Teh Encyclopaedia de Tchadwick [archived]

so i'm just having lots of thoughts
at one point in my life it seemed
natural, my thoughts

the albert hoffman collection is available at
http://www.erowid.org/references/hofmann_collection.php
and seems to be an incredible place for current
neurological and psychological students to go.
1138 is on. lots of good samples.

i didn't mean to do this to my self..
i can see sometime in the future, 20 years, 50 years,
100 years, the psyche and its physical/chemical nature
being much better understood. thats not all though,
the social side of humans may need re-examining ...

$950 a month to live in southern california. who is
kidding who? Assuming some miracle place for less than
$700 .. lifes kinda hard. whats the use of the skills
now? cannot concentrate, prioritize, socialize.

whatever you want in this world you will get it.

the nature of perception - you will find something
that matches your idea of what you wanted, while
ignoring all that does not match.

a book needs to be written about perception.
if its already been, i wouldn't even know how to
craft a google packet for it.

[gatorade&beer]

so many days go by .. so what did you do?

after all you did what did it matter when
you saw me?

lots of why no how.

a hodge podge meal of scraps left by our
overseers, ourselves, not to be confused
with I, that which manipulates.

drugs that alter focus:

which could be the foundation of the human consciousness -
focusing on a problem, and keeping that problem in mind
while evaluating related solutions ..
a lesser being doesn't know what to focus on, instinct and
survival use much of the time spent in thought.

i was told that %70 of all inner thought is negative.

i've realized that i am paralyzed in fear, and wonder
about all of the "other" parts of me that i don't
acknowledge, those negative parts stuck in painful
thought loops ..

blogspot.com exclusive!

got a room for a week with a friend.

jake is like a little kid.
you can't trust him to do anything correctly,
pay attention to anything, or even communicate
with him effectively.

he doesn't seem to notice, and gets upset when
you point out that he stopped focusing on what
he was doing and came up with an incredibly
unpredictable result, like putting a cigarette
out in the coffee or borrowing a phone to make
a call, and returning it powered off ..

now thats hip hop.

theres enough for everybody.

You Have Five Seconds To Remember This Sentance
You Have Five Seconds To Remember This Sentance
You Have Five Seconds To Remember This Sentance (you'd remember after the third time)
(it stops repeating but you still are under its effect)

my mind is no longer a tool and is more of a means for
entertainment, on my behalf, everyone gets to laugh at me,
and my stunted progress, my apparent high functionality,
with the dismal results.

family that encourages the dysfunctional behavior,
unconsciously, who am I?

watching a 12 and 9 year old mimic their parents responses
on *certain* subjects, but word for word, with a similar
tone .. do they rehash these utterances and decide what
is compatible with "them"?

death seems like the shortcut to all of these experiences
I am due for, all of these struggles and successes, but
reincarnation and karma have got me thinking ...

i only got here because earlier versions of me struggled
and succeeded. i inherit their essences.

wanna drink?
*wanna smoke a rock?*
?wanna shootup?

that easy

up to you to decide

you and all of the billions of connections that you will make throughout
time, past and future, and all of the influence your sentience will exert ..


if i could just focus.

im watching jake travel through his mind, and take notice of the
world occasionally, clumsily, as an afterthought ...

i'm apt-get dist-upgrading and watching hundreds of packages be held back,
and installing scratchbox and maemo 4.1 for the nogate ..

i'm confused ...

straight to the presses, if we had time to edit the revisions would have
been much better ..

but we're in this room with an hourly rate. so no time to dilly dally,
must sleep now.



i tell you

i swear!!

when i was young i wanted to compile an openbsd box from source
then compile it again after booting the results.

wish i could do the same with my mind! that outside place,
that room with that chair and that monitor and keyboard that
connect to such a system, that room is destroyed, in permanent
hurricane territory, tornadoes and sharks and terrorists and
hippies all inhabit this room, all with weapons of mass confusion,
dealing their death of distraction, loud noises sounding,
lights flashing ...

a twist of the tongue and a twiddle of the pen

who am i telling this to? obviously not you.

"if you are not properly sedated, please dial ..."



the effect and the side effect

the now and the then

just need some inspiration!
ok, got tonnes.

too much, actually.

this would have been great after lots of positive conditioning
but not after hardship after hardship

how did this happen .. i remember, being a child, making these
decisions, with this *feeling* guiding me the whole way ......

fear. forgetting everything but it.

though we live moment to moment attention extends and makes
us indefinitally immortal ...

though knowing that is a fatal fact.

hum.

[kiss the apple]

almost the sleep .. at least body knows how to talk to body
sometimes

me and jake seem to have the same problems, maybe thats why
we are friends despite having totally different outlooks on
the world ...

watching them screw up their minds then ask for help,
be consumed by various entities and forces while
knowingly seeking more ..

i mean really, these thoughts come hours after ingesting,
who couldn't deny that in this position they would repeat
the same actions over and over .. but no one has been in this
position before, exactly, to the degree, so who is to say?

not i.

struggles and successes. struggles and successes. cut and paste.

rest oncoming. but is it really rest?
i type with my eyes closed, does that mean i am asleep?

i wake up mid sentence