LIFTED OVER MY BODY AND FLYING
LAUGHING AT THE SITUATION
I CALLED UP MY SPIRIT FRIENDS WITH NO HESITATION
WE FORMULATED A CIPHER
AND BEGAN TO RAP
BEATBOX AND SING
STOMP OUR FEET AND CLAP
AND THIS IS WHAT I WAS SAYIN ...

I DONT DANCE BUT INVENTED THE HEAD NOD
WAY BACK WHEN I WAS JUST A LITTLE GLOB
HANGIN OFF THE END OF MY DADS NOB
I BOOKED AND MOBBED TO THE FRONT OF THE LINE FOR THE APPOINTMENT
I REMEMBERED THE MESSAGE I GOT ABOUT THE ANNOINTMENT
SO JUMPED, SMASHED KICKED, PUNCHED PUSHED IN MALICE
TO BECOME THE ONE AND START WITH NO DISSAPPOINTMENT
IT WAS A CHALLENGE BUT IM HERE NOW WITH THIS JOINT KID,
INVOLUNTARY ACTION PLACED INTO YOUR MENTAL BY MY DANCE
WITH INSTRUMENTALS GET YOU STUPID RETARTED AND CRITICAL
OF THIS PROVENTIAL PROVERBIAL MURDURING HURDLING OVER
MASS SLAUGHTERED EMCEES IN QUARTERS MAKIN A CHANGE IN THIS ORDER YOU AUGHTA GET BEHIND OR BE CORNERED AND WATERED ..

I like daisys.

Lol, writing on projectplaylist.com that last sip took me over the edge ... now
to find a beat to put it on my voice mail. lawls. A little raunchy, but what do you expect when I'm slurrping.

Then I remembered Nate and Jake and jotted down the following:

YO IF YOU WANNA BATTLE BETTER BRING AN ATLAS CUZ IM SWINGIN AXES
ANY HEAD THATS MATCHIN THE DESCRIPTION THAT IM FITTIN
WHEN IM KICKIN SPITTIN MANY MENTIONS
GOOD INTENTIONS MANY MANY RHYTHMS
THAT IM SPLITTIN LET ME FLIP DIMENTIONS FOR A MINUTE
YO ITS NOT ABOUT EXTRAVAGANCE
ITS ALL ABOUT THE IMMINENCE
NOW GET A DICTIONARY SO YOU CAN FLOW BACK WITH CONFIDENCE
MY OBSTINANCE IS EVIDENT
MY DESTINATION IT TAKES ALL PREVELANCE
YOU'RE GOIN DOWN AS YOUR RHYMES LOOSE THEIR RELEVANCE
I NEVER FORGET LIKE THE ELEPHANTS
BUT YOU MUST NOT BE LIKE ME BECAUSE YOU'RE USIN THE SAME WORDS REPETITIVE
HERE TAKE THIS SEDATIVE
IN THE FORM OF WORDS TO LIVE BY
CIRCLES GET MORE PLACES THAN DO SQUARES BECAUSE THESE ROADS NEED FOUR BYS
SO REVISE YOUR ENTERPRISE
CLOSE YOUR EYES AND VISUALIZE
YOU BEATIN ME IS LIKE A BLINDS MANS DREAM TO SEE
ALL HOPES AND WHITE LIES
GO BACK TO THE LAB AND DO LINES
SMOKE BLUNTS DRINK MEDITATE WHATEVER YOU NEED TO DO TO MAKE YOU FEEL GREAT
CUZ RIGHT NOW YOU'RE LIKE THE ONLY ONE
WHO SEES YOUR CLOUDY SUN
AND IM SHININ TILL THE POWERS GONE
POWER SLIDIN AND RIDIN ON
BUT I GOTTA GO, THANKS FOR LETTIN ME FLOW ALL OVER YOU
I HOPE YOU GROW UP TO BE A GREAT RAPPER
I'LL TRY AND GET YOU AN INTERVIEW

a daze

2007-05-30T03:16:00.000-07:00

Here I sit in my fathers house, practically stealing energy from it,
with the intention of leaving and possibly making my own house.

My head is swimming. The passing trip is causing me want to yell in rhythm
but it won't come out. At least my throat is getting some excersize.
I keep loosing things and doing other tasks and starting new ones
half way in between. You would think it was the drugs; but I'm conditioned.

After one day of not sleeping (and a drunkeness that faded in a few hours),
I was in an altered state. It used to take lots more .. But now I am making
more changes when it comes and (trying) to reapproach old problems with
new solutions. Or so I believe; I wish for a person with a video/camera to
disprove me.

Every time I put energy into how to record these various anomolies they
change, even going so far as to hide. They are senstive to the thoughts and
waves from the mediums. What next, my own 24 hour surveilance? I have
no more room ... all of my computers are full ...

All of this just proves that its about time to make a change.
I'm going to place my self into a bunch of uncomfortable
situations on a road with some vague fantasy at the end.
I will rewrite the fantasy as time goes on to keep my self
moving.

I think I've done this before, I can't really remember. ^_-

All that is left until completion of this ending cycle is
is two vacuumings and adetailing. Then a sign purchasing,
some griffiti endorsement, and some retainer fee collecting.
Then I small formulate maps to NC and purchase a few
last moment items and split.

I personally hope I don't make it, how about you?

Part of me knows that I am too old to do this. I should
just settle down and have a family. But where? I am shooed
away from every four sided dwelling I come near ...

an evolutionary jump (repost)

2007-05-29T02:10:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, on marked occasions, I attempt to step out of the day to day
mold of my life and assume new roles and personas. These occasions often
incur large amounts of energy transfer. Discarding personal belongings,
changing living situations and habits, and radical diet alterations are signs of
the happening.

In this heightened sense of the world my connection with others seems
to be greater; but still remains transitory. I run across many people who
seem to be on similar paths, making similar choices, and we relate big
ideas in short succession.

However this particular path I have chosen seems pretty barren. The
tumbleweed is rolling; the signs are blowing around in the wind, the
compass is bipolar, and the map is torn, burnt, scribbled all over and
barely readable. The national language is not the one you were born
speaking, further confusing things, if that were at all possible.

Though disorientated amongst a 3D world with moving reference points,
I have managed to see progress, and the same signs pointing in the
same directions for some time. I've also jotted down a map, descernably
better than of that provided.

Each time this jump is attempted something in me and my life is changed
forever, but the jump is not completed. As energy does, the times when I
can finish this task are varied. It rises, peaks, wains, and dies.

I've ridden the wave. I fall off at a certain point.

Each human is designed to be self sufficient but support is always healthy.
The support I have been offered has felt dismal, and I am often too confused
as to where to go for help on my own. The result is that when the evolutionary
energy has left, so too has my own energy to keep the ritual going.

Even though much pain has been generated I feel that if this story is
documented properly it will have all been worth it. If it is not, what little
focused writing I have completed will serve as a dim pointer to
what this is all about.

[this went on, but went away, now i went to sleep]

As I age watching people whose lives I could have played a big part in
go on paths that further seperate us. This story is personal, spiritual, emotional,
and physical. I weave in and out of them unconsciously, soory.

I think people are unhappy because they are working the wrong jobs,
associating with the wrong people, have the wrong hobbies, eat the
wrong foods, and don't do the right excersizes. Or they don't get the
right outputs, or take in the right things.

Before that comes proper assimilation of the past, evaluation of past events
and decisions, and reevaluation as perspective grows. Working out obvious
personality traits that are contradictory is a long process.

In my world I experience an extended version of what I assume most
people go through in their late teens and early twenties. My workings
through this phase are not noticed as generating any real cause for
concern by those close to me. This causes me to believe that those
considered immediatly connected are only slightly so.

My belief removes my faith in the system of interworkings known as
the support group I was placed into, and pretty much makes me want
to do more drugs. I don't even know if they are detrimental or beneficial
at this point, for the long term at least, temporarily I have long term visions
of a world in balance.

This is a warning. It has been cried for many years. And what has happened
in those years is that I have become stronger and more aware. Combined with
that my internal chemical state has modified; certain foods really affect me now.
Certain moods are really etchy now; I have had many panic attacks that were
definitally related to drugs or the lack of them.

My physical body is in unknown condition due to a general distrust of white coat
people. My relationships are strained and distant, and even those who I think
to be really like me are far away and unresponsive. Are these excuses? No,
merely conclusions ...

Memory is definitally a greatly effected faculty. That is where this comes in.
Focus has also desintegrated. Oh well. The last woman I was "with" went
back to Germany and I heard shes having a kid and getting married.
Woo for her.

The one before that has gone insane, at least in my eyes, so concerned about
work and her own safety that she probaly wouldnt be suitable to produce
and take care of a family anymore ... when I met her she was better though.

Alone for what reason .. where are we going with this ...

travellin music

2007-05-25T02:08:00.000-07:00

i like how the windows rattle
and appreciate the feeling it provides in my legs ...

i've got everything i need, right?
two laptops, a two burner stove, two blankets,
a suitcase full of not enough clothes, a keyboard,
some movies and lots of music, and cruise control ...

well if i had everything i needed i'd probaly just
be sitting here getting fat working on my tan
workin on my dream span
workin on another story or another drink or
workin on watching what i think ...

and vice versa.

acting without rehearsal
improv is just that
said but not thought and
can't be taken as fact ...

so stand back ..
rel ... ok thats enough talking about food.

course the only cd i could find at first was themed revolutionary ... AWoL3 I think ...
"this is for the people who live in make shift houses and this is for the people
who cultivate food but live without it" ... yea ... i remember ...

walking down the street, not wanting to eat alone, or sensfully, again, and
i struck up a conversation with Jay and he offered me the rest of his rainbow
food. no choice; just waited. still a bit hungry; but as long as I keep my consumption
of food lower than my daily requirements .. then ... for what? I dont even know anymore

i dont know why i ever stopped writing. or talking. but i just want to listen. and forget.
again!

recent times have been strange. jakes intellect and communication skills and patience
are lowering; and to think, one of the few people who actually got me at one time.
i know what age may do to him .. i'm concerned with the effects of their meds on him
over time ...

today i touched a drunk dude after he gave me some tobacco .. and think now, how
few people share touch out here. its pretty bad. i think it causes overflow of emotion
buildup.

sometimes i wonder what all these signs mean ..
i write up some things, and one particular thing, and it is all
somehow erased ...

kind of laying back zoning out ... too tired to sit up and write really

so many questions ... so many topics .. so little memory .. so little
attention ..

going some place beautiful and taking pictures ..

i said girls aint nuthin but trouble and she said come on in ...
is that 2 sets of delusions?

so many souls hovering around and we're magnetiezd by so few ..
i see that as blatant illusion.

ive been coming to the point where i pray that whatever we do
we think of names first ...

ok so my recent posts i admit have been gibberish but its an attempt
at recording a bit of this stint because otherwise much is lost ...

- to be polished later

intention

2007-05-21T02:06:00.000-07:00

and internet).
! I feel an intense need for these device. Mmm. :X

"Never reveal your best argument." - How about if I just flood them.

I wander so easily. I'm kind of on the surface right now.
Deeper entails clearer information but more pain.
Kind of been highly receptive for a bit of time.
Gotta find out how to close that (or remember
for long enough).

For the record I will gain a firm footing in this land of myself
and probably stick a pole with an ever-burning flag into it.
Some place nice, with a view, and fresh water.
And shade.