Teh Encyclopaedia de Tchadwick [archived]

A Talk regarding the current conflict in Darfur, T'Chad, Africa,
and the passing of Micheal Jackson.

I am sometimes harsh and seemingly insensitive to what others
around me believe to be the truth.

This is because my own ideas of truth are generally far departed
from any consensus, and I have a difficult time expressing my
self, beyond these words and the conversations I may have.

So let me attempt to clarify what I have recently said.

I remember in the late 80's the popularity of Micheal Jackson.
I can clearly recall the huge color TV in the living room of
my house in NY. Whatever was on TV, would easily be interrupted
by the new song by him. I remember Bad, Thriller, and a few
other videos being put on irregardless of what was on; the
president could have been speaking, and, awp, Micheal has
released a new video, and we have to cut to that.

I really enjoyed the music; before I was a teenager I was
not very interested in music, but the vibe of Micheal and
his music was very inspiring, and I may have even danced
a little bit.

On facebook I made a comment in a thread regarding his
passing. I stated, quote, "I could give a damn about one
celebrity passing, when possibly hundreds of Indigenous
people carrying spears were slaughtered by police from
helicopters with absolutely *no* coverage."

I do not wish to disrespect his passing, or state that I
do not like him. However in the grand scheme I do not think
that it has as much relevance as the recent events in
Devils Curve, Peru, or even the conflict in Darfur.

I attended a party at the Full Circle Farm last night, and
they were asking for donations to send to the children in
Sudan, who were being taken from their families and sold
into Slavery.

My understanding is that in Sudan, hundreds of years ago,
there existed *no* problems on the scale that we see today.

It is my belief that the Way Of Life and the level of
Privilage that most Americans have experienced is directly
due to the exploitation and lack of human empathy that began
on a large scale with the subjugation and control of the African
continent.

So when I first came to the party here, surrounded by, excuse me,
caucasians, I felt extremely out of place. I felt that the fund
raising was in jest, in some ways it is conscious, and an aware
movement, but on the *grand scheme* it would be all but impossible
to explain my view on why all of these people have been able to
enjoy such privilages as having time to be aware of domestic and
governmental conflicts abroad.

So I did not feel well. I felt angry in some ways. I still feel
this way, disconnected from the consensus, because I find it very
hard to say "this computer I am typing on is filled with precious
metals from third world countries" and "everything that is imported
into America is shipped using large amounts of natural gas, which
is ultimately taken from places like Nigeria, and South America".

As I found these things out it made me want to simply leave this
place. No matter how aware they get, it will take them quite some
time to understand that any importation of goods, any interaction
with so called Third World Nations, amounts to agreeing to this
slavery, agreeing to this seperation of natural peoples from their
original ways of life.

No matter how low the gas consumption of my car, no matter if it is
a hybrid, or a tiny electric vehicle, the machine behind it that
creates these goods, is ultimately evil.

No matter how organic the food I eat, there is always going to be
Ecco-Aparteid, people who really need health, but will never be
able to afford it.

As long as we are in a culture that cannot exist on its own, and
"requires" goods and importation from other nations, we will all
be perpetuating the slavery and destruction of foreign lands and
people.

No amount of donations to them will stop it. Someone said, that
in Sudan, there *is* no currency. Do you know why? Because there
has *never* been one except for that which was imposed by
colonialism.

One point I have. I do not ask questions. I create solutions.
So it is difficult for me to learn from others. But I do listen
intently to everyone. And I would like to hear all view points.

--

I finished the last paragraph of this writing in the company of
the people who sponsored the party. They said that at least $1000
was donated for the cause of slavery in Sudan. They had pledged to
match each dollar donated and send it off to the Sudan.

With so much cultural pressure present I had no inclination to
discuss my views of what was going on. Each person there seemed
to be very well off, very set in their ways, and very aware that
their way of life would end. They were just enjoying it while it
lasted.

In the 50's a woman was diagnosed as having
had nervous breakdowns after a move from
(then only a territory) Alaska to Texas.

She was prescribed Thorazine, and perpetually
kept in a state of complete sedation; when not
going in and out of mental hospitals.

I talked with the womans daughter for quite
some time. She told me that she thought her
mom was just really tired all of the time,
but learned later in her life that Thorazine
was a very heavy sedative.

Her mother had married a Caucasian man,
from which three children were born.
She told me that while in school, it was
forbidden to speak her native "Indian"
language.

As the spanish had come to america and
decimated the indigenous population and
integrated the remainders, her mothers
last name had been changed to "M******",
and from her father the name H********
was attached.

We slowly drove through the mountains of Santa
Barbara having this discourse.

I came to the conclusion that if you had, for
many generations, spoken a language, had various
customs, various leaders, a history, healers, etc...

And they were taken away. Systematically destroyed.
And then *laughed at*. Invalidated. Would you choose
to integrate, adopt your enslavers ways? Language?
History?

A history that told you that the people that you came
from, the "darkies", were basically some form of
unevolved, uncivilized people, and that all of their
history was wrong?

My first impulse would be to kill every fucking one that
looked like my enslaver. But we all know that its deeper
than that.

As the enslaver has sat and thought, at great length,
about the subjugation and destruction of the planet that
he was trapped on, I will say that the problem has been
extended into the realm of language, so that the people
of subjugation will begin to subjugate themselves.

She told me about an experiment where young african slave
descendants were shown two dolls, one white and one black.
They were asked which doll was the "good" doll, and, each
one invariably pointed at the white one.

They were then asked which doll 'they' were, and, again,
they pointed at the white doll.

Well, I digress, this story has been played out and told
over and over again, to the point where most don't even
really care, understand, nor have any sympathy. Most have
simply integrated, as it is easier, dissolved their ancient
identities, and accepted the reality that their enslavers
has presented as true.

I have not, will not, and will never, and I will die with
the knowledge of my past, no matter how distorted it is,
no matter how much of it has been destroyed, this is not
my home and I will never accept it. There.

So systematic destruction has been common place. In fact,
so many people cry about the Jews and the Holocaust, but,
please, please, eugenics was a program of destroying all
races that were thought to be "lesser" than the 'civilized'
white man (who could not even value human life... right)
and the Holocaust was the 'largest' of such persecutions -
but before that *many* races were experimented on and
tortured.

So, to me, making a big point of the Holocaust being so
damaging to the human race is actually a way of distorting
the truth of what the program of Eugenics was about.


Destroying all people non-white - and Hitler was not the
only one taking part in this belief system.

Location: Devils Curve, Peru.
Date: June 5th, 2009

Indigenous Weapons: Spears, Bows & Arrows
Police Weapons: Machine Guns, Tear Gas, Armored Vehicles

While there is very little news coverage, very few pictures,
but a lot of internet press, it is said that the people were
protesting the sale of some 200,000 sq. miles of their territory
to be transformed into mining properties and deforestation
projects.

The police began to fire their automatic weapons and tear gas
directly into the crowd, and while it is simply ludacris to
believe these killers and thieves, they say somewhere around 20
police were killed, and 70 indigenous.

This is very recent news, it is very covered up,
and it is directly related to every single Affluent persons
support for their comfort and way of life.

My belief is that this level of industrialization has only
been sustained for two to three generations at most, and
will only be able to sustain for two or three more generations,
at most.

It is fine to be caught up in the new release of cell phones and
fancy cars so that you can't see reality, and only run from
appointment to appointment. But know that you are a sheep, a sheep
pulling a boat of proportions grander than you can even see, which
carries the carcasses and blood of every murdered and enslaved
indigenous person from every part of the globe.

Remember, you support it.

Labels: indigenous culture destruction comfort affluent

Bases of cultural differences

Self construal
The way a person perceives her/himself in relation to the surrounding human environment affects one’s emotional world. Collectivistic cultures emphasize the fundamental relatedness of individuals to each other, for example by valuing attending to others, fitting in, and harmonious interdependence with them. Thus the self in collectivistic cultures is interdependent, and the individual is focused predominantly on his or her relationship with ingroup members or with the ingroup as a whole. In individualistic cultures, on the other hand, individuals hold an independent view of the self and seek to maintain their independence from others by attending to the self and by discovering and expressing their unique inner attributes.[3]


Subjective vs. objective emotions
The view of the self as independent in individualistic cultures leads to the perception of emotions as a unique personal experience. The emotional reality is therefore taken as subjective: different people are expected to have different emotional worlds, and to react in different ways to the same experiences. On the contrary, in collectivistic cultures, emotions are experienced out of relationships. They reflect the outer, rather than the inner world and are therefore taken as objective: it is assumed that all people experience the same emotion in a given social situation.


Self and emotions
The construal of the self affect the personal emotional experienced. The need to enhance the self and its independence in individualistic cultures leads to prevalence of emotions that stress the uniqueness and separation of the individual. In collectivistic cultures emotion relate more to the relationships with others and to the fitness of the individual to its social environment. Hence, the same situation might lead to different emotions in collectivistic and in individualistic cultures. In a research held by Mesquita (2001) it was found that achievements related to higher education in Turkey (a collectivistic culture) led to pride as a result of the honor brought to the family, while in Holland (an individualistic culture) similar achievements led to self satisfaction and content.


Cultural norms for emotions
Social norms exist for various aspects of emotions.

General emotional norms: what emotions are considered to be good or bad? Which should be more prevalent?
Feeling rules: how should one feel when encountering certain event (does being criticized lead to anger or embarrassment?)
Display rules: how should one act when experiencing certain emotion (does anger manifest as aggression or withdrawal?)
While individualistic cultures are loose regarding to the display rules (one can express one's feelings as preferred at the moment), norms for positive feeling rules in individualistic cultures are very tight. According to those norms, one should be happy and strive for happiness, and if one is not happy, that means one has failed to achieve life’s goals[4]. In collectivistic cultures such as China, the feeling rules are rather loose: there are no strict expectations about how one should generally feel. However, the display rules are much tighter: there are certain expectations about the way one should show one's feelings in a given context. For example, Confucian cultures consider expression of emotions (both positive and negative) as a possible threat to the social order. Hence, the norms are of not-showing personal emotions. One may feel as one pleases, as long as one doesn’t express it.

The "idea" is that in between you and me, in between your perception of
my energies and my expression of them, is various constructs of thought.

Each human has an area of their mind that is prepared to interpret the
signals and impulses that it receives, and control if this 'place' is
sought after by everyone and everything.

Of course its different for everyone, this "place", but the commonalities
can be found described in books that none of us will likely ever see.

Gaining control of this place is my own conquest, my own sovereignty, and
my own home.

At some point these maps begin to make themselves, fueled by the initial
momentum of the original programs. Its the kind of thing that makes people
wonder "why did I do that? ... or think that?" - because no, none of us is
under our own control and volition, there are just many people who play on
that fact in various ways.

You see, the truth is a fire, and I will now hold it.

"I'm from where their too pussy to come film survivor ..." Immortal Technique

peril, peril ye who walk here, for this is not real, not one bit of it,
only the strings holding it all together are, and even then, they are
just strings ... [so watch how you walk. don't fall. all is sacred.]

I cannot believe that in 2009 there is still such serious devaluation
of life propagated all the way to ... well folks, I believe it goes all
the way to the buttons and screens you are pushing now, this unsustainable
technology that we are all becoming so comfortable with, these global products
that we consume and take advantage of and "need", though there is "no way"
to get away from it ...

well, thats in the box, but I'll tell you, I don't even got a box no more,
its just a fuckin dot. Try and get out of that. [they dodge, but thay cannot hide]

The fact of the matter is that at the age of 30, I feel awed and afraid and
*prepared* to walk up a long mountain road, to the utmost top, and receive a
vision from .. the elders .. the gods ..

The fact of the matter is that in 2009 most people find drugs by accident or
as a seeming escape, but 5000 years ago indigenous tribes *most likely*
routinely introduced the world of the 'real' and the humility of the
psychedelic experience to their young through ancient (then!) ritual,
when they were *teens* - 13? 14?

So as a culture we are immature. Knowing that now reject everything you
think you know or have been told and go crazy for a while, its *OK*, and
now try and integrate all of this "stuff" you feel with all of these things
you "suddenly" seem to know.

It is no mistake, there is no "god", there is no difference between science and
religion, there is no alternation between right-wing and left-wing, globalism
is capitalism is imperialism is slavery is right now is going on is tomorrow is
next year is ten years from now is your childrens future is their childrens future.

If you fucks don't all wake up and microscope on these Rothchild lunatics, or gods,
whichever it may be, pay attention to the fine points and government reactions to
the 9/11 farce, respond by accepting that the 'truth' will require a jarring to
your consciousness, unless you 'want' it to be 'gradual' - in which case you are
personally choosing to limit your awareness of truth and slowing down your trott
on the road to self realization.

I denounce all things popular, everything not chewed on and understood by my own
eyes ears hands and mind, even much of 'new age' and spiritual explanations for
the state of the world, (and I only say that because I'm *surrounded* by these nuts)

I can only add up that probably eighty-five percent of ya'll are in necklace, and
you can do the rest of the math.

I reject everything but my own intuition, and even then, I take turns fully rejecting
that.

Follow me.

For a moment, and then forge your own path. There are millions of unpaved roads
in this universe.

The only thing being utterly controlled has taught me is .. that I can utterly
control. It is a method, and those intuitive can decipher anything they see and
regurgitate it back with high likeness.

I shall only begin to work on what I must send to the future in absence of my
life, as these are going to be the only things that will last to possibly tell
the future of what has happened and that it may happen again.

Labels: peru

Please visit www.adapt2.us for further updates.

Thank you for reading.

Labels: redirect

Some modifications.

I am convinced that I have an idea
that many others do not have or
do not dwell on and recognize its
importance and relevance and utilization.


Dealing with this information is incredibly stressful, as is attempting to create a monument to reflect on this situation,

and either dispel the delusions of grandiosity or to put forth positive purpose and action into the world.

[Idiocracy]

A destiny is sketched out onto the backdrop chosen by a character.

A character is set of routines and 'policies' that are dictated by habits.

Habits are automated responses that are controlled by daily rhythmic actions.

Actions are manifestations that are created due to the power of thought and intention.

To quickly put reality into perspective, the idea that we all
inhabit an 'illusory' world as described by the hindus and even plato, is the momentum of thoughts which were put into place

long before we ever did, and which are the initial 'shell' into which a human being emerges into.

These thoughts, these cultures, these beliefs, these customs,
along with genetic tendancies, when left unknown, create a self-projecting illusion world, which
in nearly every way will synchronize with what is both actual and consensus, but depending on the level of immersion into the

illusion, will always lead to ... living life again in the shell. better luck next time.

From his eyes I could tell his thoughts.

From his thoughts I could tell his destiny.

So, to contextualize this all, I ran into a youtube video about HPPD: Hallucinogenic Perception Persistent Disorder.

If you don't know by now I do not categorize things as 'disordered' when I cannot
understand them -- especially when the body of knowledge that I am drawing on is
cultural and not objective -- when the body of knowledge that I am
drawing on is in its infancy (25 years ago this was the realm of shock treatment
and lobotomies, ya'll).

So I do not plant in my head that I have been experiencing HPPD for the past 10 years.
Because as the map above explains, (which is not complete - thought discrimination?),
what you think creates an expectation for what you think is possible - i.e.
your destiny.

So I put forth that a majority of "mental illness", "anti-social behavior", and other
selfish, destructive acts and modes of life, are a result of improper thoughts, on
whatever foundation, which is gained during childhood usually from genetic/environmental contact.

That is, your parents could have some pretty poor thought process for some fundamental
thing, either regarding self awareness, social awareness, productivity,
decision making,dealing with
emotions, self importance, mating, or any combination, which when given attention and
focused on can cause great disaster, as anyone in this world can see, having drastic
measures with bad plans results in ... having plans that don't really make sense ...
are just a result of momentum ...

What are some old trains of thought?

I believe religion is a great one.

In some ways it is a good thing, but overall I feel it to be a cultural legacy
which has outgrown its overall effectiveness and usefulness, though still serves
as a foundation for many things in this society, and world, through our societies
beliefs on its relation and potentials in the world.

Well, don't let it get to your head.

Who needs a creative, non-rational thinker in todays world? I do ..
society doesn't.

So, to drive the nail in further, the quest of the psychedelic
knowledge here has been drowned out by pleasure seekers, know-it-alls,
feel-instead-of-think hippies who have some of the ideas ... LOL!

I think the psychedelic experience is the key to gaining true insight
into the nature of reality and the distinction between what we percieve
and project and what is *actually* existing .. that amongst a lot of things - and I don't think people have to "do" the

drugs, either.

Medical marijuana is cool and all that ... but I think psychedelic
research is much more important, on a grand scale. Besides, drugs
being illegal is another faulty, useless, relic from the past that
needs to be 'updated' with better information and handeling.

So, relevance? These are all of my struggles at attempting to
stay sane in this insane world. Or, put properly, I had to go
insane to stay sane here.

Put another way .. freedom is great.
But with that freedom you have to create your own boundaries,
and somehow I forgot a lot of fundamental things that most people
are passed down and or know inherantly.

So this is my creating of a universe.

So tiring. Lots of stuff to fill in.

Why? Why is it so unique? Why is it so off base?

So I haven't written here in a long time.

Truth is, I haven't published any of my thoughts,
besides on facebook and a few other things.

My thoughts need to be highly documented.

I am convinced that I have an idea that many other people do not have.

Dealing with this information is incredibly stressful.

So, here are some random snippets:

"I'm tellin ya, if you put water on the crops, it might actually......
No, it will, [make the crops grow]!!!"

Ok so.

The main hypothesis here is as follows:

The human mind works in a sort of binary / hierarchal / relational way.
That is, from its initiation into consciousness and memory/expectation,
it equates things such as "this source gives life (breasts) and I will
search for similar forms when I mate" and "this form does these things,
they must be right" [in reference to the parent].... etc ... it builds
information based on "this means that, so this must mean that" and also
(matts input) also (based on these things) random "fuzzy" matching,
illogical and "jump" matches, but overall, based on these things ...

As Einstein said, (paraphrased) "what you perceive is a cumulation of what
you know and have experienced" - from the nonlocality talk, what you see
as possible and will attempt, is a 'reflection' of what you know. So this
was my supposition.

If what you know is hierarchal, and builds on what "was true" -- as culture
advances, as knowledge 'increases' - how do such "fundamental" ideas change
the knowing of later acquired information?

In the computer world, the analogy would be: the kernel/framework/foundation
changes, and all modules, and programs, need a 'slight' update to work
properly - that is, all programs that were properly planned in the first place.

So how does this equate to culture?

I believe culture to be a 'legacy' - that is, all popular culture, all consensus
reality, is a uniformly accepted 'transmission' of information, that essentially
is a past reflection and exaggeration of events that were not transmitted as they
happened objectively - a 'caricature' of what was 'now' and 'reality' at some point.

So, the supposition is as follows:

If we build our knowledge in a hierarchal nature - and one of the quite fundamental
relations changes state - how do we update the consequentially related information?

What is the 'apt-get dist-upgrade' to culture??

I will put forth that as man ages, the nature of his consciousness changes, and also how he acquires and equates information, which heavily effects his perspective
on the world and _also_ his expectations of what he is capable of, which ultimately adds up to there being a current cognitive dissonance which is widely accept as being "ok" in popular culture, which is greatly aged and stagnant, and needs to be updated.

Hot stuff ya'll. This is where we are. Religion and history as a self-reflective
record of where our thought and energy has been focused.

What do you spend most of your mental energy on?

As we think, connections are reinforced, other connections are way-sided,
and solutions are increased.

So what happens as we age? To our memory? And our ability to learn?
And our ability to concentrate and choose what to focus on? And our perspective?

And the ability to judge new information, and integrate it into our
entire world-view?

Just figured it out. Simpler than I could have imagined.

bash -c 'for a in X; do echo $a; done'.

That works perfectly for me because my main concern was
retaining the history of my commands, and not having to
delve into a script or vi window to do this repetitive
work. Funny, can't get the history of a function thats
supposed to make repetitive work easier. Hmm.

"we blindly searchin for answers ..." Thawfor - Savor the Moment

man. i'm fucked up. one of those fucked ups i've been working on
for a few weeks. i've decided to become an acoholic, but it isn't
going very well ... right now i'm seeing double and typing onto
a tv with bad resolution sitting in a chair at a bad angle.

and im drunk.

i've been drinking for weeks, five gallon steel reserves et al, but either i get really drunk quickly and have a good time momentarily or i just dont have a positive effect from the cause and drink with
the thought that i will get drunk motivating me.

either way, i'm drunk, i can get a ... no, noncoherent, lots of
forgots, like 500, but there is a point to this post, be it
entertaining or interesting, prophetic and delusional or imaginative
and blessed, there is a point.

from my research on psychedelics, both subjective and objective,
a majority of its ingestants exhibit subtle to extreme changes
in personality. of these ingestants, a small percentage of them
have horribly negative reactions. this is according to speculation
and perusing the abbie hoffman collection. personally i've lost my
mind, and control and regularity of my senses and memories, but i've
watched a close friend lose his entire personality and cognition,
partially due to inherited bad genes, partially due to too much
psychedelics.

i put the number of people who have bad trips that last a genetic
lifetime at five percent. these people have so called unstable
minds - are predisposed to having mental problems and issues. there
is no clearly defined classification of what these predispositions
are, but being a big head and watching lots of people, you can tell
them more times than not. lots of people take time to exhibit truely
psychotic tell-tale signs but you can see it in their eyes most often.

jake, jakes in that five percent, he's talking to himself, taking odd amounts of time to respond to verbal interaction, loosing pace
of what hes currently doing, and generally being absent, comotose,
being entertained by his "voices" and such. making weird faces
and arm gestures; grinning and smiling and laughing to the aethers.

my eyes are starting to cross. maybe food would help ... but oh
the kitchen is a mess.

the point of this story is that i am very optimistic in hoping
that i can be five point one percent. [smoke brek]

man, documentation is so useful. in various forms, varying
perspectives. incalculable.

i'm sitting here thinking of something to change
all of these ideas of advancement filling my mind
grand ol delusions taking my attention

buy something invent something change friends change
living situation change lifestyle change something

something, bursting point, over it, been there done that

so i'm just having lots of thoughts
at one point in my life it seemed
natural, my thoughts

the albert hoffman collection is available at
http://www.erowid.org/references/hofmann_collection.php
and seems to be an incredible place for current
neurological and psychological students to go.
1138 is on. lots of good samples.

i didn't mean to do this to my self..
i can see sometime in the future, 20 years, 50 years,
100 years, the psyche and its physical/chemical nature
being much better understood. thats not all though,
the social side of humans may need re-examining ...

$950 a month to live in southern california. who is
kidding who? Assuming some miracle place for less than
$700 .. lifes kinda hard. whats the use of the skills
now? cannot concentrate, prioritize, socialize.

whatever you want in this world you will get it.

the nature of perception - you will find something
that matches your idea of what you wanted, while
ignoring all that does not match.

a book needs to be written about perception.
if its already been, i wouldn't even know how to
craft a google packet for it.

[gatorade&beer]

so many days go by .. so what did you do?

after all you did what did it matter when
you saw me?

lots of why no how.

a hodge podge meal of scraps left by our
overseers, ourselves, not to be confused
with I, that which manipulates.

drugs that alter focus:

which could be the foundation of the human consciousness -
focusing on a problem, and keeping that problem in mind
while evaluating related solutions ..
a lesser being doesn't know what to focus on, instinct and
survival use much of the time spent in thought.

i was told that %70 of all inner thought is negative.

i've realized that i am paralyzed in fear, and wonder
about all of the "other" parts of me that i don't
acknowledge, those negative parts stuck in painful
thought loops ..

blogspot.com exclusive!

got a room for a week with a friend.

jake is like a little kid.
you can't trust him to do anything correctly,
pay attention to anything, or even communicate
with him effectively.

he doesn't seem to notice, and gets upset when
you point out that he stopped focusing on what
he was doing and came up with an incredibly
unpredictable result, like putting a cigarette
out in the coffee or borrowing a phone to make
a call, and returning it powered off ..

now thats hip hop.

theres enough for everybody.

You Have Five Seconds To Remember This Sentance
You Have Five Seconds To Remember This Sentance
You Have Five Seconds To Remember This Sentance (you'd remember after the third time)
(it stops repeating but you still are under its effect)

my mind is no longer a tool and is more of a means for
entertainment, on my behalf, everyone gets to laugh at me,
and my stunted progress, my apparent high functionality,
with the dismal results.

family that encourages the dysfunctional behavior,
unconsciously, who am I?

watching a 12 and 9 year old mimic their parents responses
on *certain* subjects, but word for word, with a similar
tone .. do they rehash these utterances and decide what
is compatible with "them"?

death seems like the shortcut to all of these experiences
I am due for, all of these struggles and successes, but
reincarnation and karma have got me thinking ...

i only got here because earlier versions of me struggled
and succeeded. i inherit their essences.

wanna drink?
*wanna smoke a rock?*
?wanna shootup?

that easy

up to you to decide

you and all of the billions of connections that you will make throughout
time, past and future, and all of the influence your sentience will exert ..


if i could just focus.

im watching jake travel through his mind, and take notice of the
world occasionally, clumsily, as an afterthought ...

i'm apt-get dist-upgrading and watching hundreds of packages be held back,
and installing scratchbox and maemo 4.1 for the nogate ..

i'm confused ...

straight to the presses, if we had time to edit the revisions would have
been much better ..

but we're in this room with an hourly rate. so no time to dilly dally,
must sleep now.



i tell you

i swear!!

when i was young i wanted to compile an openbsd box from source
then compile it again after booting the results.

wish i could do the same with my mind! that outside place,
that room with that chair and that monitor and keyboard that
connect to such a system, that room is destroyed, in permanent
hurricane territory, tornadoes and sharks and terrorists and
hippies all inhabit this room, all with weapons of mass confusion,
dealing their death of distraction, loud noises sounding,
lights flashing ...

a twist of the tongue and a twiddle of the pen

who am i telling this to? obviously not you.

"if you are not properly sedated, please dial ..."



the effect and the side effect

the now and the then

just need some inspiration!
ok, got tonnes.

too much, actually.

this would have been great after lots of positive conditioning
but not after hardship after hardship

how did this happen .. i remember, being a child, making these
decisions, with this *feeling* guiding me the whole way ......

fear. forgetting everything but it.

though we live moment to moment attention extends and makes
us indefinitally immortal ...

though knowing that is a fatal fact.

hum.

[kiss the apple]

almost the sleep .. at least body knows how to talk to body
sometimes

me and jake seem to have the same problems, maybe thats why
we are friends despite having totally different outlooks on
the world ...

watching them screw up their minds then ask for help,
be consumed by various entities and forces while
knowingly seeking more ..

i mean really, these thoughts come hours after ingesting,
who couldn't deny that in this position they would repeat
the same actions over and over .. but no one has been in this
position before, exactly, to the degree, so who is to say?

not i.

struggles and successes. struggles and successes. cut and paste.

rest oncoming. but is it really rest?
i type with my eyes closed, does that mean i am asleep?

i wake up mid sentence

We measured the speed
not by velocity
but by the absence of movement amongst other anomolies
stationary objects in focus
with blur stating only the obvious:
shifting shadows
lights going off tracked how we spotted em

Barely periphial and changing patterns
known by their accomplices
standing one by one behind each other
telling time for the audience
personal and intimate

the display was applauded
as it conformed to ISO 9666:
a standard party trick

doubled in intensity by the prism
exponentially mirrored in holographic bouncing bits
collected and reflected upon
then navigated to the resting spot

we took custody of the secrets left in plain sight
then ran to count and added

it was incredible math
as we reverse engineered their wrath
all the while stumbling and laughing

because the method through which we gained access
was by an unpublished exploit
fresh to your mind
but old in the circles we ran into
i tell you, i split in two
the hilarity was overwhelming
and discredited any positivity in their control
see you dont always need a compass
to tell which way ya goes . . .


So i was lost again
the dog was dead and burried
so i had to defend myself
from these crossing winds

six miles north
i could smell the rotting scent
of a lifestyle named something or other
where you treated everyone as your brother
no sleep but coughing fits

stock traded by homeless real estate agents
i could almost feel vagrant
if it wasnt for this fire and memories of my mother

no matter the parralax some things never changed
so i lit my arrows and went out hunting

might die in ignorance
but never in self defense
breaking the chain was my first offence
and the absence of comfort, my only sins . . .
and the absence of comfort, my only sins . . .


See?
Its right there in front of you!
I would say as I kept walking
And the ground breaking sialence kept me aware
as in the background some random idiot was talking
And his owned voice was mine [His voice was my own]
Onward and stronger then every step became monument
as I crept close to a home that was labeled anonymous

The talking horse had passed
and was burried to
He said this road we walked
Of course it was inevitable
And lack of expansion until that moment
was highly negligable
Anything but illegible
I'd never thought to hear such wisdom
from a mammal with so many appendiges

Quick before it diminishes
Turn around and spin with it
Dont sit with it
Express the emminent unlimited

If I can create synchronicity in my life and perception,
does that decrease its signifigance?

Many people see synchronicity as a heavenly message, a
sign that things are going the right way, that there is
more to what is being percieved.

Through various forms of sense-deprivation, and perceptual
aggrivation through psychotropic chemicals, synchronicity
can become common place.

I have experienced days and more full of synchronicity.

I still am open as to what this means.

would you rather have a selection of suitable men that you could fall in love
with and have children with when you are ready

or would you rather have one dedicated man who is ready at any time and would give his all to you?

both must be ready at similar intervals, but being placed on a queue is not the greatest feeling

lots of learning to do about female interaction, i admit, and i'm going
to do it

to you friends are like lovers without sex - but I can't agree fully,
sharing sexuality, even at an intellectual level, causes disruption
in my view. in the past having female friends was not a regular
occurance - now sexuality is so open and easily exchanged. that
may be a good thing but it must have restrictions.

i know i'll be thinking of you on my death bed ...

Trader Joes Green Juice - with a peach flavour.
Almond milk with cane sugar (??) which makes it
nice and sweet. Apple grape juice which lessens
the thickness of the green juice.

Reminds me greatly of orange creme drinks/ice pops,
which are a favorite taste of mine.

A drink with fruit, vegetables, green nutrients,
and protein. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm........

pep love - relief


i want it

uh huh ... uh huh ...
yea, yea


i need it

thats right


i got to have it ..

no

all around the world


not a stone left unturned in the search for bliss
and retribution under the urban mist
you might swerve and miss your call
in the midst of all this confusion
i've learned the risk involved with quick fixes
crutches but cruxes
supplements for justice and it just isn't enough for us
case in point: my little cousin jason is facin ten
cuz he cased a joint

of his former place of employment - burger king
but flippin patties, got him ready to murder things
listen to the words i sing
and still niggas on the turf that slang

chemical substances to the men and women who just
can't get enough of this .. now

jack and jill ran up the hill, popped a pill, got credit
and ran up the bill, a dealer got hot headed and ran up
the blocks ready to set it and spread it like chicken pox

put the needle to the vein forget about the pain
put a dolla to your nostril blow a hole in your brain

i knew a cat named james who never been on a plane
but he wanted to fly so he tooted cocaine
claimed to be a true student of the game
but its plain to see his juice is startin to drain

once again its on on a saturday
i'm ready to activate, sit with the gat actin straight
ridiculous, stolen vehicle us niggas just rollin
till we crashed and hit a bus


whats relief? i want it
whats relief? i need it
whats relief? i got to have it

lets release or at least turn over a new leaf


give me an aspirin, whenever my head hurts
give me viagra, when my dick won't work
give me a cigarette, when i'm stressed and after sex
and make the euphoria last past a second
an orgasmic blast is released when i ejaculate
conception is not immaculate
they had to wait, for the next pay cuz life is hectic
pleasure and pain quite connected

mass consumption of instant gratification
pass the medication, ask for nothing, but relief
i need an inoculation, doctor, even though i know your occupation's
really indoctrination, take two of these, it'll put you at ease
but won't, heal the disease, religion and television'll give you a
health condition of bein pidgin holed, its hot in hells kitchin

males cookin the finest slot in the diner it'll make your heart stop
but your taste buds find it appealing

jump up touch the ceiling, master the healing feeling
while i'm revealing the real things, 'stead of a antihistimine
and a pistol, i got a pad and a pencil
give me a remedy free of any inhibiting things
limiting my life and liberty


whats relief? i want it
whats relief? i need it
whats relief? i got to have it

lets release or at least turn over a new leaf


i think they need a hit, send 'em a savior,
to extract the venom within 'em and maybe then they would see the light
and get a grip on the key to life, you'll never find freedom
walking the street at night, in a bottle of wine, a syringe or a pipe,
or up in the night, club dressed in sumtin tight, with just the right
curves and dimensions, muscles tight with fake curls and extensions - or -
muscle bound with his hustle down, packed and scrilla stacked,
but he just a clown

you'll never get it from the money, or get it from the drugs,
you only get it from living your life givin your love
transcended and splendid, but dance with the devil and you're bound
to find a fast ending
comatose from an overdose of the corrosive potion they float to us
coast to coast

whats relief? i want it
whats relief? i need it
whats relief? i got to have it

breath in ... breath out ..
release

breath in ... breath out ..
release

(posted to the las vegas linux users group mailing list)

So my eyes opened wide when I saw my first EEE at the last meeting.
But I was offered a good deal on an n800 by someone who couldn't use
it to its full potential, so I had to get it.

"Linux? Whats linux? I want to play music on my phone ..."


http://linuxdevices.com/articles/AT8033409446.html

I began by playing around with the default install of 2007 for a bit.
My first impulse was to configure video chat and send it to a relative,
but soon I saw that gTalk on the PC didn't support video calls, while
the client on the n800 did ...


http://maemo.org/community/wiki/HOWTO_FlashLatestNokiaImageWithLinux

So I had to update to 2008. The first problem I ran into was the
error "To flash the bootloader, you have to supply the X-Loader..."
after downloading the earlier version of 2008. Using the latest version
worked very well. The interface was nicer, but took up more of the screen.

Overall it was faster as it clocked the CPU to 400mhz instead of the 2007's
speed of 333mhz. I have been using the device a lot since I got it; I charge
it at night and when I am near a plug, and haven't noticed a big difference
in the battery life.

My second task was to get shell access - luckily ossi-xterm was included in
2008. Typing wasn't very fun at first, using the stylus and smaller keyboard,
until I discovered the full-screen keyboard, which you can essentially thumb.

Fully debian underneath, apt-get works and there is even a trick to get root:
"sudo gainroot". After setting a root password sudo will still ask for a
password, but I don't use sudo normally so I haven't gotten to making that work.
I set a user password also; (the default user is "user"). Then I went about
happily installing many, many applications.


http://www.gronmayer.com/it/

This page contains a collection of n800 repositories. Navigable from the
devices built in browser, it is very easy to add them. I am still not sure
as to which are worthy and which cause confusion - my application manager is
full of various similarly named categories, and viewing the entire list is
tedious, as the column for version numbers overrides the column for names ..
making most of the names unreadable. I just ran through it by category.

The first program installed was SSH, and off to my desktop I went, looking
through the filesystem with greater ease..


I have to go, but first I will tell of my experience with video chat. Using
gizmo5 which is linked from the default menu, the compression seems to cause
lots of artifacts. The audio is good, and the incoming video is good, but the
video the n800 produces is sub-par. There may be other possibilities and I
will try them out soon enough.

A word about the camera - it seems to produce lots of staticy artifacts. I have
noticed that when it is turning on, at one point while it is brightening up, it
produces a very good picture. Maybe it allows in too much light? Neither the
supplied camera application or the downloaded Knips allow any tuning of the
camera which is a shame.

I am now in #maemo as well as #lvlug and will share any more information I
gain in due time.


Chad

how can a mind create a visual and rational (seemingly) imagination with no energy ...

"its like running on fumes, but it behaving like nitrous ..."

"your subconcious mind doesn't need energy, the conscious mind runs on energy"

after having had respectable amount of sleep for several days, barely being able to form coherent, focused thought streams, passing out into slumber produces dreams with such strength that i feel as if i were almost awake.

perhaps, awake in another way.

as a child your mother heavily scolds you for doing something wrong.

found under the cabinet drinking tide, you are jerked out of the kitchen
and beaten first with a shoe, then a belt, and then punched and kicked.

the intention was to show you that such behavior was unacceptable.
how many of you agree that the punishment was correct, if a bit harsh?

you are now thirty years old. you have been eating take out and fast food
since that event. let us assume that the tide was just about to touch your
lips and it was not responsible for any brain damage.

you have never felt comfortable in a kitchen. you cannot cook, you have
very weird eating habits and diets. whenever you sit too close to the
kitchen in a resturaunt you begin to break out in hives.

in your day to day life to persuade people to eat various things, tell
them to eat out and not cook. you have many rationalizations on the
dangers of cooking for ones self.

(to boom bip - seed to sun - 02 third stream)

i got a third eye schizm in vision my jizzm hitsem in rhythms and misses simply hit re
when meters began matter mainly, my patterns make he, and fractured rappers thank me
consolidating space gee, pick himself up and run hastly, through clouds of hazy
im done chasing and back tracing appear adjacent to allow non-complacent racin thinkin
slowin down is maintainin no complainin latent defacin the whole galaxy rakin those falacies
collect masons build faces my feces be splatterin thesis in peices host poetry placin posts and defining foundations and floetry you know its me when grounds shakin and heads bakin makin minds crazy and eyes lazy
they can't see

so they head underground - dont you agree?
a place to sit comfortably
amongst the roots of a tree
and run for free
i stopped looking for the perfect beat
when it found me
twas like

theres never enough time in reality!

i need a break

i need a break!


can't ford admission for the mission attention is missin stand up and start dissin hissin spittin kisses and makin commisions
the line is fixing my pen is empty the ink sent me to say nothing and start bustin and wrestlin these rascales who take concerts and turn into objects of mass destruction my book is jumpin connection to somethin slong as its open im scopin for fake crushin and rushin these munchkins flakin in dysfunction ... i'm hopin ..




in vast castles of glass we glance attem and cast arcs battle amass calmly and blast atoms in chanted anthems
if you can grasp fathom the last random act of man then mandate madmen to run fashion





Testable decimal infitessimle
Messible Misserable sack of lyin specimen
interestin crustin pesants

You messin with the decimal infitessimle
Math cannon rhymer
Old timer with a camera picture black and blue
your crew when they get led by you
But they ate lead by me
Thats the stream you see
drainin to the gutters
Whats the matter you mutter your blood splattered your mother
You buster
Your starvation makes me fatter
I live to roast your ass in the batter
Dip your butt in butter
The crazy hatted mad gatter
Boston cut and gutter
Shoot and smother
Take a nap I'll wake you after

You fuckin with a natural disaster
Minds meld when my tricks presence is felt
Your soul in slavery is heald

I snatched you from your maker
The breath taker
Last man you'll meet
But permanent unlike concrete

Composure lost


I don't know how to do it.
I don't know how to keep my composure right now.

Internally there are fires and revolutions and wars and constant bloodshed
the land of the rational vs the land of the children

I'm watching my self jump up and down, throwing a tantrum, pointing at the invisible
to you, but tangible to me, source of all of this pain

I am not lost though every sense in my body tells me so

This document serves as a marker, as home, as my future, and as my past.

A decision must be made immediatly regarding where I will live from now on.

I have never made this decision before. If I have, it is not currently apparent.

You see, even though I may laugh I am very depressed.

Even though I may smile there is not enough joy in my heart to produce such a response.

I don't know where it comes from.

I am mad, I am insane, I am not under my own volition

Control has been subjugated to various unknown entities acting under the guise of me.


An inquiry

As I sit here in wonderment of my own faculties and principles
I ponder the things that so many consider simple and take for granted.

Only through this inquiry will I find out where you stand.


When I am at the top of my cycle, full of energy, exuberant, interesting,
and magnetic, are you attracted to those qualities that I exhibit?

Because without a doubt I can tell you that my psyche will visit places
with terrain so unfamiliar as to require an entirely different set of
survival skills.

When I am lethargic, slow, angry, reclusive, and depressed,
will you recognize who I am?

What is said of my character, of a personality which changes in a
predictable but unknowable cycle?

As I can visualize some of you already walking away, I can understand.
We have not built up a bond strong enough to withstand these stresses.
Stresses of logic and comfort, distortions of perceptions already built
and accustomed to seeing things in one way and one way only.

After so long I guess I am not quite sure how to do it; either that, or I do,
but I have never focused all of my energy into doing it.

Such is life, no one can save you, you must save your self.

Thanks for reading this, at least, friend, and I know that one day
some part of me will come out of you, somewhere, at some time, for
some reason ...


Ahh. The reason.






Keywords: Chad Bertrand Terry, terbospeed, suicide, madness, possibilities,
possibly psychomatic, psychedelics, power, providence, psychosis, april fools,
attention, awareness, perception, poetry, writing, art, long drawn out jokes, life
pain suffering, on camera, dramatization, questioning fundamental personal ideas and
assumptions, identity, foundations, commorbidity, myopia

An exchange regarding relationships - m4w (las vegas baby)
Date: 2008-05-08, 4:52PM PDT


Having the desire to know everything about someone,
spend copious amounts of time with them, trust them,
please and sacrifice for them, is not the only pre-
requisite for being able to have that type of
relationship.

How do I know? I'm 28 have had no romantic life to
speak of, dating back to childhood. I am attuned to
psychological interpretations of how humans behave;
possibly to the point of inhibiting any normal connections
being made. Its also severely difficult to just maintain
friendships with women when I've felt the need for a deep
relationship all of my life, and I often become infatuated
or obsessed over any female that shows me attention or casual
affection.

Such is life, I have posted here looking for mates but I've
concluded that if you don't know who you are, you don't know
who you will be compatible with.

So now I am simply interested in conversing on the complicated
topic of interpersonal relationships. I figure a lot of people
have similar problems, I have seen too many beautiful women who
never seemed to have good relationships.

This discourse can be conducted over e-mail, instant messaging,
or irc. Your story gets mine, or vice versa. (g) I've also been
reading "Toward a Lasting Romantic Relationship" by Edith Packer,
which brought me to this conclusion. (capitalism.net)

Take care.

im running down the streets of new york now ... damn this thumbrd!
im trying to upload the photos right now, but the %&@( thing wont
multitask!! let me move them to the card .... aagggggghhhhhh!!!!!

calling all cons, all the overlooked
time is running out, world is overcooked
fire in the sky, evil in the street
blood is everywhere, haven't been to sleep
teeth are falling out, eyes are turning red
curled up in a ball, on a burning bed
beaten to a pulp, stronger than a horse
reality is cruel, so we're men of course

war is being waged, bridges being built
forests being cut, truth is being killed
someone better pay, sharpen all the knives
swallow all the swords, don't apologize
teach a man to fish, take away his rights
you can run away, you can stay and fight
helicopter blades, ordinary god
artificial limbs, ignored and very odd
written on a wall, hidden in a book
television screams, but i didn't look
put it in your mouth, paint it black and white
everything is wrong, thats exactly right
whats the bottom line?

demolish all the clocks, smash the telephone
try to call the cops, free the prisoners
get your money back, break it into bits
they'll come running back

tell them all to go to hell, stay in bed
turn the tables over, no more playing dead
every move you make, being monitored
not a place to hide, nothing not a word
thoughts are on the loose, slowly going blind
bombs are being dropped, only blowing minds
pages filling up, tremors all around
spells are being cast, men are falling down

scary scary thoughts, very very bad,
very very bad, very very bad
someones at the door, shouldn't let them in
make a better plan, take your medicine
do the dirty work, do your duty first
music in the world, all the beauty hurts
rearrange the room, dead at 28
wish it wasnt so, gone at any rate
what you looking at? reflection in the spoon
say the magic words, your turn is coming soon
torture chamber walls, cemetary song
body slowing down, mind is very strong
all i need is books, kisses on my face
use to have the touch, this is gone to waste
eyes and ears and hands, tangled in the wire
pushed over the ledge, strangled in the fire
flowers in the trash, sleepin on the floor
looking for a place, no ones gone before
air conditioner, waiting for a train
focus on the source, can't ignore the pain
can't describe the sound, sick of being asked

living in a hole, now i'm free at last
this is what its like, try it on for size
walk around the block, limited supplies
dishes in the sink, kittens in the lake
start your praying when, bow begins to break
not a chance in hell, cows are coming home
set the woods on fire, borrow someones phone
borrow someones phone, call the number now

miracles are done, and i wonder how,
and i wonder where, and i wonder what,
and i wonder when, and i wonder who

[chorus]

why can't i do right, and will i die to night
step out in my sleep, slept out in the street
dogs and guns and stars, gods and funds and stars,

tell tell, it it, like like, tell it like it is ..

I just finished the book by George Jaidar.
After that I began reading U.G. Krishnamurti's views on spirituality and enlightenment, in Mind as Myth.
(Its funny, jct was my original username on escape.com in the mid 90's).

The Soul is basically an exposition on spiritual enlightenment from
a cultural conditioning standpoint; it makes the argument that
religion is more a method of control, which Krishnamurti says is likened
to police control, one being internal, one being external. It gives ideas
on how conditioning effects a being, (the mind being the conditioning and
memories and dreams and a born talker), and that this conditioning is for
surviving in society.

Looking back at Buddhism it seems a lot of it is conditioning, and paired
with Krishnamurti's cynical yet clear views of enlightenment, it seems that
it doesn't even exist. (Yes, a panacea for existence, sounds like a form of
desire.)

So I contemplated becoming a materialist; that is, all that exists is the body.
You cannot see anything really, all that you can see is thought, for thought is
the determining factor that judges and controls and wishes to forever stay
continuous, and for everything to be knowable; though reality is discontinuous
and unknowable.

Though thought is already dead, it asserts that life goes on forever, and creates
entire worlds in which to immerse in, validifying (at least to itself) that there
is a reason to live.

But what about the body? The body knows no difference between pain and pleasure,
good and bad, all it does is live and recreate.

Thought is the method through which it lives; conditioning is neccesary for survival in society..

So why are there so many apparent problems in society? There aren't, actually.
As long as we are all surviving and feeding the machine nothing needs to change,
it will in due time and some of us have interests in bringing about that change,
while others will simply be able to use the system to seemingly satisfy themselves.

So all of this seems fine. I had no interest in these things until I was 19, indeed
I didn't think at all about the future (despair), and lived in a world created by
excess fear. That changed and now I live in a world influenced by fear but mainly
shaped by hope and desire.

Desire which doesn't exist and which removes my own power.
Hmm .. what do I want with power anyway?

This was great for me, I always had something to chase, and always something to
run from, all the while thinking that I simply wanted to stand still. But I was
standing still ..

--

I woke up at 4am for no apparent reason; from no memorable dream. I hopped on IRC
and found inhahe unable to sleep also, and jokingly remarked "wow suuuch a funny
coincidence!!". An hour later though, the old man who lives with my Grandma was
up at 5am .. making food, and being pretty loud, something I've never seen before.
Coincidence or not? Does it really matter? (It seems he was going somewhere, and
the wireless being down and me being on the modem at the time stopped some call
from coming in for a ride he was waiting for.)

There are definitally many things beyond the limited vehicle of thought. We can
make that up into many myths and explain many experiences in many ways. If they
are true or not we will probably never know until science "proves" it.

I'm compelled to inquire about all of this, as there is something about my
experience and physiology that seems .. different. Oh and I want attention.

Perception is reality. We see what we expect to see. And [our] language is woefully
inadaquate at actually describing reality. None of these things matter in the grand
picture, for if something doesn't have survival value for society it never really
comes about in sanctioned ways.

While we may want things to change they may or may not; desire has the common
factor of always being stronger as the hope of something that will make you better
and stronger, but as it is recieved you realize that it wasn't really what you
wanted; reinforcing the desire to get the one thing that you thought you did want.

Past and future.

Who is here now?
What is there to do in the now?

Probably just enjoy it.
But even that is something the body doesn't need.
Seems like a desire.

Sounds like I don't want to survive in society, thanks though.
Malenculturation takes its tolls ..

Signing off, your tripped out investigator from the fringes of humanity and
the edges of sanity, the mad-capped mental scientist determined to prove
that life exists

- Chad

you cannot desire it
you can just be in it.

you can just enjoy it.

- Osho

There was once a young girl
Who went by a name unknown
Though her body was young
It was her mind that had grown

She would dream of a world
Far away but so close
And would seek out the souls
Who would show what she knows

Though her beauty was complete
She could live as if it were not so
And strive for these dreams
And where they would go

She had hair made of gold
And diamonds for eyes
A highly contageous smile
Expensive and spry

Though no one could tell her
She held her own soul
And would search endlessly
For aeons untold

Fingers quick filled with energy
They would pen down the day
She could release her own self
From the whims of dismay

From the whims of dismay
Came the blood of her life
That would set her soul free
And relieve all the strife

To relive the times passed
Was a thought often held
And a lover of worth
For their two minds to meld

She was noticed by many
Though appreciated by few
And the end of this story
I shall leave up to you.

--

There was once a young man
That had traveled alone
For a time so long
That the world seemed his own

Though he knew it untrue
His mind saw only him
He would go place to place
And keep moving on whim

He lacked the simple touch
Of his life to a pen
And would write feverously
To free his self from this sin

And at night he would arrive
To a house warm and full of light
But would leave in the morn
Feeling worn and disliked

Though no one soul could tell him
He wandered in ways of old
Down roads unnamed and unpaved
and a temperature so cold

He would smile happily
And the sun would be jealous
But when the moon took its place
His dreams would be hellish

And he walks to this day
Searching for that place better
And for you to end this story
is the point of this letter.

this life seemed to offer 3 paths to take

1, of being a normal, slightly creative and intelligent, but otherwise socially inept, repressed, human.
3, of being a raving, conspiracy driven, highly delusional guy in and out of institutions and reality,
constantly medicated and/or doped up, doomed to die in some alley way in some small city ...

2, of being a magic maker.
nope, there are few schools that teach this profession, except for the magical world itself,
and though no one around me quite understands the implications of this path, i steadily trod
it hoping for great reward .. though i may spend my entire life traveling.

my purpose is perfection
perfection through infinite possibilities

the internet has gone out, which is something that happens regularly
when you rely on someone elses apparent carelessness. it seems to
happen here pretty often, and it only comes back on when they go
and reset their modem ...

i had a dream i was on some island this afternoon. i barely remember
most of it. the other day i had a dream that my great grandmother was
a sort of opera singer, but the way she used her voice was dreamlike,
nothing like i've ever heard. i was there talking to someone about
making techno and he didn't seem to like my suggestions.

i had a dream about this girl. we were in some dark city, but i remember
talking to her. before that i had a dream where my grade school class
was in some sort of room, eating chicken, and i gave her my laptop.
she disappeared, and everyone left, except for my friend, and i told
him something regarding that she was going to be my girlfriend.

my desire seems to increase exponentially when a female is the subject.
i don't understand why. i've been without the appreciation of a woman
for so long that it doesn't even seem possible now; i was in love when
i was 22, with a very nice woman, but we were mainly connected physically,
which then became an emotional connection, which eventually ended up in
fighting. at least i got to know what it feels like, but even in retrospect
it didn't seem quite right.

looking back it probaly failed because we were both inexperienced and
didn't talk about what we actually needed, though she was several years
older than me. looking at her life now she is still alone, and seems to
work with children out of a need to nurture others.

well i have those same needs but conditioning and confusion have complicated
their attainment. it would be nice if humans were perfect ..

i've watched my karma repeat and unfold in mysterious but predictable ways.
i'm good at watching it but not so good at changing it. maybe i'm not as
interested in changing it as i am in eradicating it all. being an ascetic.

the hunch that this world was an illusion was uncovered when i was pretty
young. i have magic. but it more has me as i'm not able to control it very
well. people without magic attempt to devalue mine, or people who have it
and don't know or understand it do the same. look me over.

my ideas on the nature of reality, many of which i developed in seclusion,
were seen mirrored in ancient texts. i know i'm not that crazy at least.

but to share this life is always a goal. it just might be a false desire
though. i need to work on my self and the extents to which my mind travels
scares the shit out of anyone who is not used to it, or has not seen it
before. which makes doing this alone seem all the more plausable. i'm not
attached to any certain way of this working itself out, i'm just floating ..

i'm ultra-creative. my muse is just shy. i've attempted to honour her and
found ways to do that, but its hard, fasting, praying, coming down and being
more aware of my consciousness. no one knows what those things are for, they
think that being surrounded by stimulation constantly will set them free.

maybe for them. but i have bigger dreams ...

so the internet went down so i started writing. hmm.

Drugs drugs drugs .. I've done a lot of them, and sometimes the experience was
good, sometimes it was bad; sometimes I saw my self change from it, others
I just wanted more.

A big part of the drug scene is the social aspect. Some people have problems
socializing with others out of context; that is to say, if they are not in a
school, not working a job, not in any groups or programmes, then there is nothing
that connects them to the people around them. Or if the people that they do have
a chance to socialize with are just radically different ...

So the times that I have stopped using drugs were times when I had to find new
social groups. My best friend is a pothead, and I can only take so much tempting
from him. A lot of my friends are brought together by pot, by acid, by the search
and the relaxation and the persecution, and often when either of us begins to see
a negative effect on our lives because of this usage, we are immediatly out of the
group.

"Hey man, I quit smoking" is a common phrase heard as you pass someone who you used
to hang out with, usually on the way to find some more.

Often times though, you find solace in the experience, that you share visions with
someone, that they have similar thoughts on philosophy, religion, and morales, and
also that there is often an urge to express, through music, through writing, through
drawing. Some of them were quite good at what they did, but had no motivation to go
through with this coming out of expressionism, often they sobered up and just became
workaholics.

Some people went crazy. Some people just wanted to escape from themselves. Some just
wanted life to be interesting because normally it didn't seem so. Some were lonely
and appreciated the added dimensions the drugs showed them. Some were just addicted.

I was all of these and none of them at the same time. I do very well sober and can
even take some company that is intoxicated. I'm different from a lot of druggies though;
before I first began to use any types of drugs I read a *lot* about it. Surely you can't
learn something solely from reading about it, but as I saw more and more blatent
discrimination and misinformation being expressed by people who seemed to be operating
out of fear and were afraid to lose control, I decided to give them a try, and its
lead my life since then.

Kundalini began to arouse.

A few weeks after I began to smoke pot at 18, I felt an odd, but not unpleasant, burning
sensation at the end of my tailbone. Later that day I had my first vision, after which
I passed out for more than 20 hours. A year later I was connected with the first woman I
ever got to know, again because of pot, and we both lost our minds that year, but they
came back, at least for ME, but I got to experience the Oakland Rave Scene, and psychedelics,
and exctasy ..

Anyhow after my mind began to stop working like it had normally worked I noticed that I had
never enquired as to why my mind was doing what it did. Why I was who I was. I was mainly
depressed and repressed and antisocial and unconfident with low self-esteem. Until the point
that I lost my mind .. I got to look at how I was, and made a decision to change it.

I found little information about my experience, and how the mind was actually
composed, in modern psychiatry. I found lots of information on this in spiritual
information, the kind weaved in and out of all things religious. Desire kept us
alive.

Nowadays I just have lots of anxiety. I've found that my diet is my drug of choice, that I
eat to satisfy transitory emotions, and that it has profound effects on my mood and energy
level. Though with desires as strong as mine are its hard to choose a diet of light food,
vegetables, fruits, regular cleansing.

A lot of the problems I have are symbolic. Some of them disappear with the
slightest of approaches. The constant changing though ...

Well, I'm still pretty delusional. I get to look at things from varying perspectives, I'd
say. I have poor control of the excess amounts of creative energy I possess. I donno what
to do. I live the life of someone in a movie. I've met the directors and discussed various
plot changes, so all is not as bad as it seems. They keep giving me hints of what to say.
Everyone else has a script but I have the privilage of being able to improvise.
Constantly.

Some day I'll write a book about all of the things I've read and experienced.
Then I'll probaly write another.
5 pages a day. 5 days a week. 3 months. 300 pages. Could I use some editing skill?

Lots of material to draw upon.

So this isn't all about drugs and social groups but drugs played a big part in me seeing
through the illusions that were shown to me regarding life in the "real" world. For instance,
I've met two people who say they were able to remove their need for glasses. But a doctor
would never tell you about that, he just has to give you a prescription and increase it over
time, guaranteeing him money. I might not get my vision back 20/20, but I might not have to
wear these damned things ever again ...

So through all of this I've learned to trust in signs and visions more than anything
else. And to look at the stars when I was uncertain as to which way to go.

I still remember the sign I saw on the day I asked if I should retreat to the mountains and
vision quest, or try and have a relationship with a woman. It was clear as day though the
night was dark. It didn't tell me which woman I should be with though; only that she would
be shorter and probably plumper than I was. :D

Oh, none of my time in the past was wasted, and through all of the confusion
I have some good ideas. I could stop thinking now and just live off of pure
inspiration. Or I could keep thinking and just stay in the atmosphere.

Creativity is definitally divine.

It all began on a cold night in a hotel room in Oakland.
I was sedated and out of my mind.
I was seeing visions, closing my eyes and holding my hands
in front of my eyes, and seeing the bones in my hands, and
that image not fading.

I was working on a C1XS picurebook named yesbook.

I passed out that fateful night, and when I awoke that morning
I found four lines of poetry beginning with "in the valley of awareness" ..

The memory of writing those lines has eluded me; and except for someone
coming into my room and knowing my password and leaving it there, I assume
something in me wrote it.

It was the first creative writing I had done in over a year, and its the only writing
from that period of time that I still have; nay, remember in my head.

----

I speculate that I began to write in this manner to remember where I was
and to express it to those around me.
My memory is very strange; I feel compartmentalized in what are called
my mood swings.

----

Almost two years later I began to get the urge again, to write. The first writing
was on a crystal voyage with my companion Terry. It began 'while meticously
maneuvering amongst unnacompanied metamorphosis' ... typed into a cell phone.
It seemed to be more a message to my self, than any form of art to share. I look
back at the pieces from my other lives and still find new ways to interpret them.

Others seem to be able to utilize certain parts of my expression though. Some
have made livings from these pains and misunderstandings, but the prospect
of being prosperous from my poetry drives my desire even wilder ..

----

I wrote a few more things after that, culminating on the day of the Annointment.
I'm still convinced, by circumstance, that these writings are not so much to be
shared as they are for me to look over and study; kind of bringing information
down from hypnosis, but I have a hard time looking back at my self.

But in the sharing I often see things through others eyes that I couldn't see
with my own.

On the day of the Annointment I had recieved an Apple Newton. It lacks a
keyboard and input was done with a stylus and onboard keypad. Walking
down the bike path in Ojai something came to mind; I realised that there was
always something in my mind to be written but I had never had a way to record
it at the time. Oh if I were happy with just writing on paper .. which I'm not.

So I began to write "I have been feeling very cold" and had finished a paragraph
by the time I had reached a group of fellow indigents at 1913. After talking
and hanging out for a bit more came to my mind; it was different though; it was
so interesting that I found my self writing faster and faster to keep up with the
thoughts.

That night I began to write more and more. Soon I was lost in this transcription.
It was if a muse had awaken, and was giving this little child candy in increasing
amounts. I was sitting on the bench down from Rainbow Bridge at 9pm and
wrote something that I haven't looked back on yet; "somehow I wrote down the
perfect buzz"...

That night I went home and began a ritual whose origins I am unaware of. I filled
the small garage-turned-room I was living in with Jano into an incense filled landing
signal. Six sticks burning, in 3 directions -- and I was the fourth.

That night I wrote all night. I was on some private net, in the schizophrenia channel
and began to write so much they were convinced I was simply pasting paragraphs.
I have never, in my life, been in an altered state like that. It may have been related
to the food and sleep deprivation caused by the intense depression I had
experienced weeks before ...

So anyway since that night my muse has had little trouble showing itself. It seems
to be integrating into me, and I can be inspired by the smallest of occurances. My
only fault is of not having focus, but there are times when that can even be a bonus.

---

So I write to remember for my self. Its all diary writing.

I also write to express to others what is happening to me.

When it first began in 1999 I feverously used Google to
find the odd word combinations that would arrise in my mind;
and would find few results, but one of those results would be
powerful and effect my world-view and questioning mind for the
better .. so now I leave those same marks that I once was fueled by.

A lot of the things that I experience are not fully understood by our
current culture; a lot of the things I experience I read about and formulate
my own ideas; a lot of the things I experience need further articulation
and I believe one day I will be able to provide this articulation.

Theres something really wrong but theres something really right,
in this experience. The lonlieness will be overcome.

One day someone, maybe me, will understand and utilize this.
That day will be spectacular; the sun will stand still
on this day.

(looking back ... let there be light)

the love died

i tell my self, when i am having dreams of her,
that it is just me, attaching to desire, false
desire.

the dreams are not wholly pleasurable, they
are mysterious and forgotten easily, and
they seem to be of me reliving a childhood
fantasy, than of an actual event.

when i am thinking of her, i tell myself that
they are because i want to know that she is happy,
not always that she accepts me and knows how
to deal with me.

i guess it will pass, all of this energy i've built
up in my self, with a little of her help, her not
watching where her energy goes effeciently.

i wanted to take a picture of a set of watermelons,
descending in size, but at the right time, when
the sunlight hit them perfectly, but i waited too
long and the picture was gone. i am ok with missing
the picture, there are always other pictures waiting
to be captured and shared.

i wonder why so much of my life is caught up in my
childhood. what of those experiences has been under
my radar for so long, and is being resurfaced in my
self work.

learning about sexuality before most people did, and
not learning about female interaction way after the
others, i wonder why i'm so self-centered and childish
to this day..

a silly childhood dream to love and be loved by a woman.
just dreams, they say, just my imagination that it might
happen, just a coincidence that we would lock eyes and
begin to fantasize ..

just me picking at open wounds in feverish attempts to
heal them.

putting on a song that 9 months ago made me awefully sad,
as I had connected it with a woman, but now it makes me happy.
i listened to it thousands of times on repeat, for what reason?
now i know it by heart. days on end, windows i'm changing, silent
hands, like its a virtue, holding on to damaged truth, like its
a weapon, meant to hurt you ..

having dreams about prior lives, looking at the Grand Cross in
the sky, wondering when saturn will stop affecting me as it has
been this entire time.

why does nothing fit into these categories i'm provided .. will
i have to go out and make my own categories!?


---


so I asked my self a dangerous question. it lead to insanity. I was quite
comfortable in this insanity though I kept thinking that I was alone,
the spirits and voices told me that I should look elsewhere for companionship.

Ok no thats not what this is about. Its about flowers dying, the kind that grow
from cracks in buildings, from cement fields, that survive though they are
trampled upon by hordes of worker ants ...

I asked my self this question: What if this woman who was the
object of my desire, who I attributed so much good to, who I spent so
much energy trying to connect with, was not as such?

What if I was deluding myself? What if there was no goal such as to find
someone actually appreciated the little things they could do to make you
happy, and that you could make someone else happy and enjoy their laughter
and smiles so much. If nothing I did intrigued her, and if she thought my life was
not going anywhere and that we really didn't see eye-to-eye on critical issues ..

So its all true. I'm looked down upon and criticized and viewed with detached
emotion. Ho hum. Living in a city that I don't like too much, though travel was the
plan, I can drive across the country every month if it were fun enough, and as to
the city .. just too much noise and dirt and ugly unhappy people. I prefer small
towns where you can actually smile at people and befriend
them if you want. Where everyone knows everyone :)

Easier to succeed in those places, I believe. The alternative is to go back to Ojai
and bide my time. Cleanse my self first, as this has had the most drastic effects on
my mental and physical health I have ever seen. Possibly get a place if I can find
one with lots of privacy and outdoor space, but its possible since I know almost
half the town. Get a simple job to maintain a schedule, maybe tutoring ESL :)
Maybe something simple that wouldn't require much effort, and of course cash
is preferred.

Pay more attention to my dream life, keep a stricter diet. Start to organize my
writing, and of course go to more poetry readings. Learn more about astrology.
Everyone seems to be so interested in it, but doesn't take the simple steps to
learn about it. :) So simple really. I'm honest about it though, and even some
people who say they are honest have filters through which this truth has to be
seen.

I donno, I asked my self a dangerous question, and it drove me insane.


I'm watching a kid write poetry on IRC. I think its good, I often tell him he should
use it to heal himself. Speak the poetry, but since he is usually improvising it he
could just get on stage and see where his mind went. I want to do the same, in
fact its a higher goal, rip the script, perform meditation then grab ears and
proceed to unleash and without hesitation ..

wish she wanted the same. oh well. :)

Its funny I have quite a few ways to make money right now. I'm just not that
interested in pursing them. What would I do if I had lots of money? Buy a big
rig and travel the country? Buy a lot of electronic gear? I already have lots
of things .. all I'm missing is a video camera and some focus. You can't
buy focus and love. Hum. Well money isn't the only reason I will pursue
one of the things initially. Underground hip hop is fun, so is freestyling,
but I'm sure I am pinpointing the things that hold me back.

Women. The flow of energy in me imbalanced, internalized. Discipline and
commitment, but when things change so often, how can you commit to any
one thing?

On this summer solstice I was hopeless
very homeless
and with no destination
But beyond my wildest dream lies the explanation
right or wrong
And this last winter solstice I was thrust into a
large magnetic
electronic field
and my calculations had too much energy
overriding my imagination
reminding me of my dissatisfaction with stimulation
i wasnt alone but lived in solitude
with no clue but to follow through with this information

But then on the first spring solstice I was born
left with no,
mother to mourn
and I guess never did
so I write a song

to be
bottled and sank,
for fishes to drink,
but never fully digested
my attention span is invested in the entire world
and its origin
I didnt go to look
but It found me
tryed to drown me, in
the senseless rational of an infant
oh so beautiful
never made a sound
just stared back at me
with concentration fueled by an amazing energy
like I was the glitch
the anomoly
born from seperation
a wild imagination
is all i've had
to navigate
designated mad computer hacker number one
i feel as if my work in this place will never be done
nomad

"
While meticously manuevering amongst unnacompanied metamorphosis

Voices sad and strong sulk, in a space not far away
Sounds subtly suggesting, you are not alone

Emminate, originate
From, requirements repeatedly presented
And perversly propositioned.
Rejected projections of fantasies perfected

Prepare for permanent delusions
Quietly concealing clarity

If you should just, whisper thy name
until death
Before and after every breath.
"

The rapid change I began at 19, the metamorphosis.

Hallucinations, but mainly affirmations from the good spirits around me.

My biggest desire/dream is to be with my mother, and
to reconcile my ability to be with other women in
fulfilling relationships

There definitally is a logic to this irrational experience.

Meditation on Om. Conscious breathing.

"
In the valley of awareness
Surrounded by the mountains of reality
Covered by the sky of consciousness
The stars are mine.
"

If you close your eyes you may be able to see the picture it paints. I just
figured out, its an invocation, as well as a picture. We are not our minds,
(though mine/mind can be synomymous), we are surrounded by things that appear
"real" though the physical world is only a subset of what is real, and true
consciousness, sub and super, look down on all of that .. I'm just a star.

I only remember finding this poem on my computer the next day.
It was in 2002, I think.
This was the first writing that intrigued me,
which was also saved from destruction.

This is what I believe to be channeling.
Either from my own subconscious mind with conscious interaction or from some outer world source which I do not have conscious recognition of,
except for through these words.

Words from thoughts from desires from impulses from souls, what is the best way to track this course?

Of course we were designed by default to look over these facts, but the fact that I wish to stare them directly in the face
determines that I am of a different quality than those around me, not higher, not lesser, just with a different purpose in mind,
and defined, in what Prana Miller calls a "pre-birth agreement".

We all have negative and positive traits; one of mine is that I am able to focus so deeply into the moment that I can not even
feel my self writing, I can not fully remember what I have written, and without clear intention, I can not know what I will write next.

It is good and bad. I wish to have clear goals and focus and concentration abilities but up to this point all efforts toward this have
been thwarted and I am stuck with seeing and feeling things that aren't really there and thinking thoughts that are never quite clear.

Wanting to save those around me and express to them the divine possibilities of an awakening and to take them there also ...

But as it stands I am simply a man with a laptop and agile fingers, a mind functioning in odd ways, and a lot of dreams ...

So many dreams ...

I have been sleeping in the bed from my childhood, and have had many dreams each night. They seem to be preoccupied with my
childhood, my friends of that time, the house that I lived in.

I wonder why experiences of a young person so awfully effect the life of a supposed grown man.

We'll see in the future, for my firm belief is that it holds great splendors for all.

*/o for those who believe in their delusions
instead of the constitution */o
*/o for those who are trapped in instutions
waiting for retribution */o


This is gonna be posted some other places. I was allowed to write it
tonight, I think it explains whats going on but to understand it its best ..
to just experience it.
-

today my high was of a
exceptional
quality
do you believe in psychic ability?
I could define my current experiences

There is something radically
different about my mood and
perceptional, focus and
concentration, memory emotional
and self awareness identification
which is just for starts, which ALL
change constantly and over long
terms

It is socially dysfunctional but can
empower certain serious personal arts

shadow worker

i mean i can think in blind spots of
my self and others and I feel
greatly

(almost) everything I experienced is
described in the dsm iv.

everything I's experience was
described in 3000+ year old mystical
expositions. I mean all humans and how
the mind works, develops, misdevelops,
and can be optimally develop. Indeed,
how it should be.

300 year old psychology. highly intellectually,
socially and externally developed. doctor
observes someone else who is sick. decides on
a treatment. generalises from that what is normal.

it has lots to discover, but cant discover very many
things about itself.

myths and spiritual awakening
descriptions and instructions,
known by the highest minds who
sought to notice their "self" and did
so in absence of a high degree of
outside sensation

and found it to be always changing
and described the usual experiental
world and life that we lived as the
illusion of maya

we descended from higher parts of
our minds with less outward
stimulation swaying our senses,
meaning our mind was not always
changing, over time, over day to
day life, over good or bad
experiences.

over life and death. the eternal self.

and there is a chance that you go
insane or the chance that you
become more experienced and
stable in the whole action of life,
when this energy is awoken, or
this world is seen for what it
truly is

I think I agreed to these terms
but they are hard to always accept
and subsequently remember. but its
either to die this way without a soul
having known my ideas (some authors
are never appreciated by their peers,
only some era later to be discovered to
have been appluadable), and not having
created any equal relationships or making
anything of my self in society or finding
out just where the bottom of the rabbit
hole is, proverbally, OR, finding everlasting
peace and creative power and knowledge of
self and awareness of the real world and
the ability to speak the language of nature
and not be pushed and pulled around by
this false world society has created in the
attempts of making everyones lives "better"

I have some things to develop
I must do them alone for some
time, because few can understand,
nor relate to or begin to
imagine the life of someone with
experiences of the possibly
premature awakening of the
spiritual energy described as
buddhist kundalini

i have found very few descriptions of
this idea. of spiritual awakening discussed
within the buddhist framework. even fewer
people who have experienced it *and* were
able to articulate it. and i've met one and maybe
a handful of people who have done the work and
simply shine and help and create and dance.

(the universe told me what to do,
sing, pray, dance, and meditate - then rest)

i find if i begin to believe that im
crazy and not provided for by the
intelligent living world around me and
above me, and my guides and spirits
that help me that i must help, i begin
to feel sicker and my life goals begin
to be limited and my opportunities
removed and my body and mind just
hurt

but if i believe that i have the ability to
one day find out true happiness for more
than a moment or more than a few months
yes for years and years, i feel like my life
has a deep purpose, to find out the origins
of this dream world i live in

i've had the opportunity to never
connect on a deep level with
anyone over my life that i can
agree on right now, that could
understand what changed over
my life and could help me, and
i've also had the pleasure of
keeping my imagination and
ability to sit around and dream
and play like a child.

ive also had the privelage of not taking
in too much regular culturization
and programming that inhibits
this true childishness

i also know something is wrong
and have litle faith in modern
psychology and psychiatry
approaches to this 'problem'
and 'disease' so what am i to
do?

i shall remain absolutely still.

(like as in fear? deer in headlights?
no as in man meditating in the mountains
and conserving and rebuilding energy
levels to heights normally unknowable)

four references:
the origins of western vs eastern psychology,
the four states of consciousness, the working
of the mind and general excersizes:
the mind and its mysterious control

one particularlly clear cosmological story
explaining society and its war against enlightenment
of the individual, its illusory nature:
the islanders

and the ever indepth and up to date
interpretation of the experience with
many positive findings, an entire
contempary book of one persons
findings:
The Biology of Kundalini

And of course, the ever useful book for the graduate student of spirituality:
George Jaidar - The Soul: An Owners Manual - Discovering the Life of Fullness.

I just finished reading it. And am in the process of typing it up, so that I
can share it online, at least a portion of it.

just a light worker.